I feel like the angst in the song is focused inward. With some of the I'm-lashing-out-so-I-can-pretend-this-is-your-fault-instead-of-mine and some I-don't-want-to-let-you-in. It's a good song but kind of funny in the way the listener recognizes the person as immature...and yet most people do it to some extent.
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I will quote verses from this song and then give what I feel is how best I can relate to them. Verses repeated in the song will not be repeated during the relating part of this post. Following how I relate to the lyrics, I will analyze the mindset of the person who wrote the lyrics for this song.
"Fear can drive stick/and it's taking me down this road/a road down which I said I'd never go"
I prefer to confront my fears head-on instead of letting them "drive stick," because I feel that you grow as a person when you overcome challenges.
"And here I sit/thinking of God knows what/afraid to admit/I might self-destruct"
I usually know what I'm thinking about unless I'm pretty fucked up on drugs. But I do sit a lot, and I guess I self-destruct in a way with how I've used alcohol. I'm hoping I have a good liver. So yeah, I guess I can kind of relate to this in a roundabout way.
"So lock the windows/and bolt the door/'cause I've got enough problems/without creating more"
Well deal with the damn problems then, instead of pushing them aside and trying to hide away from more.
"I feel like I was born/in devastation and reform/destroying everything I loved"
I can't say I relate to this at all. But I have squandered so many opportunities that I should probably already be an intern at a research and development company, instead of a security guard.
"And the worst part is/I pull my heart out, reconstruct/and in the end, it's nothing but/a shell of what I had when I first started"
I have no idea what that's like.
"Usually I'll cause my own first hit/it seems to me to be slightly masochistic"
I try to not hit myself a lot.
"But there'd be no story/without all this descension/so I inflict the conflict with the utmost of intention"
Well I guess if that keeps you from feeling emotionally empty, then by all means go for it.
"Thank you God, for giving me the insight/so I might make these wrongs right"
Is this her way of verbalizing that she realizes she is the one causing all the pain she feels by creating it on her own? Or do I misunderstand the lyrics?
"If and when, there ever is a next time/'cause failure is a blessing in disguise"
A lot of times, it can be. Unless your life is utterly ruined. But seriously though, there are many lessons that you can learn from negative events in your life. It's a shame that many people don't seem to realize that.
Analysis of the lyrics of the song and the mind that wrote them:
This person has or had many problems in life, and did not know how to properly handle all of them well, or was otherwise unable to deal with them directly, or compartmentalize them. She felt very afraid because of her condition, and fear became the dominating drive of much of her behavior. Hence the lines: "Fear can drive stick/and it's taking me down this road/a road down which I said I'd never go."
She fears she may "self-destruct" because she is feeling so overwhelmed. She wants to "lock the windows" and "bolt the door" to keep the world shut out so that she can keep any potential new problems "locked out."
She references several times that she is in fact the cause of at least some of her problems. She says: "destroying everything I loved," "usually I'll cause my own first hit/it seems to me to be slightly masochistic," (it is, by the way), and finally "but there'd be no story/without all this descension/so I inflict the conflict with the utmost of intention."
Now how does this tie in with being controlled by fear, and being overwhelmed by one's problems? For surely one would not wish to cause more trouble for themselves, if they felt they already had too much to deal with. Unless, that is, they were a bit masochiststic. Which she is, and she even hints at the possibility of it herself: "usually I'll cause my own first hit/it seems to me to be slightly masochistic." She complains about her problems and of "self-destructing," but she's actually getting off on all the turmoil at the same time. Which is why she says, "but there'd be no story/without all this descension/so I inflict the conflict with the utmost of intention." Again, she just needed to feel something, good or bad, to escape a meaningless life.
At the end of the song, she declares her realization that she was the root of many of her own problems, and thanks God for giving her that "insight." But she is aware at some deep level that she's still a masochist. Why else would she say, "If and when, there ever is a next time/'cause failure is a blessing in disguise?" Despite realizing she purposefully causes her own problems, she is still uncertain whether or not she will repeat her behavior! I bet on whatever album follows this one, the woman is again complaining about things. Why? Because she's a masochist, and she thrives on those feelings. She even wrote a song about it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7IJC6nMons
"I feel like I was born
To devastation and reform
Destroying everything I loved and the worst part is
Tear my heart out, reconstruct
And in the end there's nothing but
The shell of what I had when I first started"
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