Does your back problem have a name? Maybe spineless?
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Hello Aum,
Saw another poster with same name else where a while back...
Brutal childhood. And you're right, some people shouldn't breed. Seems that you have internalized too much crap and allowed it to affect you in various manners, not entirely certain how or why that is the case, but it certainly plays out in the various expressions of PD behaviors and mechanisms.
Have you looked into therapy? It's worth it to give it a shot and even if it's not the "perfect" fit or what have you, minimum you should be able to have another person with a less screwed up perspective guide you through some of the trip wire aspects...I would guess.
In short, don't let the fuckers break you. Plenty of decent people in the world, and sitting around swilling a beer talking about dumb shit is not necessarily all that bad. Can be fun as well, if not simply to watch the interplay between personalities.
Everyone thinks in a pattern and you need to change yours. It's not a matter of how, it's a matter of doing it - if you can. Can you seek therapy?
It sounds as if the shitty people around you make it difficult for you to maintain a stable sense of self.
I am not very familiar with psychology so a little brief background will help me articulate things better for my question I am going to ask:
Medical History:
I am currently 24 and due to rib, neck, and some spinal issues I suffered seemingly out of nowhere (as there was no one incident that originally caused it, but rather a gradual descent) my life is a mess.
Without going into much detail, the original cause of injury was from the strain of continous competetive weight lifting and the addition of a new labourous job that was clearly too much for me to manage together. This was 3 years ago.
Alot of the doctors I have seen can understand some of the physical problems, but none of them can understand some of the weird neurological issues I have.
This is because in theory the physical issues seen should not be correlated to the said neurological problems. And due to this about 50% of the doctors or experts I see are convinced that a huge part of my injury is due to the build up of so much prior emotional trauma.
I can tell you for a fact that medical science logic operates on very shaky grounds. "Objective facts", diagnosis's, logic, and treatment can differ entirely given which doctor you see, what field they're in, where they are geographically located, etc.
I have had experts tell me black and white differences in what is supposibly just a "fact". For example I was told there was no physical issues with a specific rib in a specific area because an MRI or Xray showed inconclusive data. Yet I saw another expert who took one look at me shirtless only to point out the bony protrusion and the overly obvious rib problem.
So whether they are correct or not regarding "emotion/mental trauma" being a huge driving force behind my health issues, I am unaware. However I still feel it is absolutely imperative that I fix this issue I will present momentarily.
Family Background:My mother was what I can only assume would be called a mega narcassist. Completely obsessed with self image and the use of the word "I". Has undergone boob job, collagen injections, and minor plastic surgery simply to try and maker herself look just a little better.
To give you an idea of the magnitude of this self image obsession: About 4 years ago, a while after a very minor collagen lip injection she was under the impression there was a slight blue hue to her upperlip area (there wasn't) and spent 2 months in bed and temporarily quit her job during that time. She did not leave the house for 2 months.
She also suffers from severe undiagnosed severe anger issues. She is also somewhat, if not completely bi polar. She is also obsessive.
For example: As a child I would be yelled at the top of ones lungs for anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours straight if I did not wash my hands without spilling a single drop of water on the counter. Another extreme: She would come home from work and scream like a maniac because she didnt like the "butt indention" or ass groove on the couch I made. Psychotically screaming that I "sit too hard".
She would also have no problem displaying this rage in public. Screaming her lungs out at Wal-Mart if something particularly bugged her would be typical.
She could however, be calm, use sexuality, or act socially adept at times to coherse situations to her advantage. However, she could not control her pride and anger. And then those advantages would burst away if anyone actually pissed her off. Simply put she cannot let anything slide that gets on her very easily bothered nerves and will blow up at the drop of a hat. Regardless of if it jeopardized her situation, she would let her anger get the best of her.
She has 4 restraining orders on her. I own one of them. My father the other. Our house builder the other. And a few other women the other.
Hopefully I have portrayed her character sufficiently.
Father:
Since I am unaware if anyone is going to actually read all of this crap I am writing, I will keep this one short.
I do not know the medical condition to peg this one in. However, the best way to describe him would be self esteem issues, some unhappiness, passive aggressive, cocky, cocky funny, withdrawn, false sense of machoism, thinks that emotions are weak, weak identity, selective push over, hypcrite.
He provides adequate financial support that a parent should, yet no emotional support would ever be given.
