schizophrenic traits.
I have delusions. Specifically with social aspects, but delusions are present in a lot of my life & how I view the world. I will assume someone genuinely doesn't like me yet the truth may be the opposite. Vice Versa as well, I sometimes think I am well liked or favorable to someone, yet they feel completely another way.
I'm up and down with depression. Some weeks are better than other.
I have extreme social anxiety, yet have an ability to letting nobody realize I am nervous. I have panic attacks in my head, with nobody the wiser.
A new and recent symptom that started about a year and a half ago, anorexia. At my lowest depression point, I was bulimic for a few weeks, stopped then decided to stop eating, or eat as least often as possible. It became a sick sadistic game of control. Lets see how long I can wait until my next snack or meal. I read and became very active in pro-anorexia sites. I am now at a plateau of 110lbs. My lowest weight was 98lbs. Its now getting harder and harder to put on weight, but I don't skipping eating everyday, & I'm trying to be constantly aware of it.
Let me state, I'm not anorexic because I think I'm fat. I'm actually dealing more with body issues, now than ever. I know I'm not fat, and I have always been aware I'm slender/skinny, even as a kid. I use anorexia first as a way of suicide, and then as a way of seeking attention.
I do talk to myself. Constantly. It will be me on both ends of the conversation, but the same me but different personalities(like good vs. evil). Sometimes I will have conversations with others, or worse 2 individuals having their own conversation. Its hard to explain. They are short conversations and are constantly ever-changing between people and topics. I don't hear or see things, but they save about 40% of schizophrenics don't hear things or have hallucinations.
I'm a compulsive list maker. Anything and everything you can think of. The only thing in common with all the lists are they are always directly pertaining to my life or past life. So in a way random list, yet not random because they have to do with myself. Making list relaxes me. It helps a lot when I have an anxiety attack. I will sit there for hours coming up with things to write and list off. examples of some past topics just to give an idea: places to visit in future, career possibilities, past pets, future kids names, places to live in future, people I want to kill, to-do list for that day, grocery list, makeup collection list. I admit while some seem realistic, the majority of them come from delusional thoughts.
Extreme social withdrawal. I have never been socially accepted or popular but I tried a lot more to gain friends prior to high school. I have had a lot of social issues throughout my life amongst my peers. Always felt like the odd one out, either intellectually or physically.
I can easily isolate myself and lose all motivation for things my surrounding. No motivation to live, to work, to do anything.
I'm quite often suicidal. Only once have I attempted suicide. I was 17 at the time. I tried with an overdose of pills. I passed out for 28 hours, in my own bed, & when I woke up nobody was the wiser. They assumed I had chosen to stay on my room and was just sleeping when they would come in and check on me. It was actually brilliant. I felt like I cheated death and I didn't have to admit to anyone I was suicidal. I have been homicidal a few times in life. Once my mother, and another time, my ex-boyfriend's sister.
I pace a lot. Especially when deep in thought. I pace and lose touch with reality. Sometimes I will not notice large lengths of time that go by. Its also very hard for me to focus on one thing for an extended period of time.
I hate bright lights. I prefer to be in dim light at all time. I do however like sunlight, but bright artificial light bothers me. I also am very hypersensitive. I don't like being touched or rubbed nor do I like repetitive sounds(tapping foot or pencil). It bothers me so much to be touched, even by accident.
I suffer from dermatillomania (the act of picking at skin or scabs). I focus on my back but I happens on my legs and face as well. Mostly pimples or bug bites. I just keep piking at them until they completely heal. Most of my scabs last 1-2 months even longer before closing completely. I've had this since I was very young. Might have to do with the fact that my mother was a cocaine abuser until I was 5, and I distinctly remember watching her pick at her face all the time when she was high.
There are other symptoms but the ones listed are the most intense and prevalent throughout my day to day life. Another note, I have a family history on my mother's side of family(at least 3 people with psychiatric problems, including my mother) and I had a very traumatic childhood involving many sexual, drug, and violent related experiences. I feel like I fit nowhere. What symptoms do I have in common with others or how do I compare?