Fucking hell son. The last 5 days felt like karma from all the people I made suffer and destroyed decided to unleash it's justice seeking fury upon my innocent poor anus. I've tried from shaman strength rituals to praying to Hercules to give me magic anal spinchter powers and the only thing that increased were my tears and quiet pleas for help caused by the massive log of shit in me that refuses to get out. I had moments where I got on my knees and tried to bargain with the God of Poop for a less harsh and less hellish punishment, which were followed with revolted angry "why me"s. This morning my prayers were partially answered since I almost gave birth to a black child behind my back, which was a pain in the arse, but there's still something stuck in there.
I don't want to go to ER because reasons, give me advice on what to do.