More or less he would always point out my faults and never say anything good about me. Constantly put me down either in a direct or indirect cocky funny manner to please his own shortcomings or to amuse others into making himself look better/appear funny. Then when I was reluctant to talk to people at family gatherings or appeared depressed/reclusive/timid in social situations he would tell everyone I was just anti-social. Which btw was out of term as avoidant would have fit better.
Any problem, injury, or concern I have I am told to "suck it up". Regardless of whether it is minor or major. Even my spinal issues are just something I should take a pain pill for and disregard. However, when it comes to his own health this sense of machoism/rocky balboa assholic mindset fades away. He will piss and moan over things as small as the flu to the effect you thought he was dying.
He raised me to believe emotions were weak and affection was "gay". Yet with all this machoness he allows women to push him over/manipulate him and will go into financial debt to please them only to then bitch thereafter. Any attempts to point out that hes being manipulated resulte in him getting extremely angry and walking away or acting like a child.
He also shows emotion now for his new wife that I was previously taught were "gay" emotions (ie caring, sympathy, romance, generic marital stuff, couple stuff, compliments, etc). And now he has also modified his personality and principles to please her. Of course he will then get mad at me if I do not possess similar traits that he has just adopted. Example: He has become Mr. Clean and tidy for said wife, and I am now regarded as a slob because I have not neurotically decided to do the same. Where just a few years ago he would be rather messy himself. So yea, the worst type of hypocrite.
Currently its also almost impossible to talk to him. Any attempts at even asking him a question, I can only expect a grunt, a "im too busy go away", 33% of the time he'll just ignore me and walk away, or if Im lucky I get an answer in a pissed off tone.
Any amount of stress caused by the burden of new people in the home or marriage issues is redirected at me. Both on his own accord and through the manipulation of new wife. He will also redirect his lifes anger at me and do this to what I only assume is both conscious and subsconsciously to reassert his male dominance that the new wife is essentially bending him over and taking. The hilarious thing is that she has convinced him that I actually bully him.
fck that was long, sry.
Me:
I included the parental details because I strongly believe that childrens personalities are very similar and the byproduct of their parents.
In short I seem to be a byproduct and possess majority of all their faults. And only recently in the past few years have I become consciously aware of all of them. Growing up I was severely depressed and always thought I was just "a problem" that no one could ever like or love. I thought my personality was terrible and everyone hated me.
The truth was that my personality was terrible, but that was because I was raised by two people who should have never been allowed to breed.
I would classify myself as a: textbook narcissist (where I have all of the bad qualities but lack the more sociopathic qualities that may be useful).
I like very few things but when I do find something I like I become obsessed with them to the point of it ending up being detrimental or self sabotaging.
I seem to see most everything that doesnt fit into my life goals to be pointless. For example: (friends will ask me to go out with them for drinks): I see this as an absolutely pointless endeavour. People who I already know sitting around a wooden table discussing things I can most likely already predict. Drinking there calorie filled beer consisting of empty carbohydrates that only impacts health negatively. There will probably be some repetetive overplayed tunes in the background and nothing will be productive or accomplished here -- why would I want to do this? How is this even fun? I want to enjoy it but I cant.
I suffer/suffered from self esteem and lack of confidence issues that I am consciously aware of but they are hard to shake because they have been engrained from parents putting me down and verbally assaulting me my whole life.
I have trust issues. I feel everyone is capable of cheating and lying and it is only a matter of time before it happens. Best to never trust then get burned -- because you will eventually get burned.
I have severe issues showing emotions of affection, love, sucking up, sympathy, or acting overly polite. I cant even fake this for personal gain. When I try to demonstrate these emotions it just feels embarrassing, prissy, and off. Obvious who nurtured this.
I let my emotions get the better of me and cannot control them. They end up being detremental to my life and the decisions I make. For example: If I am pissed off because I know I am right and someone else is wrong -- I will stop at no length to convince them that I am in fact right, even if I know doing so will make things terribly worse for myself in the end. I need to be right and show people. I cant let things slide, even though my brain thinks like a sociopath I get flustered and pop.
I became so obsessed with my looks and made myself very good looking and fit before I got my health problems. Working out was the center of my entire universe and my biggest fear was losing it (which I did). I suffered from bigorexia as well. This has made me extremely depressed.
I am into validation far too much. I feed off my ego being satisfied and cant seem to help it.
I dont try to objectify women but I seem to find them only attractive until they open there mouths. Then I find them less desirable, just human, and dull.
