And I might laugh at the old man falling, depends on if it was funny or or not
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I'm always thinking and analyzing things, trying to think about them objectively, regardless of how I feel about them. At least some of of you know what it's like to lose someone close to you and not feel any different than if you saw a dead bird lying on the ground. To be talking to someone and trying to understand why they are getting so emotional about a subject, when all it's doing is clouding their judgement.
I'm not sure if I'm really a sociopath, but I'm not sure what I could really be described as. I often catch myself trying to study and understand why I act the way I do, and wondering if I actually care about others around me, because of just how detached my feelings are from my judgement. I believe that I do care for other people, but I don't understand why there are times that I feel nothing. A lot of the time it feels like a switch where I can't feel something unless I have a reason to. It can switch off over even petty things, but I don't view it as being petty. I have this thought process where I will take actions to punish my target either verbally or mentally, but I dont feel gratification from doing it. I often feel like other people's emotions are tools that I can use to get my ends met.
One of the big things that make me wonder about myself is the aforementioned darth vader incident. This was a big catalyst in learning control over myself and my actions, especially around other people. I didn't even have a real reason to do it, and all thse years later, I still don't really have any actual emotions attached to it, just a curiosity as to why.
I came here almost by accident, and I still wonder how much of my facade is just an act. I do feel emotions, but they nearly always take a sideline to when I conclude it's reasonable to metaphorically "turn them on". I've always wondered why I've been like this, and I may never find out, but I do wish that I might ne able to one day.
The big one is when I picked my friend up by the throat and choked her like darth vader, and I cant really give a reason for it other than just because. I was talking to me about something and I just saw her throat. Another time my brother did something, I have no idea what, but I wasnt mad or anything. I just waited for him to come out of the bathroom, walked up to him and smiled, and kneed him in the stomach as hard as I could.He went in his room and cried for 20 minutes while I went to go read a book. I think that what I did was wrong, but I dont feel anything towards it.
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