I feel the same way. What brought me here is that I do not know how to define myself by labels. I know that a label such as "sociopath" does not really work. The way people think is infinite and I don't think I can be classified by such a broad label. However if any label were to fit me I would believe it to be "sociopath" -the problem is that I, as what I believe to be a sociopath, feel and care for and about others on some level? People? Animals? It's hard to explain. I see things differently. The way I think about things... It's like. If someone is honest with me. I will be honest back. If someone is not, I have no problem manipulating them to the point of .. Anything. they become meaningless to me because I believe on some level everyone knows what they say and how they say it matters. If that makes sense... I'm very bad at explaining this. I will use people without a care in the world, measuring how much I hurt them on a scale of sorts. A heartbreak here, a lie here. I try not to perminantely hurt people.. Who do nothing to me. But I really don't care... Life is unfair. I just get what I need. People who are honest with me and build a connection with me? I'm extremely honest with them. Well. Now I am. Not always. I'm trying to be a "better person" whatever that is. Favor for favor, tic for tac so to speak. I don't believe in harming others who won't harm me. Sort of like a truce. And I can come to enjoy their company, even care for them. I also out of instinct care about people as a whole. I wish deeply everyone could be even in life.!equally happy. I am extremely logical though and know this is not possible so, to get to a level of life I want. I will do whatever I need. If someone fucks me over or tries to use me without giving back to me in some way, I get revenge. How is this possible that I will do whatever it takes to get where I want in life without feeling bad. But I still wish that life could be fair to everyone?
... Because I'm lying to myself? None of that makes sense because it's not true. Everything I say do its all for my own gain. Except ... I want it to be true? I love And I care for animals because I feel they are innocent. I believe people are fucked up and good at the same time. But mostly fucked up. Because of society. I do what I need to do to get where I want in life because I see the "evil" in others. People manipulate without noticing it every day. I notice it. So I'm better at it then most and I don't mind doing it. We all do. Am I wrong for that? It doesn't mean I don't care about "friends" people in life that I know would go out of their way for me, I would do the same for them, is it because I know it's useful to have friends because I might call on them one day? Or because I just want to do good? I honestly do not know. And then comes the discussion of lovers? I only had one female I loved in my life. For two years. I created an entire backstory and lie to get her to fall for me. When we were going out and even to this day I feel I care about her. But how much do I really care if almost everything I ever told her was a lie? Though.... I never cheated? Can I love? Do I love? Have I loved? I have more questions about myself then I do answers.
I'm sorry that this is so jumbled, my hopes is that by writing so hurriedly it accurately conveys how my thoughts are racing through my mind at the moment.
