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Type confusion.


Posts: 5

Doing some self-analysis. Assuming I'm ordinary, but want an unbiased opinion as I am averse to relying purely on self-diagnosis (if at all). Definitely not a sociopath, possible narcissistic tendencies. Experiences with sexually violent bullying and chronic dissociation since early childhood. Attended mental health services from thirteen to twenty, psychotherapist theorised I was BPD but decided against this, tests leant towards schizotypal tendencies, online and official alike. Institutionalised twice based on overwhelming dissociative symptoms. INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) type 4 (Individualist) with a 5th type wing (Skeptic), EII (Ethical-Intuitive Intratim)-1Ne. Personality shifts three times a year. Consistent personality traits however include feelings of superiority and a lot of magical thinking (not always acted upon, rather deeply analysed and stored away).

November to January: Hyper-sensitive to social situations - smallest perceived criticism of self, or perceived shift in mood in a person or group sends me over the edge into self-harm (a kind of hyper-empathy?). An intense need for validation. Relationships at their most intense (I become somewhat of a psychic vampire at this time). Socialising is petrifying. Decisions based almost entirely on emotion.

February to May: Little or no empathy, little or no emotion - predominantly boredom. Gives way to impulsive unprotected sexual activity with strangers. Near-complete self-distancing from close relationships. I become dissociated from aspects of my identity (political beliefs, being transgender, etc) and see them as just parts of the artifice that is me - not in a bad way, in a fun way, as though I'm creating this huge lie, and enjoying it. Socialising is enjoyable, but experienced entirely as a game, as though people are pawns, and based on the evidence I review I am very good at manipulating and perpetuating charisma and confidence (same with the rest of the year, but the inner dynamic within myself changes). Up until two years ago I would around this time convince people of ridiculous lies in order to entertain myself, I no longer do this (but will often fantasise ones anyway and decide against them out of laziness). Decisions based almost entirely on logic. 

June to September/October: At highest functioning, a mixture of the previous two. Mental health the best it can be depending on the year.

Again, I'm assuming I'm ordinary enough, simply with an introverted disposition and schizotypal - or rather, "eccentric" (how I hate that term!) - tendencies. Given the timeline it may be that I just have some symptoms of seasonal affectual disorder. Fascinating forum by the way, and sorry for the essay.

Posts: 431
Type confusion.

What are you hoping to achieve with your self analysis, if anything?

Posts: 5
Type confusion.

Right now I'm at the stage (as I mentioned above) where I dissociate from a lot aspects of my identity - this is my time to "recuperate", to "edit", and "add" and/or "take away" aspects of my personality. The more I can learn about myself from the outside, the more I can construct my illusion further, which at this time of the year I find rather fun: building this character that is apparently "me".

Posts: 431
Type confusion.

And who do you want to become this time?

Posts: 1231
Type confusion.

Hmm...

Tough nut to crack if you ask me.

My best guess is that you are a human.

Posts: 5
Type confusion.

Ideally this supernatural being that can control events and minds with one's thoughts (magical thinking alert), but logically I know and accept that as a falsehood (as much as I project that onto my actions during this time). I suppose it's just practical: I don't like socialising, but very much feel the need to assert an aura of superiority - not by my attitude, which I calculate to come across as shy and modest, but by my achievements, my opinions, and my appearance. This way, by constructing a personality, I don't have to be as terrified of social situations. I assume everyone does this to some degree, I'm just unsure as to which realm my disposition shifts - to the narcissistic (which I dislike, and would change my personality to suit another type if someone were to verify it for me), or simply the introvert (despite being mistaken for an extrovert, as INFJS often are). It's to keep up appearances so I can get along, and achieve my goals, which (alas) requires interacting with other people.

Posts: 5
Type confusion.

That is what I guessed and hoped! :)

Posts: 2829
Type confusion.

Wow this sounds remarkably like someone I have known for a number of years. To be on the other end, witnessing such behavior is frustrating to say the least but more than anything it's just heartbreaking to see someone go through seasons. I understand if you don't want to answer any questions but I'm going to ask just in case.

Do you have PTSD? Are you on any medication? Are you in a stressful line of work?

Posts: 5
Type confusion.

I don't mind questions, I'd just prefer not to be too specific for anonymity's sake.

 

I do not have PTSD. I developed dissociative symptoms following some incidences in my childhood that I have long since worked through. Now dissociation is a coping mechanism my mind employs with high levels of stress. I was briefly on lexapro, a very mild anti-depressant, but decided against using it after it seemed to accentuate the dissociation. I am currently in college, but it is quite stressfup for a variety of reasons.

Posts: 1386
Type confusion.

Being that I only understood 1/4 of what you said. I would suggest that you speak to our psychology guru......Daddy

He speaks your language.

10 / 16 posts
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