I was trying to figure things out and you helped me alot. Don't try to understand my borderline tests, I just needed to figure things out about myself. That's why I talked about alot of the things I did, and to be honest, I think I have this figured out.
Things are better for me now. It's interesting, I've been learning alot about how other people view me. The more I do, less I think I'm the one with the problem. If I return, I'll be a bit more honest this time around. I'm pretty busy, and have gone onto other forums. I didn't think I'd be missed, except for by Mirage. Who I'd get into shitthrowing matches with. ;)
In the end, I still don't think I have BPD like the docs used to think (I'm no longer diagnosed that, but they keep trying other personality disorders). Honestly, I'm not as emotional as the BPDs I know, and for being BPD, I spend an awful lot of time alone not concerned about abandonment. Then again, maybe I've just overcome this? I think I know why I was overanalyzing now though, I was basically doing so to figure out others and what my problems were relating to others.
One of the things you guys helped me to see, is that there's no point in bothering. I also stopped analyzing my emotions so much, do I not have a right to be extremely emotional at some times? And an emotionless void at others? Does that mean I have a disorder? Or just how society thinks?
I'll stop pretending to be alters now. I just wanted to be a pain. That's one of the things BPDs and ASPDs have in common, they like to push buttons. :)
I don't know that I should say I have BPD though, since I no longer have the diagnosis. I'm happy to just have Bipolar as a diagnosis. It works for me. It's better than having the stigmas associated with the personality disorders.
And to be honest, trying to learn and analyze and understand and care for all my emotions just made me sicker. Made me feel worse than I really did. That's why I combatted the diagnosis in the first place, so they'd leave me alone and help me with what I needed help with. My interactions with others. So the treatment was useless, and if I applied some of it, I'd be back at square one, where I do shit that pisses people off and then who'd be to blame? Me, not the person giving the advice.
Not to be ironic, I strongly suspect my therapist was asking questions to test if I had NPD and ASPD. My new one also thinks my personality sucks. She's not a bad one, but needless to say, I think I avoided both. Besides, what I'm dealing with has less to do with my insecurities than shifting moods. Now I'm rambling....