Disclaimer: I am undiagnosed. That said, I am NOT stupid, I know I might not be ASPD or BPD. But, as I said, I am not fucking stupid, I am not the jump to conclusions type. I studied both disorders extensively (and still study them, for years now) before even considering them and I believe I my symptoms fit these disorders. That being said, I still know I could be wrong, I am not a doctor, it could be something else entirely, though for the life of me I cannot fathom anything else that fits (I have no doubt I have other co-morbid problems I think these two are the primary cause of my being different/broken/crazy/pick your term). I assure you, I am not one of those ridiculous, obnoxious, moronic asshats who reads a wiki article and then pretends to because it sounds "cool" to be crazy.
I have genuine symptoms, whatever the diagnosis. I am here because I'd like to look for proper advice on making the most of what I'm dealing with, whilst minimizing collateral damage. I'm going to look for it anyway, but it would be better to get more opinions than my own before I do. Of course I am aware that I shouldn't self diagnose, should be seeing someone and most likely taking something, a few somethings, bla bla bla- as helpful and lovely as that would be (or entertaining, at worst) it's not financially responsible to do so right now and not being diagnosed isn't causing me as many problems as wasting that chunk of money would. Also, I believe t this time, maybe always, it might not work because the impulse to mess with the psych would be too great. I am not actually in that big of a mood to get rid of my disorders, just learn to minimize the negatives and take advantage of the perks they offer.
If you feel the need to verify my likelihood of having either of these disorders feel free to ask me anything, I assume the actual Sociopaths among you will be able to tell a "faker" from someone who actually has the same symptoms and therefore, likely, the same disorder.
On to my topic, is there anyone here who has Antisocial Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder? Diagnosed only, please. It probably seems rather hypocritical of me, but I don't fancy a bout of the blind leading the blind...
What is it like for you? Since direct diagnosis isn't an option, I kind of want to compare stories and experiences. In the interest of this, please include as many important details as you can. Things such as your reasoning, real feelings as opposed to what you displayed, anything involving your thought process, emotions, how you work things out, or feel about people, family, jobs, expectations, anything. Basically, I want to compare brains. I know I don't think like ...them.... I need to see if I think like you. Or if I'm some new kind of monster altogether...
So, I suppose... EXHIBIT A: Childhood
First of all, my childhood was a tilt-o-whirl of physical/emotional/mental abuse, neglect, bizarre flashes of an uncanny "normality" and not knowing which was going to happen when. I was the eldest and in charge of the taking care of myself and the other two when we were left home alone -which started when I was nine (they were seven and five). My parents believed in fostering independence by necessity, I guess. In any case, they weren't druggies, or alcoholics, no such excuse. From what I now know, they were just continuing a pattern from their parents, apparently no one told them holding a child against a wall by the neck for a simple accident might cause issues later on. My parents weren't evil, just stupid. Possibly my Dad is Narcissist, my Mom has been diagnosed with Bipolar. In any case, their idea of affection was to buy us things, usually things to keep us out of their hair. As a child I never (and I'm not whining, just giving an example of things I've been told are strange) went to a zoo, had a picnic, went to play with my parents at a park, got read a story, tucked in, went camping, or got help with homework. I did however have every game system between Atari and PS2 (minus Nintendo) and a couple hand-helds. They got us fishing poles and took us fishing once before giving us money to go buy bait and go fishing on our own afterwards. I taught myself how to ride a bike by borrowing a friend's, they'd buy us sports equipment but not show us how to play the games. Once, after riding 6 miles to the beach with our neighbor friend on bikes the three of us all got pulled out in a riptide, I almost drowned and we ended up getting saved by a lifeguard. Our parents passed us riding our bikes home after around 2 miles. We told them what happened and they loaded up our bikes and took our bikes and our friend home. We talked the last four miles, dripping wet, barefoot and covered in sand as punishment. At eleven or so I ran away for two days but gave up and went home when I got hungry and almost got caught stealing- my brothers told me my parents didn't call anyone or look for me. That kind of thing- again, not complaining or whining, I didn't know any better so it seemed normal, to me, at the time anyway. Besides my frustrating symptoms and my general odd-ness I don't particularly 'suffer' from the echoes of my childhood, I don't sit around wishing things had been different, crying myself to sleep etc. I'm just including this for reference.
EXHIBIT B: Abnormality
Just some things I have isolated in my mind, experiences, memories or things I have noticed as being particularly indicative or peculiar from the 'norm'. Make of them what you will.
- When I was little, my version of "house" involved my parents' deaths as a part of the back story. This didn't make me sad, it was just a fact. "Oh, the parents are dead, that is why the children are in charge. Of course."
