Mom found my tumblr full of pics of drugs I scored and the music I was posting about wanting to kill myself
and thinks I should go to rehab for a long time
we gonna meet with therapist who’s been wanting to talk to them but I’ve been avoiding it
probablt so she can say I need treatment
just like every other therapist has done
Ugh
Mom found my tumblr full of pics of drugs I scored
Okay, what's the motivation for doing that?
I see others doing it and it looks fucking retarded. Even taking pictures of food has more appeal, and that's a fucking awful trend too.
and thinks I should go to rehab for a long time
we gonna meet with therapist who’s been wanting to talk to them but I’ve been avoiding it
probablt so she can say I need treatment
just like every other therapist has done
Ugh
Why do you figure your entire environment figures you need help?
You mention the words heroin or suicide and everyone sounds the alarms
guys I’m fine seriously
You get angry when people don't take your risk factor seriously, now you're mad that people are taking your risk factor seriously?
Which do you want?
Mom found my tumblr full of pics of drugs I scored
Okay, what's the motivation for doing that?
I see others doing it and it looks fucking retarded. Even taking pictures of food has more appeal, and that's a fucking awful trend too.and thinks I should go to rehab for a long time
we gonna meet with therapist who’s been wanting to talk to them but I’ve been avoiding it
probablt so she can say I need treatment
just like every other therapist has done
Ugh
Why do you figure your entire environment figures you need help?
brcause the people around me can see more blatantly that I’m not okay. That know me well and see me everyday.
And the therapists hear the words coming out of my mouth. which I guess sound pretty bad. and they just knee jerk reaction go “residential treatment!”
When they hear talk about suicide and drugs
jts pretty obvious to them I have a drug problem and it’s obvious to my parents I know for a fact that I’m severely depressed
snd they also know the nature of my history with suicide attempts so it’s not taken lightly
I’m not at a crisis point in the way I was a long time ago or rock bottom or anything but I could still be at a turning point in the life in other ways I guess
You mention the words heroin or suicide and everyone sounds the alarms
guys I’m fine seriously
You get angry when people don't take your risk factor seriously, now you're mad that people are taking your risk factor seriously?
Which do you want?
That’s what I mean, it’s just complicated because I have depression I don’t really believe treatment will help I will just wish I was dead or high the entire time
And that’s the bottom line like that never changes but
the depression doesn’t just “go away” and it would be amazing if treatment worked... which it’s possible but the depression is very persistent and comes back stronger and stronger
I’m not mad that they’re concerned I’m just , frustrated I can’t voice him opinion to them that treatment while it’s a very nice offer, may not solve things
I’ve already been in treatment I’ve done meds Ive done so much therapy and personal work and yafayadahshahaaha the list goes on and on
I just wish someone would listen to me I guess and understand not just knee jerk like react emotionally or over react to it
like I can’t say I’m suicidal without them locking me up
ya know. And if that were the case I would never leave residential.
Cuz the therapist is like do you still wanna die? And I would be like honestly yes. And they’d say “okay ur staying another month then” and it would just never end lol
at a certain point we have to move past that into a different approach because it’s clearly a bit more serious or difficult to deal with than a simple 90 day program
people think you go in and you come out a whole new fuckin person and truth is like yeah I’ve learned a lot that’s helped me be more functional but
if I can’t sit in front of a therapist and say yeah I wanna use, I’m an addict and I want to use, yes I’m depressed and I’m suicidal, yes I want to die-
then what’s the point of paying them
I need a program that will like change my neurochemistry at this point and uh... hm. Idk if DBT would work but something as affective ideally. And uh, a lot of NA I guess?
I don’t know like all I have to go on is neuroplasticity that’s my only hope realistically. But as far as being an addict that’s for life unless I go on vivotrol methadone or suboxone/subutex or wellbutrin which idk if that would even help because it goes deeper than chemical addiction there is a huge psychological component to it
which I have yet to work out because every time I talk about it idk therapists are terrified of OD’s and suicides and they just tell me to call a fucking hot line and go to meetings and that’s a) not getting to the heart of the matter and b) not solving anything at all
but yeah who knows treatment continuing it could uh really help me who knows it could really change me or be a part of the formula that helps me like get more well
but uh or... it could not work who knows
im not resisting it im just explaining like, my thought process and perspective
a doctor may have a very diff perspective ya know
we've tried a lot of perspectives and the psychiatric approach is to hospitalize me a lot so lol
but yeah uh, the place im in isn't a super bad crisis or anything this is just how I am like
this is *better* than I was three years ago far far better, better than I could of ever imagined I could ever ever be
so I just got content with that but continued therapy for various specific reasons and uh
I have made progress in the last year even, surprisingly on things I never thought I would figure out so
who knows I may continue to figure things out and get better ya know?
but its a slow rolling process and if I can't be honest in the chair about wanting to use or suicide then I don't know if it would fully work..
but yeah ,maybe they're right maybe I do need treatment ya know as ive been typing all this I realize maybe that is the way to go ya know
and then build my life from there when I get out to be more structured and well suited to deal with the fact I am prone to depression and relapse and things like this
I mean that's what ive been trying to do but yeah,
they have to accept the reality of getting better Is you do bad sometimes while getting better.
and uh.... maybe my "better" isn't perfect, like they envision...
at some point we have to accept I'm a little fucked up right.. like, if you saw, my life three years ago and lived in my shoes you would def agree, you.... you a lil fucked up aight
ptsd, that shit is ... gonna be honest, fucks u up but.
that doesn't mean like living life is impossible it just makes it way harder and miserable and to cope with that I need a place where I can be honest and say "man, I think about killing myself everyday" without them sounding the alarms and locking me in a psych ward with a dude that talks to himself as my room mate.
