Cool read. Thanks for sharing.
"Closet/stealth narcissists repress awareness of their narcissistic traits due to inner conflict; deep down inside they find their fantasies embarrassing and unacceptable"
I cannot speak for others, I haven't discussed this with any other covert narcs but for me its a deep seated feeling of inadequacy. I understand that I'm biased by narcissistic delusion and its not enough to believe im the best. My ambitions for the most part are efforts to prove myself right. Subconsciously everything has to be perfect when I put my hands on it because of this, which is what leads some people to think I have a form of OCD. I at times find it embarrassing and unbecoming to talk about or share achievements with others, because while these accomplishments may be impressive on their own, they dont fit up to my gold standard and what I expect out of myself.
"Deep down inside they realize that their fantasies are ultimately self-centered and are to solicit goodness and power to one's self; to put one's self up on a pedestal, above all others."
After the realization that the narcissism was a defense mechanism, a numbing agent I started finding ways to manipulate it. Adjusting the level of perfection I expected and this came with consequences. While I was able to set my expectations higher I couldnt lower them, once I saw that I was capable of running at 110% that's where i set the bar. It lead to a near nervous breakdown recently and I'm still recovering from it.
Bumping for informative purposes.
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/revealing-the-two-faces-of-narcissism-overt-and-covert-narcissism/
What do people think about this passage?
"Closet/stealth narcissists repress awareness of their narcissistic traits due to inner conflict; deep down inside they find their fantasies embarrassing and unacceptable. Deep down inside they realize that their fantasies are ultimately self-centered and are to solicit goodness and power to one's self; to put one's self up on a pedestal, above all others."
I stumbled across this while researching and found this to be the most relatable disorder I've bothered to look at.
I found this site very helpful in identifying what a stealth narcissist actually is: http://sparkster.hubpages.com/hub/The-Covert-Narcissist
Whenever I meet something that challenges me or I see a potential loss I feel a wave of unhealthy drive and anger. Going about my task most of time using excess force and over-killing it. It's extremely unhealthy and self destructive but its given me the edge in close situations where I might have taken a loss. After a good bit of introspection I've understood it. Whenever I see an obstacle in my way it challenges my entire mindset. If I took a loss it would be one more blow against the very mentality I stand on, essentially potential threats have the ability to threaten everything I am(this is the ultra-sensitivity to criticism that is notorious to narcs).
All this gives me small, unpleasant perks whenever I'm in pain/conflict. Laughing hysterically while injured or on the brink of losing. I don't get discouraged by small setbacks, just enraged to do 2-3 times more than what I originally aimed for. As self destructive as this is I've gained a taste for it, a curiosity to see exactly how far my limits can be pushed and what I'm capable of. Again it's not healthy but I'm enjoying it, while enjoying the rewards that come with such ambition.
edit: Whenever I'm under the effects of being enraged like that I've never hit a limit. It's continuous and never seems to cease until I mentally have to put it down or the task itself has been achieved. Even in training it was shown that my body would give up far before this mindset would, it really just peaks my curiosity on whats able to be accomplished for me.
I've learned to manage it now, but it'd send me spiraling into self doubt and a feeling of inadequacy through even the most basic mistakes. If I wasn't careful it'd send me into depression which would last for days and up to weeks. Followed up by a very strong determination to fix whatever I wronged.