I’m too in love with my boyfriend to let a misunderstanding potentially come between us and also his recovery
I read the messages because I was concerned he was going to leave rehab (my mom and his mom were working me up getting me worried)
and it’s a long story but basically I think I just misinterpreted it and also didn’t take into account how old the messages were
and if he still loves her which he probably does a bit, I get it
sometimes we still have love in our hearts for people forever but it doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship with them
and I’m glad I had the space and time in Chicago to really think about it before I could react
to realize like I can’t live without him is how I feel so
like I love him that much that I don’t even care if other people’s suspicions about him are true I just want to trust and believe him so I am cuz I love him and I don’t care if it all turns out to be
not real
I think it is... and uh... yeah I just don’t care what anyone else says
they talked me into thinking he was manipulating and lying to me when reallt it was them that was... because they don’t want me to be with him cuz they judged him
and don’t understand
when he says he loves me he means it and I think I am what he wants in his life right now and who he wants to be with like and that’s always his choice
and I’m here for him for that always
amd should that path change in the future, I don’t mind
because the time we have together is just such ecstacy like
I know if we parted ways one day it’d be really dark and depressing but
why anticipate that happening when it hasn’t yet
and if you believe it’s inevitable why not enjoy it and savor the time you have
What I’m saying is I love him enough not to need to feel secure in a harjnteed forever or a garunteed “you’re the only one I’ve ever loved” bull shit
it’s just all about the moment and what makes us happy and what we want
should that change for either of us I am willing to accept that and know I can handle it should it happen
life happens but
I’m not going to cut this short just because I’m afraid or insecure over some girl he once thought he was all about
he said since he met me that changed and you know I believe him
i think that though she is a lovable person she wasn’t what he needed exactly in this moment and thafs why you know he asked me on a date In the first place
he wasn’t getting something he needed and that happens and yeah I’m rambling
basixallj I love him too much to let some petty misunderstanding of me reading some messages which I shouldn’t of let my mom tempt me into reading lol (I’m normal against going through people shit but I did because I was concerned he had left the rehab to use and would OD or go to people that were basically sexually abusing him for drugs or just all sorts of horrible shit ran through my head and I got scared)
but yeah he called me and we talked and when I heard his voice i just suddenly felt peace and realized like he’s not lying and manipulating me he’s telling the truth and my parents are getting me worked up over nothing
and that it was actually all going to be ok
so yeah he’s fine he detoxed and is going to sober living tomorrow (I’m going to be taking him there) where he will be for thirty days minimum, they set him up with a job and has to go to meetings pretty much around the clock and lives there on the facility, subject to drug testing and
I wanna make sure he gets a good therapist and doctor well set up there
i can’t imagine being away for thirty more days as just this week was hell every single day and night being without him
But he’s getting clean and focusing on his own recovery right now which is like the priority but dear god
that’s going to be a hard fuckin 30 days I mean obvi I will visit like every weekend but
we became very codependent and attached at the hip doing every single thing together supporting each other so it’s just feeling very very weird without him here by my side
but yeah I can focus on getting my own head straight too and continue my own therapy and IOP and life stuff
cuz yeah we do need to learn to be independent people and I think he has a lot of shit to sort out himself that is going to take years honestly and I’m glad he’s on this path and I want to support him on it even as it gets difficult as fuck
I know how it goes
he is where I was about three four years ago
so I feel like I can help him a long his way at least little tid bids of insight here and there to complement his own findings as he goes along his own journey
I know things are best learned the hard way so it’s important he figures it out on his own and I think when he starts working and starts hitting those clean date marks hes really going to blossom and smile and be so happy with himself and feel accomplished
his self esteem seems so damaged right now from being ashamed of what he’s been doing you know so I just can’t wait to see him get the help he needs to straighten up and he genuinely is wanting it so
that’s awesome... I couldn’t of asked for a more lovely,
amazjng person in my life, regardless of if his heart is mine or not, this isn’t about possession
it’s just about appreciation and enjoying the person he is
that’s all
and I’m good with that and I think he is too
so yeah... tomorrow... taking him to part two of recovery
I want to stay with him but he needs to do this you know... on his own for a bit. Work hard. Make new friends. Focus.
I think that’s the right thing to do.
his mother will want to visit him anyway so I will be giving her rides likely every weekend
she has cancer and I don’t think this kind of drive would be easy to make for her
two hours there two hours back
so yeah we can go visit him together
before he went into rehab he said he would never stop taking addersll or nicotine but they’ve totally detoxed him off everhtninggg he’s clean as a whistle right now
so let’s see what he says now if he still wants those two things hah
he sounds so different but In a food way like the tone of voice and the way he speaks I love it so much. Like the way he is totally sober is the best sound idk I can just hear it in his voice
there was a peace about him now
where as before he was like hopped the fuck up or barred out all the time and no inbetween he wasn’t quite totally himself you know, a slightly altered version.
and a lot of nervousness and drug seeking...
siber him... something about it just clicks. I like it the best. I told him this before he went in so he would know... he wouldn’t lose me for changing.
I hope tomorrow after I drop him off isn’t the last time I see him and I will hope that every time I see him
but I’m choosing to just live in the moment and not try to like... freak out about it but just living with the hope, there will be at least one more day.
day by day. And hey who knows maybe a few years could go by and he could want me in his life still or hey maybe we could part ways
I will still always have love in my heart for who he is no matter what happens
ifs crazy but high risk high reward
and love is crazy as fuck
and a bit blind
it’s not fearlessness but just choosing to not value the fear as much
todwh I went to church with my Chicago fam and we talked about what were we afraid of... what were we willing to die for...
and Most people said their kids
you know like what thing in life were they put here on this earth to do
and I closed my eyes and reflected on it for a minute and I think I was out here just to love and accept people as they are whoever comes across my path to help them along theirs
but especially addicts
idk why but I just feel like I’m meant to help addicts so
that was an interesting reflection and I think I would be content working in a field involving that or a hobby etc involving that like service
