Sociopath Community

After eight hours of battling anxiety and dissociation :) 

*without meds to assist* (i was trying to be stubborn and see if i could get through it without) 

(like i still been taking my regular psych med but, no benzo/benzo alternative to assist with panic attacks or meds for dissociation like I’ve taken to make it easier in the past.. as i was prescribed) 

but yeah.... eight.... hours ya’ll... 

*face palm* 

and I’m finally feeling normal. 

I fell asleep twice during this process because i was so weak and exhausted from shaking and just it’s very mentally and physically draining, like you just after a certain point get pushed to like your emotional wits end and can’t keep it together anymore and become easily weepy and weary, and your body is just so.... fatigued and weak i don’t know how to explain it.

but yeah after like three hours of it i passed out just.. couldn’t lift my head up anymore or my hands.. to like play on my phone or whatever 

was still feeling really sick (anxiety can cause nausea sometimes.... no it wasn’t something i ate or lack of eating etc. i know this feeling in combo with these symptoms its always, just anxiety) 

to a point i wanted to vomit (thats the norm for me in these situations) 

but of course I’m trying to not get to that point so it’s very overwhelming battling that physically like, trying to keep it down. Literally. And your mind... it gets away from you. Hard to explain. 

But it’s like dislocating your shoulder but, your brain is dislocated and you feel like your floating off into space a bit like someone clipped the chord that was tying you to the space station and you’re like oh shit lol 

and you can see it all getting further and further away and its just a very scary thing not being about to snap back with it and come back into reality and just be grounded in it 

if sticking a fork in a light socket meant i could stop it immediately, all of the anxiety and panic and dissociation. I would. 

That’s how unbearable it can get. This wasn’t even a severe episode, I’ve seen much much worse but. 

This was just an *average* moment for me. AKA this happens rather often. 

From ptsd triggers. 

So yeah... it’s a constant fight.. like you don’t just do one little breathing exercise and you’re fine. It’s incredibly difficult to focus, your mind is like, flashing everything and thoughts are racing and you can’t stop them really 

so you’re meditating and focusing on a grounding exercise but it’s not working because in the forefront of that your brain is still like basically grilling you. Like an interrogator flashing, emotionally sensitive or panic inducing images and thoughts rapidly at you like, one after another in rapid succession. 

And you just want to make it stop and get control back but, it’s not that simple. You have to keep trying. Though your body is wanting to tense up and hyperventilate and shake and you’re in pain. 

You have to consciously resist that because succumbing to it makes it worse. 

So it’s a fight. And like I said, draining. The first three hours I passed out. Then I woke up unfortunately (I dont’ know why) but I woke up not doing well still. Sometimes this happens... if I fall asleep in a panic attack, oh- no no no.... you can’t just get out of it that easily no sir... no ma’am. You wake up and it’s like, 

“HELLOOOO BITCHES, YOU FORGET ABOUT ME?>?” Panic attack is still going.

You just lost consciousness for a while from exhaustion but hellooooo I’m back, ready for round 2?? :P 

And 3-6 more hours of, bull shit. Dislocated brain and vomiting and meditating over and over and over. Doing the same exercise. Walking through the same grounding techniques in your head over, and over, and over. 80 times.

And finally it began to dissipate a bit, and i started watching some youtube videos, because the panic had died down for a minute. Significantly muted, the volume was turned down. 

I got a break essentially. And I was like okay... i can breathe lol... but my brain was still very foggy and dislocated 

i also was dizzy during this whole thing and out of balance to a point i felt like i was goign to fall over 

So yeah i was still disoriented af and dissociating from reality mentally a bit which.... the more you ponder on that.... the panic can increase from that, especially if you’d tart to wander around in reality like, going outside and.. just the more you look at reality the worse the panic gets because you’re just so fucked up and you know it and it’s terrifying 

it induces panic for me 

so yeah i was like trying to *not* think about that, and so i just stared at my phone at youtube videos and tried something calming.... they started talking about a trigger and I’m like nOPE and then i started watching videos by Jordan lipscombe and for whatever reason that grounded me 

so i was at like 45 percent fine (on panic scale) and like 75 percent dissociated, and then watched her videos for a minute and like.... after that i was feeling more normal again. 

So yeah.... that’s annoying. The dizziness, the nausea, all of it. Panic, dissociation. Shaking. Stomach discomfort. It’s all gone. 

Just like that I’m like a normal person again.... So strange.

All of this.... because of one, simple trigger.

like i said, not even as bad as it gets, seen much worse. This is just a normal thing, *with* my psych meds. (But without as needed meds, just my regular daily med) 

without my regular med, its this x100 its... actually hell lol

so yeah :) without meds I’d be fucked and if i lived in a different time where meds didn’t exist i would of definitely suicided by now

hahah so thank god for that, honestly. Like, i always say this. But I’m so grateful for them.

Anyways.............. *sigh* lol

It’s like living your life in a salt shaker and every now and then someone just comes and turns everything upside down and shakes you up

 And there is no escape lol 

You have the same problem as Good. You don't even want to convey anything to the people here.

You could've just asked for grounding exercises, because you want to give up pills. Jogging. Do jogging every day. That's my advice. Whenever you feel like eating a pill, go jogging instead. It helps to break your pattern, take your mind off things, and replace your habits.