I was having a talk with a friend that got me into delving on a fun topic again: How much do you think someone's first loss shapes a person into who they'll eventually become?
In an abstract sense, I think the first loss experienced stops that naive feeling of invincibility, leading to rumination over it and eventually it becoming their first relation to pain in sources of literature, media, and other people. In a sense, the first loss experienced becomes the foundation for how they understand how every other loss is connected to it in some way, and is usually the first real step towards growth of their character. I do think I could be projecting since I fall into that sort of model, and could be unintentionally following confirmation bias patterns when seeking other people's cases.
So, how much of an impact do you think someone's first loss is likely to have compared to future ones? Is it simply the fact that it came first, is how strong it is more important, or is it just a coincidence/isolated case when there happens to be a connection?
My own first loss was the death of a grandparent when I was too little to understand it. Cliche', but hey. I didn't really know her, but I had no idea that death was a thing and even pain I didn't really understand quite right at that point, so I didn't even fear the threat of injuries yet. It showed me the temporary nature of things before I really knew much else even academically, and the series of things that followed make the path fairly predictable when mapping then to now. I tended to be around people who weren't as optimistic, and that likely played a role in furthering my own lack if not me furthering theirs.
Another I knew's first loss was the death of his mother from a single parent household. He didn't really know her too well, but he lost his sense of "Home" from it from constantly being moved around, constantly feeling like a "guest" and never quite settling in. His very being became about finding the means to plant himself and feel at home, but he never really 100% got there no matter how independent and successful he became. That lack of security shaped him in many ways and lead to the sorts of socializing and tactics that he still uses now. Like how he got over the loss of his mother, he faces every problem with preferring to not think about it, even if doing so might present later difficulty.
Another I knew's first loss was her grandmother's capacity for memory. She learned at a young age that it runs rather strongly in the family and that she, too, would likely become that way in time. It had every time she ever had trouble remembering something become a fearful reminder of her belief of the future, and she grew to resent her from her own pain related to it since she also was "blessed" with a long lifespan. Once the related parent began to show the same problems it only grew worse, but that "worse" roots from how powerfully it hit initially, when it hit.
It leaves lasting impressions that shape such interesting stories, explain so many belief's origins. I've collected so many.
Looking at yours, maybe it's more about the first struggle lost than the first loss. Hm.
I don't even remember anything that could be called a "first loss" in the sense that it was some kind of milestone.
There was some strange incongruence in my childhood, tho. My crazy mother's voice was all neuroses and criticism and gloom and doom. Constantly. I mean epic hand wringing about how cursed I was/ we were. My teachers and other caregivers told a different story that was actually quite normal and bland. So I learned to tune out criticism. Sometimes to my detriment.
Big losses like death took months to sink in bc I had become so used to ignoring the nagging mother-voice in my space. It sometimes took months for me to wake up and go "Fuck. My friend is dead. Maybe I should cry or smthg?"
So the continuity in my grief cycles was off. I remember the exhilarating moments more than I remember the losses.
I'm not typical, I know. You'll probably hear from others on this forum who also have unusual ways of processing grief.
Either, anything. It's a topic I've visited on my own multiple times in the past when getting to know people from figuring, it being the first impression of loss, that it would make it a lasting one and that other losses might then have them look upon that prime one as a means of understanding and comparison. It could even affect how they relate to others, in turn affecting the sort of people they'll stick around with and, in turn, become what will influence them further. I'm wondering how much in a sense that the first loss a person experiences might be their most important one or not, and in a dark sense it's having me wonder if crafting someone's first loss could shape them as they'd want them to become.
There's strong life changing losses, but usually that strength is gauged based on the impact of past losses. I'm curious how much of an impact the first loss might carry from lacking a comparison and becoming the beginning of understanding it. It seems like the likely start for a series of chain reactions.
I think it changes the individual significantly, I know my first real loss lead to me holding on to the last person I had left. After she was lost I wouldn't and couldn't accept the reality that it had happened again, which spurred stalking.
In others I'd imagine it would hold similar effects.
Yes. I didn't miss my grandmother when she died just after my 9th birthday. I didn't know her very well.
I respected and liked her. I enjoyed her glamour and her Eva Gabor hairstyle and Jackie O suits, her lovely voice and family singalongs around the piano. But I didn't feel the pain the others seemed to feel when she died.
I did feel a little bad for her when I saw her during the last phase of her illness. She was frail and haggard and losing her hair. She looked like she was in pain. I think somewhere in my childhood mind, I had latched on to smthg one of the adults said about death being a release for her. It didn't take much to convince me back then. I shrugged her off fairly quickly.
All of the appreciation I had for her was at an intellectual level bc I only knew her through others' stories.
Death hits me harder now than it ever did before the age of 25.
First struggle lost? When was that? I think I was about 4. My neighbourhood was full of bullies. Unfortunately, I had to learn how to maim people at an early age.
And yeah, mom's batshit ranting threw off my bullshit filters in that respect. I still sometimes have to give my head a shake to differentiate between harmless nags, mouthy trolls, and people who actually mean to harm me.