scares me to think I may be a sociopath and the last thing I would want to do is use and hurt the people I tell myself that, I care about. Then there are just times where I find myself doing just that whilst my conscious screams the question "WHY! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS" and my body, my mind can only continue to enjoy seeing torment in the faces of other people. It feels bad to say that seeing someones face go from, the most honestly happy, full of life most cheeful expressions, within seconds shift to fear, pain and agony, disgust and remorse. Like seeing the happiest couple in the world, sure enough good for them, theyre happy together and thats great.. But how great would it be if one of them just died, for no reason right there, blatently and obviously. How beautiful would it be to see the spouses face change and mold to the flow of there mind as it is processes the reality of the situation. One second they were with the love of there life, the next second that same love is now lying on the ground 1ft away from you with a shotgun blast now where there face was.
I dont want to do that, more so i know it would be a dumb fucking idea but god damn wouldnt it just be beautiful. I guess the normal though would be "no thats horrible".. which is why im here. By profile, im a sociopath, but am i really? Does my personality just fit tge profile of a sociopath.. and if it does then wouldnt that, by default just make me a sociopath?
My father was the polebearer at his fathers funeral naturally. Everyone cried during the eulogy and i watched my father ball his eyes out for the very first time in my life (im 20). This is my grandad thats being serviced. I didnt cry, i keept thinking i should be crying because thats the nature of the room at the moment. I keept thinking that, because i wasnt crying i wasnt fitting in. But eeh fuck it. Just a human dying, relative or no it happens everyday.. i never really knew him personally im only here out of respect, i have much better things to do. When can we leave im hungry?
Now i really did want to cry, i definately was sad. But because of the atmosphere not the situation. I felt more obliged to be sad because it blended in, not because i had any emotional ticks that triggered the sadness.
Im the most analytical person i know, im arrogant beyond belief but manage to keep a lid on it because i know that arrogance to the extent that i am is not socially acceptable. Im an asshole by nature but passive by exterior. A coward would be a fitting word now that i think about it more.
Conversations dont feel like conversations, and 90% of the time ive rehearsed conversations in my head before theyve happened. I just have these conversations to myself whatever they may be just to be prepared incase i, against all odds actually do have those same conversations in reality.
Id rather just not talk. Id rather watch and listen. To me, emotion is just a poor supplement for information, i dont want people to have information on me so why give it to them? Instead i just observe, every word, the context, your face, body language, its all me relevant than whatever emotion your putting it through.
My mind is incredibly childish, there are never any true answers just more questions. And any aswer is ridiculous if its not mine.
So im definately no saint. I have twisted ideals, im manipulative as fuck and ive hurt alot of people for my own sick pleasure. I dont want to be this person but im not going to deny my own nature and most of the time i just lose track of trying to better myself because living in my own world can just be so much fun.
The questions i bring to the acclaimed sociopaths of this forum (who are the first people ive ever opened up like this towards) is:
am i a sociopath because i fit the profile? Does my personality make me a sociopath, and how can a personality have a "disorder" if were all meant to be different anyway.
Or am i just a sicko, immature and arrogant, am i craving attention so bad that im here preaching to sociopaths of all people because i know i cant say this shit to the people i see everyday?
one way or another im sure someone here will have some insight. Just so comfused right now aboit myself is all