Sociopath Community

Hi this is Parker.

Firstly let me explain a few things from where I am, which is on my knees begging for your and the forum members forgiveness. What am I begging forgiveness for?
I am begging you to forgive me for my unbelievable ignorance of the correct protocols, manners, and methods of communication, as well as humor on your forum.
I am a stupid fucking moron.
What I am about to tell you is how we got to this point from entirely my perspective and entirely openly and honestly as I have been in every single post and email I have made to you and on the forum.
So let me start the story, and when I am finished you will have to choose to decide how the story ends(or if it dosen't).

I am an undiagnosed sociopath and I also suffer from severe ADHD. Earlier this year I read a book that would change my life forever. Your book.

Reading through the book I was astonished, amazed, and to be honest a little bit scared. Here was someone from another country, of a different sex, with a completely different upbringing and religious belief's to me, who was also the only person I had ever encountered in my entire life who saw the world in a similiar way to me, thought in a similiar way to me, and had had similiar experiences to me.
If what you wrote in the book was true, you had given me the most important gift that any person in the world can give another: you made me feel like I was not alone, and you gave me hope.

I do not post on forums online, and I only use the internet for news and information. I had done no research into sociopathy beyond scientific theory and psychology/psychiatry. Needless to say I did not know how sociopaths communicated, their humor, manners and protocol, etc.
I was however amazed at your bravery in writing the book in the open and as honest way as you did.
You see, in my opinion lying, manipulation, and playing games are the most simple and basic things that any sociopath or normal person can do. It is not hard. The hardest thing a sociopath can do is be completely open and honest.
I admired you greatly for that and decided I would post on the forum openly and honestly like you.
This is where I made my incredibly monumental moronic fucking error.

You see, I did not read through the forum to see how people interacted and communicated with each other before I posted.

All I saw was the sign on the door which said Sociopathworld and made logical but INCREDIBLY STUPID assumptions about the site. You see, I assumed that everyone on the site 1.Thought like me 2.Was being honest and LITERAL in everything they said 3.Understood my sense of humor and playfulness.
After all only someone who is absolutely CRAZY would go to a place full of alleged sociopaths and then insult and taunt them, knowing full well that they could be smarter, crazier, and more evil than anything you could imagine.
I am not THAT stupid.
So I turned up on the site assuming that everyone on the site would think and communicate like me, because I viewed the site as the one place in the world where I could be open and honest about my self and my sense of humor without fear of hurting or offending anyone because everyone on there was like me and would behave like me.
Fucking ridiculous or what?
Again everything I posted was literally what it seemed, if I talked about myself I MEANT myself, if I talked about a friend I MEANT a RL friend, if I said I was listening or liked music or had seen a concert I REALLY WAS/DID/HAD. I was not playing games, or being clever, or talking in opposites.
So I posted my first post and was immediately hit by Loki. I was not angry at he or she or you(not 100% sure maybe Luna- Fuck I'm lost) but I was annoyed at what I perceived as bad manners. So knowing nothing about Loki except his avatar and username and the style he addressed me with, I replied with what I thought was a humorous lighthearted riposte that he would hopefully appreciate for it's wit. I had no idea at all who anyone on the site was ALL. Things went on and eventually due to my personal life I stopped posting on the site.
Then recently I received an email from you personally inviting me back to the site. It was months after I had first emailed you, and a new site had been built but I assumed you were incredibly busy and had not had time to reply. I was flattered that you actually asked me to come to the new site and I did. So on returning to the new site I took up where I had left off, joking with other members, and having conversations. I began a long conversation with Emilyngihiem who on first glance at the forum userlist I assumed was a 42 year old fucking crazy sociopath and very dangerous, any sociopath who posted under their real identity must be fucking MAD. After getting into a protracted debate with her though, I began to realize that she was not what she appeared to be, and after doing some investigation discovered there were other people online with the same name. This annoyed me and concerned me, because she obviously did not care about her own safety in RL if she was real, and if she was not real she was putting other people in RL with the same name name in danger.
Here is where I made my second big mistake: i posted details about the other Emily in a thread in an attempt to warn her or whoever that if a harmless idiot like me could find it potentially someone else could.
From this point on I started to gradually become aware of the patterns and methods of communication between each thread and socks and puppets. Before this point I just assumed that the socks were alteregos and it was a guessing game. I didn't realize that a puppet was someone being manipulated by socks and other users.
At this point I was struggling to understand what was going on and began to drive myself mad so I attempted to leave the forum.
But people did not believe my apologies or understand, and I had to try to explain myself somehow....
And that brings us to here.

