Dear,
I saw your picture on a website where you stand talking with both of your hands held up gesturing in front of you, an identity tag hanging from your neck with a red ribbon.
I'm writing this because I also know a story about a little girl with a belly ache who was given all kinds of remedies to make the pain go away, but none helped, and she kept crying. Then they put her in a room by herself, in order not to hear her cry.
I'm convinced that was the moment that little girl became convinced true love does not exist. It hardened her heart, and decided from then on not to allow any loving emotion entrance anymore. Only reason, used to survive and maybe even to take revenge on all those hypocrites who pretended to love genuinely, unselfishly.
I had a different experience when I was still so little that I was sitting on one of those high child chairs with a hole in the wooden seat and a potty under it. (No throw away diapers yet in those days.)
My mother had place a plate of porridge in front of me, and left me alone for a moment to get sugar from the kitchen. With both my little hands held flat I slammed as hard as I could in the plate. Porridge everywhere.
I remember wondering "Is she going to get angry at me -maybe even punish me- to make me feel guilty and too afraid to do it again, in order for her not to have to deal with this hassles? Or is she still going to be loving to me?"
These thought were not so much in words as I did not know how to speak yet, but the idea was there.
With my little hard beating fast in anticipation I heard her come back from the kitchen.
"Oh my little darling boy, you're full of porridge. Let me clean you" she said -or that is what I felt- and off she went to the kitchen again to get a wet napkin. Coming back again she lovingly cleaned me, and after that the table and floor.
I felt a tremendous relief, and happily thought -or the idea was there- "Thank God true unselfish love exists!" I was elated. This might be the first event in my life I remember. It happened some 65 years ago I think (I'm 67 now).
This event has had a profound influence on me for the rest of my life.
This also has convinced me that all children at some point test the parent or parents -or caretaker(s)- and make up their minds about whether genuine altruistic love exists or not. And that if the test come out negative -loveless- they might turn into sociopaths.
I see some sociopathy in just about everyone, in degrees, popping up at different times. It's just that it is more pronounced and constant it seems in some among us. Just as empaths can have their cold selfish moments too, sometimes very much so.
I also know from experience that deep down our true being has a Love and Compassion so great no description can ever do it justice. That by appearing here in these human disguises and identifying with them we have all given up a Joy, a Happiness, a Pleasure, that nothing in this world can even be compared to. But that is another story. It has been symbolized in the symbolic tale of a God coming to earth appearing as a man a long time ago, knowing beforehand that he would be falsely accused, tortured, and killed, but going ahead with incarnating anyway, with the plan in mind that it would eventually make countless beings perfectly happy forever.
It's about us. That God is our true being, our real Identity, and compared to what we gave up by coming here this existence is like a crucifixion and death in hell. But we knew beforehand that sooner or later we would begin to remember this, and then for billions of beings the big party would begin: the enjoyment of the knowledge that in truth they are the One who was willing to go through this, for no other reason than to make other beings just as happy as we were -as God- before they existed. You are that One, reading this now in human disguise, one of those "other beings" for whom you were willing to give your Life.
I see a little girl with a very painful belly ache. I think she still has it, even though she might not be aware of it. She had to suppress it.
Maybe it will turn into labor pain; a new awareness wanting to be born, a new being coming to light. In the mind of one who suffered the coldness of the dark lonely night for so long.