It is funny how it has just been 3 days since I had begun reading about Psychopathy and everything read exactly who I am and what I do. I could never really grasp my identity, nor my personality, each time I try, it was as though i kept hitting a bottom of a barrel. I am simply empty. And the funny thing is I like it, but then I don't... ugh its complicated.
When I was just about 7/10 years old. That's as far back as I could recall what I felt. It started out with mimicking the smallest things, such as hand writings, walks, patterns of speech... I wondered how people could stay so constant, while I kept on shading from a person to another. I did try to find my own self, however I just could not find any depth. At some point, in my 17 years of existence, i found the only person I could be was someone else.
There is nothing I feel that could ever make me very happy or sad. Everything is just pretend. hell I got so good at pretending, at times I fooled me. It was these past few days that i pedaled back to my history and recalled every tear drop, every kind word i spoke, every caring hand i lent... It was all directed to non other than my gain, my pain and my game. I just don't know how to really feel. I though we, everybody else was faking the same way i was, i wondered why they pretended, seeming like good people and for what! But little did i know they ARE good people. At times i questioned why my parents cared so much about me, because they should? Why?
I remember my mother was ill this one time, everybody was huddling around her with so much fear and care, the only thing i pained for was her loss coasting me my conferrable life, i did not want her to die because i had now where else to go, not until i do though. My older sister - which i despise - was crying on my shoulder saying mom is very sick and that she was worried, she looked at me as if she awaited a tear to roll down my eye, AS though i was not concerned enough. Honestly they were making a big deal, she seemed in a fixable condition to me, of course i did not say that though, they will think i am a monster, given that i begun crying and "worrying". That was one of many a times. My father has been taking pills for about 8 years now. Now and then he gets sick. This one day he was telling me how he was seeing blood in his urine and how he felt so dizzy he could not stand and so forth... I remember standing there thinking of how to care, if there was a part of me that i could find care in, nothing. It was frustrating, i felt bothered of having to go through these emotions that don't feel attached to me. In fact the only time i "cared" was when his illness could possibly affect my life. My, my, me, me... I could never see another. I simply though i was just selfish sitting here to day i know selfish people but they do care at some point or another.
Every time something happened that disturbed the world or our home - including the death of my 2 grand mothers with in a period of two weeks time - i seemed to be the only one in the family that felt very calm or maybe even a little excited. It was a fresh change from the boring days that had passed. of course i HAD to pretend. I am not a monster, but i do not mind the pain of others as long as it has no part in interrupting my needs.
I often wonder, if i hadn't been raised in a stable and loving family, i would have had a high chance of becoming a real monster, killing one way or another.
Sometimes i could feel this monster inside me, out growing me. My whole life is lies and games.
I have these 2 little siblings about the age of 8 (girl) and 7 (boy); my older sister really loves them, she can't get her hands off them, giving them gifts, talking to them with such an open heart and so much care. She often say things like "You never kiss them, do you even love them?" And i would go through these emotions in my head wondering which one to display: the blame game, the pity, the acceptance... I did say those words to them, did them nice things, even though i didn't mean any of it. But the moment i had another way i dissed my sister, i do not need anything from her and i don't care about "our relationship". But i still need my parents even though they live thousands of miles away from me. I need their financial support. What if they had nothing to offer me, i cannot help but wonder if i would even posses these shallow emotions for them.
I like the way i am, if i could i would choose to be more of it.