So Boy reads Girls book, Boy meets people and speaks in a foreign language and insults and scares them for what seems like no reason and potentially causes the first forum to be shut down.
Girl contacts Boy, Boy comes back and proceeds to do the same thing all over again still not understanding or comprehending the damage, pain and fear he is causing in the people he only wants to have an honest intelligent conversation with more than anything in the world.
I am a fucking idiot.

So here we are.
I came to the site not looking for love, or sex, or games, or manipulation, or anything like that.
I came to the site because you inspired me, helped me accept and come to terms with who I am, and made me want to help you do what you wrote the book to do: help people like us be the best we can be.
I came to the site to talk to the only people in the world who would not judge me or view me as a monster, people like me.
I would never in a million years willfully hurt physically, emotionally, or mentally you or anyone else on the forum. It would be like killing myself or my family I would never even CONSIDER it.

This is why this is so painful for me. If I am right I have done incredible harm to all of you, and what makes it WORSE is that I did not even realize. If I am wrong then just consider me a fucking idiot anyway.

You may still think I am playing a game or being evil or fucking crazy but I assure you I am not.

Read through all my emails and posts again if you have backups and view them through the pointofview of this email.

I truly hope you and the rest of the forum can believe me.

You see, the person you have started mentioning in hints on the blog(first name Y) IS NOT ME.

I do not want him or his family and friends to be targeted or harmed for something he is completely oblivious of and has NOTHING to do with.

I am not a narcissist, or anything other than what I appear to be in my posts/emails.

I don't get jealous, or angry, or irrational. I have no problem with being wrong and made fun of and I would never harm anyone except to save my life or my family or friends. I know and accept who I am and what I am, and my only aim is to help others like me to find the relative peace I have found.

The hypothetical question you ask in the last chapter of your book IS NOT hypothetical for me, I have resposibilities that I take VERY seriously. Everything I have posted is not a joke, or mirroring, or a game. It is what I truly think, feel, and believe.

I am the very last person anyone would EVER suspect of being what I am.
When I tryed to broach the subject with my psych in a roundabout way he laughed at me and told me there was no way I could ever have ASPD as I cared too much!!!

So now we come to your choice.

The way I see it you have three:

1. Continue trying to expose and hurt(physically/emotionally or mentally) innocents and or/me and my friends and family to get revenge for the way I UNINTENTIONALLY and ACCIDENTALLY hurt, exposed and scared you and everyone else on the forum. If it was just me I would not mind, but everyone else has done nothing wrong. Also by hurting me you actually hurt them more.
And if you hurt me I will be unable to take care of my responsibilities to my parents and my ___ so this is not an option I would prefer, but your choice.

2.Believe everything I am saying and forgive me. Teach me through this private email how to communicate with you, and others on the forum SAFELY and without giving offence in YOUR language so that I never make such ridiculous rookie fucking mistakes EVER again.

3.And now I am going to offer you the chance to completely and utterly get your revenge/satisfaction/vengeance/closure etc on me for what I have done to you and the forum if you still don't believe me, or if you DO believe me and think I am a ridiculous joke and disappointment and still want to hurt me for the hell of it.

The ultimate way to hurt me FOREVER is simple:

Never respond to this email. I will never know if you believe me, or forgive me, or will hurt me or expose me now or in the future. I will have lost the one place where I can truly be myself and have honest intelligent conversation with people like me. And I will have lost the one person in the world who truly understands and accepts me for who I am out of the entire world, the way I do to every normal person I meet. I will have lost the one person who inspired me to come to this website and this forum and to better myself in the first place. YOU.
Just to show I have no ego:
You win I lose. You have completely and utterly destroyed me. I grovel at your feet. You are the King/Queen I am your pawn. You may sacrifice me if you wish.(If you think I am playing games or whatever reverse it until you are satisfied.)

I would like to leave you with an original poem I wrote when I was 14 and first started exploring what I was(pathetic I know but anyway here goes):

She Wakes

Sunlight, showering golden through glass
Wakes me, and I look down upon a tranquil face
Her pain erased by refuge in dreams
Softly, daring, I touch her hair
Silk flows dark through my fingers
An indrawn breath, And she wakes
Her face turns towards mine,
And I, knowing the power in her gaze,
Look away....

I see you as you really are. You see me as I really am.

I AM NOT LOOKING AWAY. I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AWAY.

I am so so sorry. Please forgive me. If you can't or don't believe me I understand.

Love to you and everyone on the forum

Regards Parker