Self-fulfilling Prophesy- OH GOD! Now I have to worry about that too. Thanks a lot! JK :p
So my move is so close now I can almost reach out and touch it. I can feel the beach water pooling around my ankles it's so close. But there has been more stress building up around this next phase. I am now depending on my lunatic family to keep a roof over my head for the next 5 weeks, and that can seem like an eternity to be in such close proximity of them. I feel like everyone around me is trying to devour me. They see the end coming and want to play the loving family who wants to spend time with me. The best friends that knew me so well for almost 8 years.
The one person I let get close to me the entire time I was here... We've been going to dinner every Wednesday night after I work both of my jobs, and he is really beginning to panic. A few weeks ago we sat an reminisced about when we first met, and what it was to be my roommate. I think he believed he was telling me a story that would stroke my ego when he compared winning my trust, and friendship to that of winning over a feral animal. He said that winning me over was more rewarding than winning over the average person. I smiled of course, but it made me a little sad. Maybe even disgusted? Not at him necessarily, but it made me think for a moment that maybe that's how everyone sees me. As some challenge that makes them feel special if they can conquer me. No wonder I still attract more narcy types than anyone else.
I'm getting off my point...
Anyway, the more people want to spend what little precious time with me that I can spare- the more the walls feel like they are closing in on me. For the remainder of this month I will still be working 2 jobs and only getting Saturdays off. Now that I am no longer in my own place, I also have to pick my teenage daughter up from one of my sister's house and drive her to school before dropping the other off at daycare, then going to work, and hauling ass to get them both after... then dropping them at separate houses. It's dark when I get home. All I want to do is fade out.... but that's when my family wants to swallow me up with all their manic energy, and I try to chat with my husband as much as I am up for because we have a 17 hour time difference.
At the assisted living place, where I run my own shop- the one girl who works for me quit. Now I'm having to do her 12 clients along with my own, and this is the time of the year new residents start pouring in because of the move in specials.
Coming to the meat of my post: I'm beginning to go back into an aggressive mindset because of all the stress. It's not good. I get fucking shitty. Abusive to my clients. Abusive to coworkers. I'm way too easy to provoke when I'm like this, and I lash out impulsively. This is when I begin to sabotage. I used to think I did this shit on purpose, but seeing as I want this move to NZ more than I've wanted almost anything else; I'm not so sure now. I think the fuse gets shorter when you can see an end in sight, and lately I fear myself. I keep seeing me doing something stupid and getting arrested like I did before I moved here from NM.
I guess it's good i'm so afraid that I'll sabotage myself this go round though. I mean what is fear good for if not to keep you from doing shit that is counterproductive to your well being and survival, right?
I think there are people here who can relate to what I'm saying. Sabotaging yourself just before things get good...
I just need to make it 5 more weeks. How hard can that be? I can almost taste the salt water on my fingertips. What can I do to manage this stress in the meantime? I don't know.
by SystematicI'd be pretty irritable too if I had your schedule, especially with people showing fake kindness because then they expect it back. If I was you, I'd get a hotel room on that Saturday off just to relax.
Yeah, you know I easily forget that it's an unusual load for anyone to carry. I always think it's because I'm so fucked in the head that I start acting this way. That may have been true of this aggression in my youth, but that's not the case now. Maybe I'm healthier than I even know, because I've had this kind of overloaded plate for a long time now.