.
Now now phreakout, that's no way to treat our guest. To answer your question faggot, no, your not crazy. In fact, your perfectly normal. But forget about all that, take a seat and enjoy this warm meal prepared for none other than yourself. I promise you, there's no sedatives in the wine nor the food...
i dont get why i am how i am and it really really frustrates me
i dont have a skewed past. as far as i can remember.. my childhood was good. i have good parents who love and care for me. good siblings. ive always had a good living environment. ive led a healthy life physically. healthy food, fairly active. ive had friends all my life.
i dont get why i am how i am.
i was never abused. i wasnt horribly sheltered. i never had some sort of traumatic experience. i was always happy. i cant remember anything that wasnt generally happy.
i dont get why i am how i am.
when i was at fairfax. they told us to find the root of our problems. abusive relationships, troubled pasts, history of abuse and so on. everyone had their story. a legitimate cause for their depression or anxiety. a legitimate reason as to why they tried to kill themselves.
me? i had nothing. i dont know why im sad. i dont know why im anxious. fuck! i don't even know why i tried to kill myself! i just lost my shit one night. i went out of control. i didnt know what i was doing. i just thought to myself. "i could do this! i could kill myself! what if i did? what would it be like if i cut into my veins? what would that look like? how would that feel?" i wasnt sad. i wasnt tortured. i didnt hate myself. i didnt particularly want to die. i just didnt care if i did. i still wonder sometimes. what it would feel like to bleed out like that. they say your life flashes before your eyes before you die. what would i see?
in the hospital and in fairfax they asked me why i tried to kill myself. and i didnt have a good answer so i made shit up. because how the hell are you supposed to tell someone you just wanted to see how it felt? how the hell are you supposed to tell someone you just wanted to watch yourself bleed to death?
thats crazy! am i crazy?
is it crazy that sometimes i get these terrible, itching urges to hurt people? i dont do it because i dont want to get in trouble. but if i knew i could get away with it its scary what i would do.. it boils in my stomach. it makes my chest swell. it makes my skin itch and my palms sweat. and i just want to punch someone. or stab someone. or set them on fire or cut into their stomach and feel around..
am i crazy?
i feel like a sociopath more and more as the days go by. i care less and less about other people and more and more about myself. i think i could lie to the devils face without flinching and fool him into letting me go to heaven without remorse. im more and more okay with manipulating and lying for my own gain. i dont do it often, but it doesnt bother me when i do.
am i crazy?
more than once ive thought about beating my brother savagely. and that one kind of scares me when i think back on it. at the time it was just an urge. something i thought he justly deserved. but then i think now and i think /god/. hes my brother. i cant do that. no matter how much he gets on my nerves.
i feel like i should be committed but that didnt help at all last time and i cant stand being cooped up like that again. the people there made me feel worse than anyone actually helped. the only thing that ever helped was medication. the people there can go to hell for all i care..
i watched a video a bit ago. it was of a russian family. a brick flew through the windshield and struck the mother in the head, killing her. the father pulls over in a panic. he was screaming in agony over the death of his wife. the children in the backseat are all screaming and crying. theyre all speaking russian but you can tell the children are all saying 'mommy'. you never see the woman because its a dashcam. but theyre all screaming at this loss.
everyone on reddit talked about how horrible and traumatizing the video was. saying not to watch it dont let curiosity get the better of you, dont watch it. so me, being the one that questions his own sanity. his own sense of empathy. i watched it.
and i felt nothing. i didnt feel bad for the family that lost their wife and mother. i wasnt shocked or anything. i just felt left down because it wasnt nearly as bad as reddit made it sound.
is that bad?
am i crazy?