I thought I was aromantic and asexual for a while. My therapist doesn't think I'm a sociopath, but I don't say a lot about how I really feel. My parents say I can be manipulative...maybe a little, but I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm also not a cold person. HOWEVER, I have had many issues romantically. Romantically, I've had what MIGHT have been very short-lasting "love", if you'd even call it that. I've been considering if I'm grey-romantic, although more and more I seem to just not feel it, which sucks because so many people fall for me. It's like I can never return it, and I WANT to date, but it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if it's just because I don't feel it, or what. I do think that's part of it, though, and it's definitely overwhelming.
I dated a guy when I was 13...first boyfriend, Daniel...I didn't like kissing him at all, but I cared deeply for him, and really enjoyed doing things with him. When we broke up, he turned on me, and made fun of me, and was horrible, but I still really cared about him and missed him...I dated Evan when I was 17. He was so much fun to be around. I may have loved him, because I wanted to marry him...but even with him, I didn't want sex, or like to cuddle...maybe I liked brief cuddling in the beginning, though. I dated Ray when I was 21. I really felt great and energized around him in the beginning, and cared about him a lot, but I didn't want to cuddle, nor have sex, and I disliked kissing. We did "play" a bit, but it was only okay. All the rest were entirely platonic, and I actually wanted them literally away from me. I have always had a "yes" problem, as I've described it. In other words, I always seem to agree to date people...even if I don't feel that way about them. I've cheated on all of the people I have dated, except for Daniel and Patrick. I broke up with Daniel because another guy, Patrick, asked me out. I didn't like Patrick, though, and I don't know why I went out with him. Evan was perhaps the only one who broke up with me. With Ray, it was mutual, although my motive was that I wasn't interested anymore, and wanted to date someone else. Sometimes I regret it, but it wouldn't have worked out. I think I miss people, but I'm not certain I really love them. Sometimes relationships (for me) "fade" extremely quickly...even in a few days, the "feelings" I have will vanish. I used to wonder why I can't be monogamous, nor polyamorous, and felt bad about it.
I also have a strong, "I don't give a shit" attitude. I usually hide this really well, but I've been called heartless with how I have treated animals in the past. People think I care a lot, but I don't really feel empathy. I am selfish, and prefer to talk about myself. I also feel attachment, not empathy. The weird thing is, I think I was a bit more empathetic as a young child. In fact, I was an empath and got overwhelmed by emptions as a young child. I don't feel them anymore.
To sum it up, these are the traits that make me wonder:
-Not giving a shit
-Not caring when animals die
-Less emotion than most when people die
-Selfishness
-Not especially nice to animals
-Inability to fall in love
-Can't understand mourning very well
-Wanting to talk about myself more than others
And I may unconsciously manipulate people, but never to harm them.
Thoughts?