This is a thread in which to vent. Here's my rant. All the things that "should" fullfill me (according to pro-social societal norms) increasingly don't. I am getting older, and instead of being satisfied with simple pleasures, I grow ever more hedonistic, impatient, incapable of genuine, transformative remorse, and in chronic need of increasing levels of stimulation. On the outside, I have it all together. I am professionally successful, smart, confident and good-looking. But on the inside, I am screaming. I am chronically bored. I am self-destructive, self-obssessed, and full of a rage that is ready to surface at any moment, on impulse- trenchant, and frightening in its ability to cut others down. On some fundamental levels, I exist in diametric opposition to what I idealize. The schism is so deep that it cuts to the very core of my soul, sealing off the various attributes of my character into compartments that I am cognitively aware of, but incapable of reconciling, emotionally or spiritually. I have no internally consistent identity, so I am the ultimate hypocrite. I am everyone and nobody. And yet I like myself. I know who I am, and how to best leverage my assets. Writing this has made me feel contemptuous, and vaguely uncomfortable. Analyze that, SC.
Yeah, I did that back in my late 20s. Thank god I didn't do anything too crazy.
Now not much makes me happy except for the little things. What can I say, I'm basically a burn out.
Remorse is an idotic concept unless you are out there with an Ak-47 shooting up innocent people.
What are you killing?
TBH OP, it sounds as if you think you are bigger than you truly are. You aren't killing anyone.
I guess if you wanted to, you could try moving into a downtown urban core. It's a fast life, but even that gets totally fucking boring after a while, because it is basically a small world where-ever you go. So...
Yeah, I have a tendency to pick strange friends, as in, I probably wouldn't be comfortable going over to some persons place for dinner. But I'd be more than happy to go over some place and drink myself stupid while riding around on giant lawnmower me and my friends just resurrected from the trash, sort of thing.
Or a mini rave filled with crackheads, and prostitutes. 40+ only. Lol!!! No parolees.
Dinner sounds nice, but isn't dinner really a formal way of saying hey, look at my house, look at how formal everything is. We have arrived. We know you are just as bored as fuck as we are. Don't worry. This is the way life is supposed to be.
What's the source of your rage?
Do you feel that there's something in your life that you missed out on (or are being denied, or passed you by, or something like that)?
What do you think will make you happy? Do you have it?
Do you do things to make other happy even if it doesn't make you happy, or do things because you're "supposed to" even though you don't want to?
Do you know anyone that is like you but "more" (more impulsive, more self-destructive, etc.)? How do you feel when you're with them?