I hate posting online like this. all this talk of how wicked we are is just public masterbation. "oh look at me I'm the big bad wolf" is no different than "oh look at me I'm a special snowflake and my sociopath boyfriend was mean to me".
But right now I'm pissed. You know the rage, that white hot fuel that seethes beneath your skin. Not the red kind, not the heat. This is cold, and there's nothing I can do about it right now.
See, my functionally retarded (IMO) roommate is generally bitchy and resentful that I have a vagina and don't offer him access to it. I never flaunted. I don't get off on that kind of torment. He snapped on me the other night and beat me bloody. I look like an SVU victim. Technically I would be. Part of me feels like one. Part of me would like to become forever uninteresting to the opposite sex to avoid ever being overpowered like that again He is not a strong man, he sits on the couch and plays video games. He smells like he has a yeast infection. And he knocked me around like I was made out of paper. I stood no chance. I don't even remember how I got away.
Knowing that the only thing stopping me from manipulating, from lying, from hurting others, is my own code of 'for the greater good', knowing that I am fearless, has always given me a sense of invincibility I didn't even know I had until it was gone. The fact that my mind may be invincible, but my body is most certainly not is ... difficult, right now. I clearly cannot defend myself, physically. This means I'll have to rely on others. This is also difficult.
I am struggling with how to come to terms with the fragility of my body.