I used pain, and a hatred of myself due to any weakness as motivation forward, to do better...
Really, I was too hard on myself... because there is a lot of failure to absorb along the way, and very often better is only marginally better and not worth the heaps of effort put in...
It's the reason I joined the service, the reason I strung myself to an unobtainable woman and the same reason I'm excited about the upcoming deployment.
Because you want to serve others selflessly, and are humble?
"Since I've been throwing myself into painful experiences, hardening myself in hopes that one day there won't be anything sharp enough to hurt. So far it's worked, after every trial I've noticed my life is just easier."
Throwing yourself into "painful experiences" isn't really the same as being stuck with them. If you made the choice to be in a painful experience in advance, said premeditation numbs the pain more than if it's sprung on you, and it's even more numbing if your experiences have a visible exit. All you're accomplishing I'd argue is numbing yourself.
It'd be hypocritical for me to badmouth that sort of thing, since numbing has helped me time and time again, but I don't find such behaviors to always be healthy. It's good to numb to a certain degree, but become too numb and you may find other things less pleasurable, if not surrendering to a form of nihilistic, feelingless apathy. I'd have written that off as just projection if I hadn't seen it happen to more than just people like myself.
"Living under pressure gets you accustomed to living without peace and rest"
In exchange it becomes harder to accept peace and rest.
Being numb is not being strong, and becoming unable to accept peace and rest will catch up with you. Numbing yourself is not the same as facing something head on, in fact, it's significantly easier. I'd argue you'd come out stronger if you gained experiences without it showing signs of having broken you in some form when compared to walking out of there with pieces of yourself missing.
It's the journey, not the destination. If the journey itself can be harder, then you stand to gain more experience from it if you succeed. Shedding yourself means in some fashion that it won instead of you winning. If you come out from trials completely intact, then it becomes clear that they couldn't break you, couldn't change you, and in the end you gain an endurance of your own nature and character as opposed to it just being raw endurance.
"Being numb is not being strong"
I don't see the difference between the two. I'd imagine being strong requires being numb.
"becoming unable to accept peace and rest will catch up with you"
As headstrong as it sounds, I doubt that. I've been doing this since early adolescence. I've become adjusted, adapted to living like this.
"Numbing yourself is not the same as facing something head on, in fact, it's significantly easier. I'd argue you'd come out stronger if you gained experiences without it showing signs of having broken you in some form when compared to walking out of with pieces of yourself missing."
I disagree with this. I would say the numbness is the finished, hardened product of going through a harsh experience. Comparable to the body builder, who rips and tears his muscles so they regrow stronger and he now is able to do the same workout that ripped him in the first place with minimal to no resistance.
I was told growing up "with every loss, comes a lesson"
Since I've been throwing myself into painful experiences, hardening myself in hopes that one day there won't be anything sharp enough to hurt. So far it's worked, after every trial I've noticed my life is just easier. Living under pressure gets you accustomed to living without peace and rest, whenever the pressure is off I see the world differently. Simple things we all take for granted are now luxury, what was impossible is accomplished and my overall quality of life goes up after I've achieved something other's deem unobtainable.
It's the reason I joined the service, the reason I strung myself to an unobtainable woman and the same reason I'm excited about the upcoming deployment.
So what's at the end, why go through all this? Because one day I hope to be as strong as this man.
You could do exactly what you're doing without trying to dissociate from your emotions, it just means facing pain without allowing it to become easier, letting it remain a challenge of your character. Your sense of self would be empowered, strengthened, as opposed to being seen as a weakness and ripping it away from your core.
It's not worth the damage, and the repair may not even be possible if you become too connected with it. The risk of excess numbness is that, down the line, you're likely to either break into a mess or dissociate entirely, becoming a creature sans motivation at all. Sure you'd have what you want, but you'd possess less of a means of really appreciating it.
When the actions you're doing no longer feel like you're doing anything, suddenly doing nothing can carry the same worth. "Indomitable Will" comes from being stubborn enough to make your vision a reality, not from "transcending" through numbness. If it takes three times as long to become powerful while still remaining yourself by the end of it, I'd say that's the road worth taking over one purely guided by "quick results" alone.
You've changed my view on this subject, numbing might after all be the easy way out.
While I don't fully understand the numbing process, I know taking away the numbness will take time. I really don't have that. I'm going to continue to what I'm doing until I succeed or crash and burn. I'd rather fix all this once I'm wealthy and established, I also have no problem betting on a fluke to get there. This approach has gotten me closer to what I want faster than anything before.
When I see something, when I feel a genuine desire to have it there's nothing that's ever held me back. Usually, the biggest obstacle ends up being myself, other's don't stand a chance. Time after time I've failed, but only to get back up and claim what was mine.
Indomitable will is what lead Khan to expand Mongolia, Hitler to reclaim the Sudetenland, Napoleon to rise into power, Stalin to reign Russia, Ghandi to free his people, Caesar to establish an empire, Bismark to better his lands, Alexander to victory and Washington to freedom from tyranny. While I doubt I'll ever leave a mark as equivalent, i can only imagine they felt the same fire urging them towards success and glory.
"Once I've reached the top, I'll take a break."
You may never find "the top", not from a lack of aptitude or trying, but from it being a vague concept, a self-defined one. From a need to improve or numb, you may ignore potentially dangerous things you're acquiring as a result of it, such as choosing to continue on a broken limb when rest could fix it sooner.
" I don't see the difference between the two. I'd imagine being strong requires being numb."
I used to think the same thing, since that's what helped me reach points of success, but then I saw others able to do it without it changing them. As far as I am concerned the lack of numbing after a challenge shows how strong they are, not how much the challenges broke them showing strength. They still got the experiences and faced them head on, coming out as a stronger version of themselves instead of aspiring to become post traumatic.
Succeeding is one thing, but it's a true test of character to not die a little inside from the challenges you've faced. It takes strength to endure, while numbing is effectively just learning to ignore the pain. Numbing is an easy answer to hard problems, while making who you are stronger while still intact is more of an uphill battle.
"As headstrong as it sounds, I doubt that. I've been doing this since early adolescence. I've become adjusted, adapted to living like this."
It catches up eventually, as people only have so much fuel.
"I disagree with this. I would say the numbness is the finished, hardened product of going through a harsh experience."
So a person who faces trials, comes out more experienced with their personality intact, is not as strong as someone who faced hardship and broke over it?
"Comparable to the body builder, who rips and tears his muscles so they regrow stronger and he now is able to do the same"
It's different with a muscle because muscles don't think, and often people who excessively body build are covering up for former damage that exercise is enabling if not advancing. I see little difference between the hardcore body builder and the anorexic beyond raw power.
Power is not always strength, in fact, it often reflects reflects compensating for a larger weakness. I'd find a moderately built person who has their life together as stronger than a compulsive body builder, even if the body builder could win in a straight out fight.
Deployment ?
From what you have said. You really need to address your sensitivity issues, and your lack of confidence. Before you move forward with this deployment. I take it you are very young ? If so. Maybe this deployment will harden you and teach you the things you are lacking.