in other words what persona do you portray? details? And what way does that persona benefit you?
Apparently, I look like a nutcase escaped from a mental hospital (to others). No expression or wrong expression-situation display, I'm blunt and I stare, I do things that are not socially acceptable (or are uncomfortable, I guess, like picking on my scars with my nails, scratching my limbs, my chest, my neck and my head, shifting a lot, bursting into conversations with myself, overall saying things that in my mind sound right but to them are offensive) and... I kinda sorta ignore them, unintentionally.
You see, I have some autistic fits in class that seem antisocial or schizo. Can't really help it. :-)
It benefits me because they leave me alone (most of the time), but I don't like the whispers in the hallways about me showing up with a shotgun and blowing up heads. Makes me want to do it.
I use a variety of what I refer to as masks or personas. People at work refer to me by my birth name. I've come to realize that the persona I use at work perfectly suits that name. People perceive it as confident, intellectual, open-minded and kind. At home and in relationships my guard is lowered slightly and my laziness and lack of empathy show more readily. With people I actually consider close to me I go by my middle name, the name my parents refer to me as. There is also another much more confident persona that I use with people I consider to be under my control. In that persona I will appear to be dominant, smooth and unflinching. It as close to my true self as I get without revealing too much about my inner thoughts. These personas can be interchanged or mixed together depending on what situation I am in and what I want to achieve. Each persona persists because they benefit me in some way. I find that feigning weakness can work just as well as appearing confident. I'll often get things offered to me when I show vulnerability. What I show just depends on what I want to accomplish.
I'm told I'm different things to different people. Sometimes extreme opposites. Sometimes, people percieve things in clusters. I've noticed a few different ones:
- Naive and or just plain dumb. The overoptimist who is too trusting and sometimes too caring and overbearing. Childlike to an extreme. And these people who think this usually find me really hyper, loud and annoying. Sometimes, they think I'm not confident.
- A natural born leader with a tendacy to want to control. Told I get under peoples skin and know how to find out what makes them tick. They tend to think I'm plotting and scheming sometimes, I'm just too cute and adorable and charming to not be.
- A human being who has strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. Is intelligent and logical, but genuine and caring. This is the reasonable impression, and usually one I give off to people who are intelligent. Usually people I get along fine with. I agree with this view.
I've been told that I come across as a friendly, funny guy. Coworkers have often described me in similar positive terms, but are confused when I show no desire to socialize with them outside the workplace. They mistake my mask for a desire to be their friend. People have also been surprised when I'm having an off day and am not trying to be "nice", or when I'm forced to take charge of a chaotic situation and drop the mask a bit. They say I'm cold then, sometimes mean, confrontational.
It is work to pretend to care about people for long periods of time, and it puts strain on me mentally. After hours of it, I feel raw. On edge. The me I perceive as the "real me" starts to show through.
I am the most awesome god damn person to walk in the door. My swagger is impeccable and I have an aura of pure joy and overwhelming charisma. They say i have the most dashing good looks, and my smile makes them warm and fuzzy like a snuggie. I have been told, "Jesus ain't got shit on you", "You're more fly than superman", and "I'd fuck you under these stairs right now if I didn't have to shit so bad".
So yeah...I'm pretty fucking awesome ;)
I've been told that I come across as a friendly, funny guy. Coworkers have often described me in similar positive terms, but are confused when I show no desire to socialize with them outside the workplace. They mistake my mask for a desire to be their friend. People have also been surprised when I'm having an off day and am not trying to be "nice", or when I'm forced to take charge of a chaotic situation and drop the mask a bit. They say I'm cold then, sometimes mean, confrontational.
It is work to pretend to care about people for long periods of time, and it puts strain on me mentally. After hours of it, I feel raw. On edge. The me I perceive as the "real me" starts to show through.
That's the same experience I have. They expect me to join them outside of work in their activities. I have no desire to. Only my mask "cares" about them. However, it has been easy to work around it if I use the right excuses. I have to use them sometimes for those that are especially needy. If I have a lot to get out of them I do occasionally join them in something of my choosing. What has been most advantageous to me are the free lunches that I keep getting from everyone. I have to laugh when I think that I have never bought them lunch or contributed anything to anyone at my office. I keep wondering if they will ever realize how little I actually do for them.
I also start to show my true self when I am tired. I never reveal myself completely, but I do start to show much more of my callousness.