I am in love with a man I suspect is a sociopath. He is definitely a narcissist and possibly a sociopath too. When I say "I love him", I genuinely mean it - as in I love the essence of him not his false image.
I see through his traits and admire how he manipulates people (including me), how emotionally contained he is and how he can produce amazing charisma on tap.
I think I have BPD - hence we are a good fit. His emotional remoteness keeps me interested and keeps me chasing him. My obsessive limerent love towards him inclines me to worship him - which keeps him coming back to me I think.
I have gone out of my way to conceal my true emotional involvement from him. He has made me cry numerous times but I have never shown this in front of him. He's good at reading people so am sure knows on some level how I feel.
The result is an on going "relationship" of sorts - in the widest sense of that word. I have been seeing him for 3 years but periodically - ie. he calls me once every month or so and we go on a date.
I know most people would say walk away - but I really enjoy it, oddly including the drama and the pain. It's like a perfect game that keeps me interested in him.
Two questions:
1. Is there any way to encourage him to see me more often? (other than get a bf who is better than him to spark his competitive spirit).
2. I recognise that he sees me as "not weak" - probably why this has lasted so long.
What is the best way to balance being "not weak" (ie. standing up to him and maintaining boundaries) with avoiding a devaluation and raging?
For example, saying "I will be there for you unconditionally, but I expect you to respect me and not [fill in blank of disrespectful behaviour]" whilst on the one hand could appear strong; could equally provoke a rage. Is the secret to be coldlly unemotional and be prepared to walk: as in "I don't care; don't do this if you want to see me; fine if you want to, but I will walk away"? Or is it pointless?