I know very, very little about my past or current self and I will not deny that.
I used to think I knew myself fairly well. I have often analyzed what I have done and compared and contrasted my efforts against what I have achieved and made modifications to improve next time. I always improve. So I'm always changing. I always knew all the things I did which I figured were not necessarily what everyone else did. I know that many of them were wrong. I didn't know that some of them were so different as to be very wrong, and no one seemed to notice or care at the time anyway. I also know that some of my thoughts probably are not right, like when driving if someone cuts me off or makes a lane change in front of me without signalling my immediate reaction is to want to kill them. I don't even change lanes for those slow bastards who are so unsure about merging onto the freeway and they end up breaking at the last minute anyway. What I did not know is what society calls me, not until very recently. So now I'm a little confused about who I really am. I've always felt like two people: the angry me, and the other me. I'm not even sure that the emotions I do feel are what others feel, and I know I'm missing some, but I have no idea what they are, and I don't think I want to feel them. Some emotions that I have felt are fucking awful and I hope to never feel them again. Last year I went for coffee with a girl, it was just a casual meet up, and was later rejected, and I haven't felt that way since highschool, and it felt awful. It reminded me of things I wanted to do when I used to get that feeling. I threw out all my highschool year books when I got home and tried to put that whole period of my life behind me, permanently. But it's when I'm forced to be around people that is the hardest. I can fit in whenever and wherever I need to, but lately I'm just not making much of an effort anymore. And historically I've always acted differently in different groups of people. Its something I'm used to: I put on a character for a family dinner party, I put on a character for my sister, I put on a character for work, etc.. So who I am really depends on who I'm around, and if I'm mostly alone like I have been this year, am I who I am now?