Sounds BPD to me.
You sound impressionable like a teen and you pick up the energy of what your friends are doing. IF they are bad you act bad, if the are good you try to be good.?
The reason i say bpd, is you are an adult not a teen anymore.
I don't have friends. I have a general dislike for people.
It's not just /trying/, it's like...acting...I completely immerse myself in the 'character'. I convince myself so thoroughly that I am this person and their emotions, that I am now incredibly confused. I don't have an identity myself. I have my birth name and birth date, but it looks foreign to me. Any of my memories, starting from the day before, feel as though I wasn't actually there, that it was someone else. I only exist in the here and now, and when I go to sleep and wake up the next morning, who I was the day before no longer exists to me. I feel empty until I watch a tv show and end up becoming a character, or going out and end up becoming someone.
I don't mean becoming them in the that I use their name or anything. I just, I feel their emotions, and I take them on as my own. I know their likes and dislikes, and decide that they are mine as well. It is whoever I have the misfortune of stumbling across first.
I know this doesn't make any sense, but this is me at my clearest, late at night, and utterly confused.
I also change my appearance because of this. Up until I was thirteen I had waist length auburn hair as my pervert of a stepdad preferred girls with long hair.
My preferences for looks change so often, I have actually woken up at three am /just/ to drive to the 24/7 pharmacy and pick up hair dye. My hair grows out fast and I've had it almost any length possible. Some mornings I'll wake up and decide I want red hair. I'll dye it and chop it off to my shoulders. A week later I won't be able to sleep because I have decided I /hate/ the colour red, and I want black hair. Long. So I buy extensions. I also own various pairs of contact lenses.
It's not like I'm /trying/ to change my identity, I just truly have no idea who I am. It's always a surprise when I look in the mirror and see myself.
I understand that I will most likely gain criticism from this post, but I would like feedback, whether you decide to be cruel about it or not is up to you. It doesn't bother me.
My stepdad was diagnosed with ASPD, years ago. I have shown similar symptoms since I moved out at age thirteen, and throughout the years I have been given many different diagnoses. Last year when I was hospitalised for evaluation the psychiatrist went so far as to suggest that I may have it, but diagnosed me with NPD and BPD instead as I refused to speak to him.
I will post a quick list of my diagnoses (I do not agree with any of them. Most of these are no longer active diagnoses, these are from the ages of thirteen to my current age of twenty one.)
OCD, EDNOS, Depression, Complex Trauma Disorder, GAD, Social Anxiety, NPD, BPD, Dissociation, Psychosis, and 'Sociopathic Traits' (as one of my psychiatrists put it.)
I find that psychiatrists and psychologists in general are just complete idiots. But I've been with this one psychiatrist for two years now, and I have a feeling she may be getting somewhere.
I will simply put down what she said to me during our last session. She said she knows that most of the things I've said to her, and other medical professionals, is bullshit. She believes that I /do/ have some form of Trauma disorder due to the things my Stepdad did to my sisters, mother, and I, but the way she put it is she thinks I wake up every morning with a 'Blank Slate.' Which I agree with partially. I don't really have likes or dislikes, my diagnoses change so often because I change my symptoms constantly. I wake up every morning feeling nothing, until I converse with other people and take on their emotions and actions. But the thing is- I /feel/ these symptoms, they are real to me. Until they are gone. I don't feel much emotion myself, it is all shallow feeling such as contentment, or irritation. But I can tell what others are feeling. She went through various emotion charts with me, and we eventually had to stop after many of them as I was able to guess the emotion /perfectly/.
I have to admit, I assumed that I was a sociopath, I liked to think that I was. It gave me the perfect excuse for my urges and lack of guilt.
Problem is, I have guilt. Sometimes. It all changes.
She explained something about Pure Empathy, which was something that was never brought up to me before. She said that the emotions I was picking up from other people may have been too much, which may be why I shut my emotions down. It also may be why crowds are such a difficulty for me.
I'm starting to accept that I don't actually have an excuse for all the bullshit, the lies, the crimes. She explained that I may have done these things, taken on these symptoms, as a result of people I may have been around, taking on their traits. I may have been mirroring my stepdad and his traits.
I don't know what I feel. I feel almost betrayed by my own mind, I've been convincing myself that I am something totally different every few days/weeks/months.
I haven't as of yet done any reading on being an Empath, I wrinkle my nose at the thought, actually. It feels like a weakness to be something like that. I'm not totally convinced that she is right, and at the same time I still wonder. I thought I was just perceptive and that was why I was able to pick up on and copy emotions so perfectly.
I've been able to trick thirteen psychiatrists in the past eight years.
I don't know where I was heading with this. I guess I'm wondering if it's possible for an Empath to present as a Sociopath? I know she told me that it is common for empaths to actually 'lock their emotions away'.
But isn't that what sociopaths do? And those with trauma disorders? And Dissociation?
We are all born with natural emotions, not all of us learn how to use them I guess.
I've been in your minds, whether it was as an empath, or as a sociopath myself, I don't think I will ever know. But I understand those urges, I've felt them. I loved feeling powerful.
I've been in many mindsets actually. And maybe I'm just completely delusional.
Who knows. I don't think I'll ever know.