Mom found my tumblr full of pics of drugs I scored
Okay, what's the motivation for doing that?
I see others doing it and it looks fucking retarded. Even taking pictures of food has more appeal, and that's a fucking awful trend too.
and thinks I should go to rehab for a long time
we gonna meet with therapist who’s been wanting to talk to them but I’ve been avoiding it
probablt so she can say I need treatment
just like every other therapist has done
Why do you figure your entire environment figures you need help?
brcause the people around me can see more blatantly that I’m not okay. That know me well and see me everyday.
And the therapists hear the words coming out of my mouth. which I guess sound pretty bad. and they just knee jerk reaction go “residential treatment!”
When they hear talk about suicide and drugs
jts pretty obvious to them I have a drug problem and it’s obvious to my parents I know for a fact that I’m severely depressed
snd they also know the nature of my history with suicide attempts so it’s not taken lightly
I’m not at a crisis point in the way I was a long time ago or rock bottom or anything but I could still be at a turning point in the life in other ways I guess
You mention the words heroin or suicide and everyone sounds the alarms
guys I’m fine seriously
You get angry when people don't take your risk factor seriously, now you're mad that people are taking your risk factor seriously?
Which do you want?
That’s what I mean, it’s just complicated because I have depression I don’t really believe treatment will help I will just wish I was dead or high the entire time
And that’s the bottom line like that never changes but
the depression doesn’t just “go away” and it would be amazing if treatment worked... which it’s possible but the depression is very persistent and comes back stronger and stronger
I’m not mad that they’re concerned I’m just , frustrated I can’t voice him opinion to them that treatment while it’s a very nice offer, may not solve things
I’ve already been in treatment I’ve done meds Ive done so much therapy and personal work and yafayadahshahaaha the list goes on and on
I just wish someone would listen to me I guess and understand not just knee jerk like react emotionally or over react to it
like I can’t say I’m suicidal without them locking me up
ya know. And if that were the case I would never leave residential.
Cuz the therapist is like do you still wanna die? And I would be like honestly yes. And they’d say “okay ur staying another month then” and it would just never end lol
at a certain point we have to move past that into a different approach because it’s clearly a bit more serious or difficult to deal with than a simple 90 day program
people think you go in and you come out a whole new fuckin person and truth is like yeah I’ve learned a lot that’s helped me be more functional but
if I can’t sit in front of a therapist and say yeah I wanna use, I’m an addict and I want to use, yes I’m depressed and I’m suicidal, yes I want to die-
then what’s the point of paying them
I need a program that will like change my neurochemistry at this point and uh... hm. Idk if DBT would work but something as affective ideally. And uh, a lot of NA I guess?
I don’t know like all I have to go on is neuroplasticity that’s my only hope realistically. But as far as being an addict that’s for life unless I go on vivotrol methadone or suboxone/subutex or wellbutrin which idk if that would even help because it goes deeper than chemical addiction there is a huge psychological component to it
which I have yet to work out because every time I talk about it idk therapists are terrified of OD’s and suicides and they just tell me to call a fucking hot line and go to meetings and that’s a) not getting to the heart of the matter and b) not solving anything at all