Hey everyone,
I guess typical forum rules means I need to be berated for a bit before finding acceptance. I'm also looking for a bit of guidance along the way, so here it goes:
I met a guy in Dubai who that I fell head over heels for. We used to do a lot of fucked up shit like punch each other for black eyes, drunk joy ride cars and crash them, swim naked in the Arabian sea... essentially anything two young gay dudes should not be doing in a conservative muslim country. We were pretty good friends, but he wasn't really interested in me that way It drove me nuts.
After I moved to South East Asia, we kept in touch. We had some silly fight, but it was informative. He laid it out for me. I was a liar, manipulative, utilitarian, hurtful, an emotional terrorist... I enjoyed making him feel like shit. I saw his rejection as almost like a game of conquest (which eventually I won). I then realized that I do act this way towards all my "friends" and actually have none as a result of it. I found that I changed a lot of myself in order to "win" the competition I set out for myself.
While I do ascribe myself to certain aspects of sociopathy, (and yah, I steal, cheat, manipulate, and don't seem to have a moral compass) sometimes I do get bits of emotions. I'm wondering if there are different layers of sociopathy... much like the Kinsey scale but for sociopaths? Maybe there is no answer to this, but I suppose it's more of a "now what?" kind of post. Am I one in the first place? How can I better integrate if so (make my masks flawless)? Any advice and tips would be great.
I'm 25, if that makes any difference.
I'm also okay with being a sociopath, if that is the case.
