I am sorry to hear about your broken engagement Cain.
Sometimes we want to change, we know we need to, but our nature gets the best of us. There never is a steady self improvement, we stumble, fall, and get up again. And just when we think we've gone very far, it can happen again. And it happens to all of us. You're still young. If there is one advice I think you should take, is to cut off the booze. It can be even more destructive than the heavier drugs you managed to cut off.
"I intend to stay for a while I have made my way through dozens upon dozens of posts. Many of which offer some insight, I am kind of trying to find somebody I can relate to, possibly to know what their diagnosis is because I am unaware of mine. I am fully aware I am different, I feel unique. But I can't really put my finger on what I really am, delving deeper I am wondering if I will even benefit from knowing what I am. I like the concept of the "I had no clue I was a sociopath, safety net" if you will. "
- One of my first mentions that I came here initially to learn about myself, the time has come I feel.
" Well put. I am still going through many of the articles trying to see the differences within these "disorders". Parts of me feel like I have some sort of gift, other parts say curse. I'm unsure of which it is- it can't be changed and therefore the answer that I seek is mostly irrelevant, but I love collecting information that does me little to no good. I loved dissecting a system to see how it works. For instance I would rummage through the trash in middle school to see when pop quizzes were coming or maybe fire drills. I knew that these actions that affected my life had some underlying meaning, but the only thing I ever came up with is that everybody, disorder or no disorder has some sort of plan set. I've only come across a few individuals that had no plan, and if they did it was absurd. Then again, so were my plots for world domination. Yet throughout all years of school Elementary to high school I found myself convinced it could happen. I still think about it yes, I would love that position, after all... who wouldn't? "
- Even now I am not sure if I have a gift, or a curse, time will tell.
"Paranoia? I have no fears to be honest. There are things that make me uncomfortable. But I have no paranoias or anything that would change the way I act, behave, or think. "
-This holds true, I take massive risks all the time, most of which are life threatening, I have no fears.
"I love being pissed off, anger is better than happiness. And rage paired with violence is like an orgasm. I'll get a girl to blow me for a fuckin doobie. I'm chasing the dream and am hot on it's trail. I had zero dollars a week ago. And now I have a grand (I'm like $50 short, but I got a busy day tomorrow that'll get me passed 1g). I gotta buy a new car, then me and my main guy are gettin a place to stay. We party with bitches every Saturday night. I honestly love life. "
- Good times, I still live the life as I may, the current job binds me down, but I make things happen
This post is basically me going through all of my old posts, I have been doing allot of self exploration lately, so here are some quotes of me that define my character, I am free for input on it all, but this is mostly for myself as I try to learn more about myself, and where my "issues" come from.
"I flip around the control aspect depending on how I feel. Honestly I just let the other person feel they have control when they really don't, or give them a sense of equality when there really isn't. I feel it's fair because then there is a benefit for both parties involved. Plus it gives you room to get yourself out of a situation- eg: If another individual realizes that we aren't equal I can say it was an accident, and they should have control because that is fair. But in reality I'll play along for a bit before I get back on top where I'm most comfortable."
-It's interesting how I don't always notice myself doing this now a days, it's almost subconcious.
"To lie about something like breakfast is for the simple fact that I got away with it. Why settle for boring Cheerios when I could say I had eggs and crispy bacon? I prefer bacon and so do a majority of people. So by saying I had bacon you will relate to me a bit better and we can be friends :) that is until I'm bored and can move on. "
- I still do this, small stretches of truth to either relate, or make something more dramatic, but to what avail? Is it worth being caught as a liar over wanting to say I ate bacon instead of cereal?
"Why keep a long term relationship? Because the breakup hurts too much, not sure why- I get over it in a matter of a few hours. But the initial pain is so high that I see it as damage to me. As long as the sex is good and my partner keeps me happy ill stay. I don't quite understand myself in the whole aspect of a relationship, nor do I know why I pursue them. I have my share of entertainment, but mostly a sense of justice and superiority because I know my partner's every flaw and weakness. But yet choose not to act on them because my friend circle is simply too small to be perceived as an asshole which would cause me to lose a load of contacts and friends. So my gain is constant because I'm staying put. Either way I get left because every girl I get is smart and eventually sees I am self serving. "
- Many of you know I have a fiance, and she recently left me {yesterday} and I'm pretty much over it, initially I was in allot of pain, but now she is really just a memory.
"Why settle for comfort? I want a constant challenge, I don't want a constant routine. Maybe later in my life- but there is much to be had, and much to learn doing what I do. Getting a taste of both worlds is the only middle road I suppose. "
- My life is constantly changing dramatically, I get a feeling the world is after me, but I typically start this.
"My girlfriend has become unreasonable, saying I'm a sociopath, she is delving into every aspect of my personal life and will soon ruin my reputation if I don't get out first. Any words of advise on how to handle this situation? She is basically over me and feels no attachment. "
-This isn't the only time this has happened, it actually happened rather recently as well.
"My life has no structural plan in honesty, I like bouncing around and not staying out for too long. Everybody else seems so into having a boring life where they got some power and yatta yatta blah blah blah. I would say that the positions I find myself in are not of great standard. But at the same time, I wouldn't want it any other way. What is life without challenge? I would love to jump in a hole to see if I can dig myself out. You may see my habits as stupid, fine- think what you want you aren't offending me, rather I would say that I am much better at bringing myself up from nothing because I have done it many times. Starting from scratch and making something of myself is enjoyable. I don't pity others and I certainly don't pity myself. The post I made we just looking for a little insight "
-Things have not changed, not one bit.
It's fine, i think I have moved on, but it is most likely denial. I am not sure yet, I do need to watch my substance abuse, I am almost always abusing something, and that is a negative trait of mine I should stop. But I don't want to at all. Tough call, sounds easy, but inwardly not so much.