Sociopath Community

lol

i only recently realised that i was a sociopath, 

i do not actually feel scared, just that thats how i should feel scared.

i have never had any intention of hurting anyone but i wonder if i admit to being a socipath if people will just role ther eyes and asume im looking for attention or they might just be scared of me i cant find any info online that isn't "Get Away from your Sociopath Ex Whatever" 

im never sure about what i might be feeling or even if im feeling instead i just seem to have a continuous unrelenting stream of thought, it gets exhausting sometime... 

none of my thoughts here seem to be articulated very well but the main idea here is that i am going through a very similar situation.

Hi,

So yeah I'm new here because I absolutely fucking hate not being able to be myself around people. Having this whole fucking facade the entire time,

and pretending that I care when I actually don't. It is exhausting to put on a mask the entire fucking time and it is driving me nuts. Anyway, I feel this

huge urge to find people that are the same as me. I do enjoy being around people, but it is only a matter of a few hours before I get annoyed at the point of

rage and I don't have a place to blow off steam. Funny thing is that I always thought that I was exactly the same as anyone else just more polite and well-mannered because I didn't go batshit crazy because of emotional issues. I thought it had something to do with intellegence and being able to control emotions. I can always understand where people come from and how it affects their behavior and way of thinking, but I could never genuinely relate to it because I don't experience things the same way. It is only a few months that I understand what I am and the fact that people accept all kinds of crazy emotional people except those that are not crazy and think of everything in a rational way infuriates me. How can you accept people bitch and complain about the same relationshipstuff over and over and over again. Anyway I can feel myself getting angry again. It just pisses me off that I can't say what is on my mind and have to play a role the entire time while fucking idiots can cry when they want to. It makes me so angry to find out that not everyone is going to the same struggle everyday to keep calm and play their part. That they are able to be themselves. 

Done with the rant.

I was wondering, when did you find out what you are? And did it affect you? 

It was a step-by-step process throughout my life:

First was noticing the insomnia, something I assumed was "normal" until I stopped having endless childhood energy. I'd be up hours beyond a healthy amount if not days, but as a child it didn't drag me down, so I didn't feel much reason to question it until it began to affect my performance in school. It'd been a thing before I was even forming memories, so there wasn't really a prior comparison for me to use as a point for questioning it. From being a light sleeper in the best of times... being alive often feels like one long day to me, dragging on with what sleep I can coax out of me offering me no real rest for the following day. A series of sleeping medicines have proven to either make me hyper, hallucinate, or have no response at all, so there wasn't much that I could do until I found other ways to induce sleep that weren't over the counter drugs.

Second was the OCD/OCPD co-morbidity. The nature feels like it was always there, but it didn't really stand out until I went to school. I noticed that somehow other children didn't have to have their chairs, books, pencils, desks, everything be just right... and that was horrible to witness their ignorance of the failure to conform to this standard. It only got worse once I became strangely obsessed with a 1 through 100 chart that was in the classroom. Noticing all the patterns across this 10x10 set made all sorts of annoying superstitions form about how I could do things more efficiently. This fixated on the number of steps I had to take when using the stairs, avoiding cracks from any surfaces, chewing things evenly on both sides of my mouth as well as organizing it by color, having things be divisible by 5 for things like volume and timers from this notion of "five being half of a full ones place cycle, simplifying it into a system of halves and wholes", hand washing rituals, organizing the world around me according to an imaginary grid, and one of the worst ones? "Sequencing". This is me seeking an impossible balance based on matching multiple parts of a sequence. Scratching my right arm for instance meant I had to scratch my left, but because I'd scratched my right arm before my left, I'd need to scratch my left arm before my right to balance it out... only to have to go left right right left from having gone right left left right... to follow with left right right left right left left right... and so on and so forth until I short out. This one was a mess, but with that came a lot of work on self control, both with the aim of making the behaviors appear more subtly and to hold them in until a more ideal time. This... can reflect in my behaviors a lot, and tends to show more signs and symptoms when I am under stress.

Third was Algolagnia. So long I'd spent trying to avoid pain, strangely ignorant of my own tolerance to it despite multiple times that really ought to have given it away. Up to a point I mostly didn't respond to pain, it just was something that happens that you walk off that limits the use of where the injury happened, but later on from a deep cut into my knee from a shard of metal I noticed that pain was suddenly something... else. This was during college, the result of a parkour accident from doing it stressed out in the snow. I found myself feeling strangely elated as the pain throbbed, shocked to look down and see the sort of cut that I ought to be freaking out about. I wasn't. It filled me with a joy that felt completely out of my control. Worried about it but limping, I fetched some fresh snow to try to clean the wound and found that the increased pain was... pretty amazing. Knee-bucklingly amazing. I couldn't control my tone briefly as I loudly responded to it late at night by myself before... deliriously trudging back to my dorm room to try to regain my senses during what portions that I wasn't completely lost to the newly found laughter-inducing sensation. This trait has lead to some weird deviations from normalcy, but with some time to learn and experiment I've made it into something I truly enjoy.