I constantly seem to treat people badly that treat me nice. Then I treat people nicely that treat me badly. Its almost as if I want the people that hate me to like me, but the people who already like me I couldnt care less about pleasing anymore.
I am less now but used to be extremely sensitive. Small things people say are twisted more negatively then they are probably intented and then fester and brew in my head.
When I want to learn something I obsess with it and drop everything else. Once I do learn it well, rather than scale it or reap the fruits of my labor by using it -- I just drop it and obsess over something new. I never enjoy the process of anything and once I reach a goal I get bored and move on. I never enjoy the fruits of my labor even though that was the original intention of learning something new.
I never live in the present. Never in the now and only for the future. Example: I really want to look good to please my own views and as well as to have intercourse with as many women as possible. At one point 80% of every woman I would approach or engage would be attracted to me. Yet I would not pursue them because I didnt feel like I was far enough in my looks or health goals. Aka I wasnt muscular enough yet, or I felt bloated or some other ridiculous reason. I would tell myself that soon I will be good enough, even though I already was and people were telling me.
I am a pessimist and negative because bad things always seem to happen to me. A line a pessimist would say, however I have evidential data to show that I am substantially more unlucky than the average person.
I feel like I dont have a personality and really dont know who I am. More or less i am just a collection of faults and every now and then I try to push a certain trait only for it too eventially fade away. My constants and/or my default mode would be quiet, negative, depressed, reclusive, and not very social.
Though I have played the angry guy, the cocky guy, the humble guy, and the charismatic guy. All of them I can never maintain and I always manage to slip back to my defaults when bad things happen -- and they always eventually do.
When I was a child I would say I had a pure heart and a huge conscience -- much much more than your average kid, really. And I'd say I still do but its fading slowly as I age. I used to never lie and would always tell the truth. I'd also feel huge amounts of remorse over the smallest of things. Again I am still like this though it is slowly fading. I would always help people and try to make them feel better, was always giving, always put others needs before my own. And of course this slowly fades as the cruelty of the real worlds shits down on you.
I try to approach everything logically. And this makes it very hard for me to know when and what to do. I never really know how to act in situations. I am always looking for the right answer where as most people act based on how they feel or what their personality is prone to. A lot of times I question whether I should be upset or happy at situations, I ask myself what is the correct feelings to have here? Should I be cool, should I be sad, happy, aggressive, etc. What would "x" person do?
If i had to sum everything up in a progressive timeline of my life using personality disorders I would say I was:
Pure of Heart>Depressed>Avoidant>Narcissist>Beginning to think more like a sociopath but unable to shake prior traits
Anyway now that I wasted an hour bitching and writing this monstrous post of my problems -- I will get to my questions.
It is absolutely imperative for my short term survival that I learn to manage these issues. And while I dont think its ever possible to get rid of them (I am far too fucked now I would think), it seems necassary I adapt sociopathic traits in order to benefit my health, my living situation, and make better decisions.
With that said:
How can I not always have to prove to people am I right when they are wrong? Even when being wrong and shutting up would be a favorable outcome for me?
How can I not take what people say to heart and let it fester and brew until I have thoughts of stringing them up by their throats?
How can I not get angry and let my emotions dictate my actions and responses? How can I bypass emotions to always respond to what will be favorable to me and disregard impulsive action and ego?
How can I grovel, be caring, polite, and show sympathy if it will benefit me? Even though it feels embarrassing, pathetic, weak, and just wrong?
How can I be manipulative? Its not that it feels morally wrong to me, but rather it just feels awkward, embarrassing, weak, and prissy to act loving, show sympathy, or say sappy things.
How can I do these things without shifting back to my default mode when things go bad in life or problems occur? Example: I managed to maintain the charmer/player vibe perfectly for about a year until spinal issues grew worse.
How can I adapt all of these qualities when my life is in the highest state of depression, entropy, disorder, and chaos that its ever been?
I sit in my fathers basement 24/7 because of my current injury, cognitive impairment, and pain. To which they are constantly pissing me off as they try and kick me out on the streets. Manipulating and making them feel guilty for how they treat me would be beneficial for me. However, I get so fucking angry that I blow up at them when they do bad things and then of course any guilt theymight feel is gone. I have far too much anger, pride, and ego to adopt a tactical approach to manipulating them.
How can I become a sociopath and maintain it?
Is it possible to consciously become one?
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