- I have no aversion to committing murder, as I think if I ever felt the need to do so, it would obviously be justified. The reasons I have never killed anyone: Primarily, no one's death is worth the risk to my freedom. Second, no one has yet been worth the time, planning or effort necessary to get away with the crime. I don't seem to hate people for any length of time. I can get mad, extremely mad, but generally it twists itself into a revenge impulse instead, and death is a piss-poor revenge.
- Whenever people are later than expected I have a peculiar habit of imagining that they died en route. I've done this since I was little, though I don't remember when exactly it started or why. It never involves me becoming sad, but rather I get frustrated at the inconvenience and begin working out a contingency plan. For my parents it was figuring out how to live without them, with a non-essential person it usually just extends to how am I going to get home etc.
- I don't mourn. I have had relatives and friends die and I don't "mourn" like others do. I don't get sad
- I have more feelings towards animals and fictional characters than I do or ever have for real people. I can get pulled into a sad story, even cry over the misfortunes or misery of a character. I love my pet dog, I would be sad if he died somehow and have cried over previous pets. That stupid Sarah Mc Lachlan ASPCA commercial kills me. But I laughed when I heard about a bouncy house flying off into the air with children in it. I study serial killers and their crimes with no feelings for their victims. I look at crime scene photos, etc. Death, sadness, suffering often don't bother me. I can empathize with animals but not people, basically. Though:
- I seem to have a weird sadistic side that can "turn off" the empathy and actually scares me a little bit. As a kid (all of these happened before I was 13) I used to do things like cut up live lizards and bury small animals alive in RISK piece boxes, rip the legs off of a crab and throw the body into a creek. I took our pet puppies and tossed them in a creek I knew had alligators in it.. I told my brother I forgot and that I had just wanted to see them swim, but I think I was either trying to lure gators in to see the up close, or possibly even see one of the puppies get eaten. My dad found a Ball Python one weekend while fishing and he brought it home as a pet. I was captivated when I learned it ate animals alive and I always insisted on being the one to feed it. I saw the movie The Abyss after and somehow that translated to me taking one of the rats, a bucket of water and a cage and repeatedly dunking the rat under to see it struggle. When it bit me while trying to escape I got mad, at it, and drowned it. I knew I'd get in trouble so I tried to stage an accidental drowning in the rat cage, but for some reason I decided it would be more realistic if it had tried to escape the water and died on the edge- so I stuck it in the water bowl with it's legs in and one leg, and it's head out. I distinctly remember that when my mom said "if it drowned on it's own it's head would be in the water" being mad at her lack of imagination, but consciously tried to remember how to stage it properly for future reference.
EXHIBIT C: The Paradox
I don't care what people think of me, at the same time, people believing something about me that is not true pisses me off. I can't stand being misrepresented, but I don't care about what. (IE: I don't care if people think I am a degenerate, perverted, insane, evil monster- but I get pissed off when I get accused of being a misogynist.) I think most people are absolute morons, and I have seen little to dissuade me of this notion but I don't hate people. Unfairness pisses me off. Everything goes through the logic filter. I can feel bad about things, I can feel guilt. But it has to pass my standards of what deserves guilt, which aren't as wide or varied as others'.
I don't feel guilt for stealing if I need something. If I hurt someone, I can pretend to feel bad, but most often I just feel annoyed that I have to deal with their reaction to being hurt. The sound of crying grates my nerves, I don't feel bad for people who cause their own problems.I battle between using my emotions to get what I want, and my stupid BPD hijacking them off on some random, unexpected tangent. I am a masterful diplomat, I know how to read people, how to say what and when, I can keep my emotions divested from whatever I am doing if I need to, if they show up at all- and then I turn into a five year old throwing a temper tantrum because I couldn't get that thing I was told I would. It's tedious at best.I knew about the BPD before I was honest enough with myself to figure out the ASPD. I think for a long time it was important for my ego to think I was a "good" person. Clearly I've been in denial, and to be perfectly honest, ever since I "became aware" of the ASPD, I've been getting better control over things. It's like the Sociopath took the wheel. Even when my BPD flares up, I am bale to shut it up faster and easier. But the ASPD stuff has been getting stronger, I think because I'm more aware of the farce. When it was just the BPD and no sense of identity, I went through the motions, and I felt weird which I thought was me feeling bad because I was broken, and I wanted to be normal. Now I know that I never actually felt bad, I just felt annoyed at the need to fake feeling bad- and now I don't feel bad, or weird, at all, and I'm even better at faking it.I've gone on in a big enough block, I think. Hopefully it wasn't so long that no one will bother with it. Again, if you have any questions, or anyone wants any clarification, feel free to ask and I'll answer to the best of my ability.