Seems like I remembered my information to this place after all. Good thing I picked something simple for the name, amiright?
Just felt like sharing my experience somewhere. Hard to talk to those around me because they just don't get it. Feel like I'm talking to a wall. Either I get 'oh I'm the same way' from people who clearly don't in these least feel the same way, or looks of horror or disgust, or simply laughing in disbelief, as if I'm trying to be cute or amusing. Its disgusting. And sometimes a guy just wants to vent.
So here goes.
My friend died this morning. Close friend even. She was one of the few people I just never got tired of talking to. We had a ritual of getting together most mornings before we start our day and just hanging out and chatting. She really didn't see me for who I was, but she loved me anyway. Loved everyone, actually. A very bubbly personality. She will be missed, as will our morning ritual.
The thing is, I don't Care that she is dead. Not at all. I'll miss having her around, being the ray of optimism in my otherwise obnoxiously artificial day surrounded by equally artificial and obnoxious people. I still find it surprising she is dead. Almost like, 'really? that was unexpected.' I don't know. I don't feel sad or like some peace of me is missing, anything. I'll walk you through the process.
I got woken up around 11am by a knock at the door. My dad (also close to her) was in tears and told me 'Deb is dead.' I just looked at him blankly while he told me the details, then thanked him for telling me and went back to my room. My first thought - while being told - was 'It's too early for this shit.' It was my day off and I was rather enjoying my sleep. I could have just as easily been given the news when I woke up, so the inconvenience was unnecessary and the focal point of my thoughts at the time.
Later, my second thought about it came up. 'She owed me $50. I'm not getting that back.' Followed immediately after by 'Dammit, that means my dad probably isn't going to be paying me the $280 as soon as expected either because she was a big source of his income.' So I am out over $300 I expected to have before leaving for my vacation. Mind you, it isn't a significant loss, but still, I don't like losing money. This bothered me a little.
Much later, not long ago infact, I had a third thought on the matter. Damn, she's gone. I'm going to miss talking to her. Still no emotional response, but a clear understanding that she is infact gone and that ray of sunshine in the morning will no longer be there to remind me that all hope Isn't lost for the species. Bugger.
My problem is I cannot tell anyone this because I get the same old 'give it time' or 'everyone processes things in their own way' rationalizations. No one really 'gets it.' They think I am struggling in my own way, and that lack of understanding can get under my skin sometimes. Anyway, just wanted to share. I'll be around though not sure I'll be commenting too much. I think the most active current topic is 'this place is dead', so I have a feeling the articles wont be too interesting nowadays.