Please let my know how and why you consider these questions vitally important.
But to answer.
Have you ever timed yourself taking a shit?
No i have not, this has no purpose
Do you ever turn around and look at the color of it to make sure you're healthy?
I don't take shits behind me, I take them down in the toilet. I have looked down at times and have many different shades of shits. Which I'm sure you'd like to smear all over yourself.
Have you ever wanted to fuck your neighbor's dog?
No. Not my neighbor's dog, but my cousins dog was kinda cute...
And finally, what do you do for a living?
For a living I live. What do you do?