Fourth was PTSD. This is an old topic that's been visited on this forum already. I'm much better now if comparison serves as an accurate measure, but it's worth questioning if it ever really 100% goes away.

Lastly was the Paranoid Schizophrenia. In a way it was always sort of passively there, but it'd been building up more and more as I grew older. Sounds came first, but enough reinforcement of that being "my imagination" had me dismissing it as an overactive one. Smells came next but that one was subtle, mostly the assumption that I was smelling something burning when nothing really was. Paranoid delusions were building up as a compulsive worry very gradually throughout my life, subtle enough to not really be noticed until it hit a point of excess. Those were easy enough to dismiss as "teenage hormones", so I dealt with it instead of thinking that something might be wrong with me. My thoughts until not too long ago always felt like they were divided into eight pieces, all talking at once into a single microphone with only my conscious self there to try to decipher all that's buzzing around... poorly. Once I began seeing things in college... I wrote it off as the byproduct of sleep deprivation via insomnia. I'd hit a point where I'd not sleep beyond small catnaps I jerkily wake out of in a fright for five to twelve days, followed by near-coma sleep to recover from that, so it made sense to me that I might hallucinate a bit. Eventually once I started to find some ways around my sleep difficulty however... I noticed that a lot of what I'd written off with excuses were not only still there, but seemed to be getting worse. Episodes would hit where I'd flee from friends for no reason if not a nonsensical one, worry that my food was poisoned from an unknown group who's out to get me reading my debit records, throw together crazy theories based on having no existing walls between information for correlating to the point of insanity, assuming everyone I knew was leaking information to people who were out to get me without their knowledge through subtle questions that, on the surface, look like ordinary questions that lead to their unintended leak of the answers they sought, I'd start looking for hidden cameras, have a drastically increased sense of worry (compared to normally) about things that could read my thoughts to the point of trying to mentally "layer" them (thinking of monotonous things at the same time as my own thoughts with split attention to layer them and make them harder to read), assume that someone could assault me at any minute without warning to a nonsensically twitchy degree, fear that I'll die if I left my room to the point of spending sick days on such times... It became a crippling problem for me. Meeting other schizophrenics made me quite haunted when the similarities stuck out extremely obviously, and down the line it ended up being a match. I have decent control over myself, but there's... lapses from time to time based on levels of stress in my life.

Naturally there's a few negative symptoms (in the sense of things that are absent from the template human mind) from the Schizophrenia, but those haven't really been much of a problem for me beyond some increased difficulty with finding enjoyment in things, some dissociative (or catatonic maybe) symptoms from time to time, some times of fear-based avoidance of the outside world that I have to fight to keep in check, and prior to working more on my acting as a form of cue-based conditioning, my emotional displays were a little... off. Even now the displays aren't always quite wired right if I'm not consciously keeping an eye on it, in some cases outright twitching an expression that has no reason being there without knowledge of it happening. Until towards the end of college, I'd assumed that all expressions people expressed all rooted from some form of fear, so I'm guessing that something's amiss with my understanding of other people's feelings beyond the observed effects of them. Naturally from not relating to how bad pain is for other people, I respond differently when I witness another's physical suffering (and strangely I seem to be getting worse there).

In a lot of ways, having to work hard to not succumb to the weight of these afflictions has yielded me advantages in other strains like it, if not advantages within the disadvantage itself. Knowing about these disorders has granted me two things: An easier time communicating my differences, and the ability to scare the shit out of myself by researching what I might one day regress into if I don't keep fighting to keep things under control.

It must be so amazing to be yourself and don't have to hold in the entire time. How do you drop masks? When someone goes on too long with a topic you have zero interest in you just tell them to suck it and walk away? To answer your question about guilt, I don't understand guilt and I never had it I think. If I do something I think about it and the possible outcomes. So I genuinely don't understand why I would feel guilt about doing anything. Perhaps I can feel some regret when one of my actions doesn't have the effect I thought it would have, but in that case I would rather be annoyed with the current situation and see it as a learning possibility. I think feeling guilty jusn't doesn't make sense because then you shouldn't have done something in the first place. However, I can understand why other people would feel it. Because they were in a state of emotional stuff and made a decision based on emotions and therefor feel bad once they are back to their normal self. But no, it isn't a situation where you will find me in. 

I could fuck someone over and feel okay with it, but only if I can justify it. I love playing games, but only if that person is a player as well. F.E. the moment someone is impolite or unkind in a situation that person loses credits and I feel justified to fuck them over. Although I think that the way I justify things might be a bit in the grey area, I would never just fuck someone over because I can. And besides that, fucking someone over without a reason and too blunt can give you a bad reputation. And in this society it is allll about having a goodie goodie reputation right? Do you fuck people over for fun and do you feel guilty about it?

Thank you for welcoming me! I am happy to have finally found a place where I hope I can blow off some steam and can express my way of thinking without having to face consequenses.