Maybe you can help me.
My life is like nothing to me. There is a future but no real past. I cant concentrate on things i hate and things i like, its when i put effort in something its not for me but for things i hate or like, there is no me.
My life is hard to explain because its seems like a dream i cant wake up. I am not good at remembering past situations, but if so they seem so unreal and crazy and i try to analyze the situation, but i dont know if i were tricked, or the shit i spend attention to.
Poor divorced parents, both alcoholics, no sisters and brothers. No real contact to other family members, they are all in different countries, i hate them anyway. Sometimes i try really hard to act social and it works but i feel filthy or cant hold my laugh. But if i am concentrate i always get what i want and be charm full as a politician .
I am good at learning things naturally when its necessary for my fun, its easy for me to take control of many people if they are unsure what to do, or i just talk to them they have to do this in a friendly way. I like violence and murder, since i was 2. Playing war all day everyday, where i go the trouble is behind me like a shadow, all my friends broke, they begin to drink, lose money, they love me male or female. Try to get my attention. Its easy to lead an unsure being (like most people are, if there is a weakness there is a energy to gain). When i lose sight, i just drift through the day, wondering next day what i did. But i never regretted anything but sometimes wondering why i did this.
Sometimes there are these trigger situations i cry or just get empty like the universe. Girls like me but somehow i tread them like shit without thinking about it. My first girlfriend died when i had get through some hard years. I was around 10 or 14. I tried to fuck a retarded friend when i was 9. He got caught being naked i his room while i was sitting in a chair grinning myself to death when his parents saw it. I think i never heard of that boy again.
People know my name but not myself. 2 times in psychiatry. 2 times thrown out because bad influence on other patients. I was just helping them cutting their bodies in pieces, i feel bad about this because it was to easy.
I there was the first time i really got close to someone, some nice girl, fall in love to me. I told here when she was my girlfriend i would not love her just "physical love". It ended up she had some new bleeding holes, and a try hard suicide. Everyone knows i was the cause but i just got thrown out. Its like talking to people and they just believe your lies.
But in contrast i cant remember the talking situations. People tell me i said this and that but i dont know it anymore to that day.
If there is this feeling someone wanna fuck with me, i lie or behave impulsive so i dont have to lose energy.
Even if i had some fights i always know my limit when i fight without ambition.
I had never a real consequence, maybe the situations wasn't good enough.
Sometimes i get easily pissed of by someone breathing next to me loudly or talking to me like just stupid talk, or even worse touching me without permission. I just feel the anger inside and putting on a nice smile till i cant fucking hold it anymore and explode. I know this is wrong but i wanna erase things that annoy me. I like listening to music or watching movies or reading books, they calm me down.
Thats why i need concentration, but i dont know how.
Everything i like dies or get broken after a long time, even when i like it. Maybe its just imagination.
I am not bad in school or at working, i am intelligence, but i dont know why some things happen.
I just dont now myself. And tomorrow everything is different.
Can you help me?