You are not a nihilist. You are depressed.
Welcome back, Suicide Drama Queen.
I have found that after realizing to an extant that my ambitions, be they fulfillable or not, none of it will be able to satisfy my needs and desires.
All of it came down to nothing, a unfulfillable, insatiable desire for something intangible, an arbitrary need. Which when examined would be impossible to achieve.
The traits society values are ambition and drive however self destructive and fruitless they may be in the end.
"For in the fact that he despaired of something, he really despaired of himself, and now would be rid of himself. Thus when the ambitious man whose watchword was "Either Caesar or nothing"3 does not become Caesar, he is in despair thereat. But this signifies something else, namely, that precisely because he did not become Caesar he now cannot endure to be himself. So properly he is not in despair over the fact that he did not become Caesar, but he is in despair over himself for the fact that he did not become Caesar. This self which, had he become Caesar, would have been to him a sheer delight (though in another sense equally in despair), this self is now absolutely intolerable to him. In a profounder sense it is not the fact that he did not become Caesar which is intolerable to him, but the self which did not become Caesar is the thing that is intolerable; or, more correctly, what is intolerable to him is that he cannot get rid of himself. If he had become Caesar he would have been rid of himself in desperation, but now that he did not become Caesar he cannot in desperation get rid of himself. Essentially he is equally in despair in either case, for he does not possess himself, he is not himself. By becoming Caesar he would not after all have become himself but have got rid of himself, and by not becoming Caesar he falls into despair over the fact that he cannot get rid of himself. Hence it is a superficial view (which presumably has never seen a person in despair, not even one’s own self) when it is said of a man in despair, "He is consuming himself." For precisely this it is he despairs of, and to his torment it is precisely this he cannot do, since by despair fire has entered into something that cannot burn, or cannot burn up, that is, into the self".
Sören Kierkegaard
My sense of value tends to clash with my belief of said value, since I will see it as something I like even though it carries no more importance than anything else. While I will individually appreciate things (to the point of obsession sometimes), I also find it largely hypocritical yet somewhat unavoidable to do so. Most of my sense of value comes from how much it distracts me from focusing on how much nothing matters, as while "nothing matters" to me is a comforting perspective it's also boring. Add that boredom on top of too much time on my hands and it shows itself as not the best way to live.
I've found myself valuing the fact that other people value things and try to enjoy that through them even if I largely disagree with portions of it. Sometimes it can be easy to become lost within someone else's zeal as I begin to obsess over making sure they don't lose it for the sake of my own symbiotic supply, strengthening them so that in the end I reap more from it. At the very least it can be entertaining if nothing else.
Basically, I live through other people since being alone is just an empty well of Nihilism and apathy. I suppose that technically make me somewhat co-dependent. It's ultimately lead me to collecting people's stories for my own sense of comfort and future story gathering potential, but often enough I'll become more invested in their stories over my own, occasionally forgetting to eat or sleep at points from it since neither those two things nor pain will distract that sort of obsession when it occurs.
Without others, I'm just looking at an empty stage.