Hey
What exactly brought you to this forum in the first place?
When I was still in more of a self-discovery phase, quite confused of what diagnosis to pin on myself, my Ex-Fiance (still my fiance at the time) was listing traits that sounded oddly similar to sociopathy. When I looked into it further it had me really wondering, but once I had experienced far more obvious schizophrenic episodes, realized how disproportionate my sense of fear was, and gave the book "The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness" a good read (and found it eerily relateable), I saw it couldn't be sociopathy, and then had my assumption confirmed through some tests clinicians put me through after I'd begun seeing a therapist for extra credit. While I would score somewhat high on anti-social scales, schizophrenia was a far more blatant culprit for it.
By then however I'd begun to believe that the SW blog was a joke through how seriously one of my comments was taken, and had already grown a bit attached to the Nabble forum from being a lurker and already possessing a preference for forums that are against their own source material. What got me out of hiding was one of Luna's early posts. I'd likely have kept lurking if not for needing to respond to how crazy it sounded, and once I'd begun posting I found myself gaining more through interaction than witnessing.
I was really "robotic" as the ex-fiance called it from needs being unfulfilled and from generally not connecting with people genuinely (usually acting instead as whatever I'd need to appear to be to get what I want out of the person, organizing their next behaviors like a rip off of the Bioware format through instigative replies). Once my masochism was really embraced I saw I had some vibrant feelings hidden underneath the surface. They only last when hanging around the source of it, but it's undeniably there when such people are nearby, even if fleeting. My tells are strange ones when I'm not being freed through pain, so in general I was used to people expressing confusion about it when they got to know me better once I'd let myself become a little more honest. I still don't really experience much in terms of feeling stuff, but I've found ways to not have that be all the time through the proper channels. Even then however, I am typically conscious of how I'm feeling from outside of the feeling itself instead of from within it, closer to observing myself feel things instead of just feeling it like an ordinary person. It seems oddly disconnected.
TLDR: I didn't quite get what was going on with me, I explored possibilities, and said exploration lead me here.
So Turncoat, were you clinically diagnosed as Skizo or did you self-diagnose?
If not too personal, how exactly did you discover your masochism was the release?
Did you experience any significant trauma as a child (like death of a loved one or abuse) that may have cause your weakened ability to feel?
A curious mind wants to know. Oh, and hi!
"So Turncoat, were you clinically diagnosed as Skizo or did you self-diagnose?"
First self diagnosed (which took a while since at first I didn't recognize the differences, then after I met other schizos I didn't want to believe it to be the case from sheer stigma) since the therapist wouldn't believe me from "it being so rare", so I was sent to be tested by some clinicians which made it more than just my own feelings on the matter. After a series of tests involving cameras, a one way mirror, tons of questions and quizzes, purposely shifted furniture they left me "alone" with, weird image match up stuff, and prodding me about my life and what details I allowed the therapist to share with them meant, when they got back to me with the results they not only confirmed my findings but looked very alarmed about it. They insisted I go on meds, and I fairly politely declined.
"If not too personal, how exactly did you discover your masochism was the release?"
I out of paranoia was good at avoiding pain more from the risk of permanent damage it potentially carried, so most pain I felt was from stuff like sparring, toe stubbing, skinned knees, etc. I assumed that I just had a high pain tolerance or that adrenaline might have been blocking out the pain others were so quick to complain about, but then when I got older and got a pretty deep cut in my knee from some sort of metal shard during some night time parkour in the snow on my campus... it was hard to deny how good it felt. Through further experimentation through purposely harming myself further and eventually mixing it with sex I saw that it was an amazing outlet for pent up stress, and that I could become a different person around the source compared to when around other people. These days it's changed from something fun into a minor addiction, as I just don't feel alive without it.
It was a pretty depraved night, and I'm kind of glad that there weren't any witnesses (that time at least) until after I had some time to collect myself and try to grasp what the fuck just happened.
"Did you experience any significant trauma as a child (like death of a loved one or abuse) that may have cause your weakened ability to feel?"
I mostly remember being afraid of the concept of death instead of really missing the person who died (grandmother at age five, so I barely knew her at all). The dread of life not being as permanent as I'd been taking for granted prior had me become a bit of a mess, but after some time I got over it. Beyond that my life was pretty good with only a few angsty snags that inevitably come from being a "misunderstood teenager", so I can't really complain.
Even before said death my behavior began a little off, so I'm more inclined to believe the odd quirks are closer to nature than nurture, reflecting the negative symptoms earlier than the positive ones. Beyond that I am likely the byproduct of the performing arts school I attended, as many of my former classmates also have strange nervous behaviors while carrying the same sort of strengths that I do.
"A curious mind wants to know. Oh, and hi!"
'sup, and welcome back.
"Unlike us, you disagree with people more often and your opinion is often independent of the majority's view."
I have a habit of challenging or playing Devil's Advocate when addressing an individual directly to try to instigate more in depth responses out of people, and a lot of the stuff I say at times was simply said first, but there are some areas that seem to not match up with a lot of people I meet in general (masochism, philosophy, gender views, interests, etc). Beyond that, being aware of my being an unreliable narrator tends to change the message when compared to people who think their views are how things are. When you can't trust yourself, you don't leave as much to impression while suddenly noticing how many people are overly prone to it.
"You also contribute to topics more than most of us and your arguments are more impartial."
Contributing sometimes inspires others to do so as well, so how could I not? Beyond that my fingers here sometimes have a mind of their own, me staring at what I type after the fact surprised that I had that much to say (like the Bronies topic on the subject of escapism).
The impartiality to me at times feels like a requirement, since I find my own sense of personal bias a bit less stable than it ought to be at points, but otherwise it's the way I'm stuck viewing things since I'm a bit of a detached observer that prefers to live through others. I also when I have opinions of my own often don't take them very seriously since even my own opinion is just an opinion.
"You also state rather than suggest, making you more assertive than most."
I've learned that speaking in that fashion gets more vibrant results or accomplishes more than unsure words, but I do make sure to state when I am not experienced in a subject. Objectivity tends to be stating while subjectivity tends to be suggesting, and I don't really trust my subjectivity enough to give it much spotlight.
"You seem 26."
Is 26 really that much older than most people here? I guess I never really thought about how "mid-twenties" might be older than most here from the former presence of users like Raven, TK, Lycan, Whoameye, and... I'm guessing Spatial was on the older side?
With the lot around here now I guess I am "older". Weird.
"I was interested because you seem a bit different from the rest of the people."
What don't I have in common with them?
"I also thought it might be because you're older than most people here."
How old do I seem to you?
"Sorry if it caused you too much trouble to write the reply."
The replies mostly write themselves, so don't worry about it. 