I'm walking on a bridge as thick as a single strand of hair.
That's what It feels like, just this ongoing feeling of uncertainly, unsureness and Insincerity.
I went into the woods last night to scream, it felt better for awhile but eventually the same woe came back.
I also happened to see that Boy I was talking about before. He was looking pretty fine, I was sat kinda close and we made eye contact a few times... But nothing else really happened. It left me feeling down.
I attended the synagogue again, as I have been doing all week. I did Na Nach Nachma Nachman Meuman and that made my entire week happy for the most part.
I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, everything I do seems to be wrong... It Seems to be deserving of punishment.
Life is full of an illusion called despair... It's just a test, and I need to stop indulging in the idea I get a rest. I need my views to coincide with reality, HaShem can kill me and I'd be fine by that. Gam zu l'tovah as it's said.
It is a halacha in Shulchan Oruch, Orach Chayim (230:5). It is very befitting that this Halacha of, 'Everything Hashem does is for the best,' is in this section of Shulchan Oruch called Orach Chayim, 'The Way of Life' (which teaches us the basic halachos on how to live such as Tefillin and Shabbos), because this is one of the basic foundations of how to live a happy life.
It is based on the Gomoro Brochos 60b: "Rabbi Akiva was accustomed to saying "Everything Hashem does is for the good". Once Rabbi Akiva was traveling with a donkey, rooster, and candle and when night came he tried to find lodging in a nearby village only to be turned away. Although Rabbi Akiva was forced to spend the night in the field, he did not lament his fate. Instead his reaction was "Everything Hashem does is for the best". (It is interesting to note the difference between Rabbi Akiva and us. If for example we were learning for a long time, and we couldn't find a place to sleep wherever we were, we would have complaints against Hashem that this is the reward we get for learning?! Yet Rabbi Akiva who obviously learned more and better than us had no such feelings). A wind came and blew out his candle, a cat ate his rooster, and a lion came and ate his donkey, and again Rabbi Akiva's reaction was "Everything that Hashem does is for the best". That night a regiment came and took the entire town captive, while Rabbi Akiva who was sleeping in the field went unnoticed and thus was spared. When Rabbi Akiva realized what happened he said, "Didn't I tell you that everything that Hashem does is for the best"?" Rashi explains that if the candle, rooster or donkey would have been around, the regiment would have seen or heard them and would have also captured Rabbi Akiva.
I'm a dead man already, merely a lost soul blowing in the wind. No more than dust, no more than immaterialism. I don't know what to do anymore... Whatever happens happens because it's the will of whatever it is that wills. Every occurrence and situation, negative and positive, is usually because of a reciprocal cycle in that circle of people... May I do good and receive bad, and accept bad to receive good.. This is vanity and vexation of spirit because I have no power to predict that which I know not. Whatever occurs, negative or positive, is because it has occurred... Something happened in order for that event to occur. Whatever it is, may I live accordingly.
Destitution is nothing, I'm already an impoverished man... My soul yearns and no one hearkens... But yet it still yearns.