the real reason i am suicidal

10 / 16 posts

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on 10/30/2019

Posts: 6443

fine i will just admit the truth. I'm happy Sam is talking to me but im suicidal because of how mean he is to people. i am codependent, and that means i take on other peoples thoughts and feelings and perceptions on as well as my own, sometimes so much so that they overtake my own. the person im idealizing the most is the person who i primarily take on the thoughts and perceptions of. Sam's happen to be super negative and toxic, and its making me depressed and suicidal

I know that people say that you should only get emotionally invested in another person "romantically"/lovingly if they are already how you want them to be, and you shouldnt try to change people. Well i am in love with him for the way he is but he is so fucking toxic

if there is any wishful thinking going on between me and him, its not that I wish he would love me more because frankly I dont even care how he truly feels about me, i love him regardless of how he feels towards me positive or negative. but I do wish for him to stop being so toxic negative and mean, to everyone not just me and i dont know if 1)he can change and become a less toxic person or 2)if he will

and until he does, I am stuck taking on loads of toxic energy because i can't stop loving him. and this is why i am suicidal. im stuck and i dont feel like there is anything i can do. my wellbeing basically depends on him becoming a less toxic person, basically for me

and idk if that will happen. this wish of mine for him to change, especially for me alone because he definitely would have no incentive to if not for me, is possibly delusional and im aware of it and its adding to my suicidalness because i feel stuck

last edit on 10/30/2019 9:46:14 AM

by aubrieta

on 10/30/2019

Posts: 6443

i kind of want to free myself from it but i dont know how anymore. every time i want to leave him emotionally i dont have anywhere to turn that is stable and doesnt leave me feeling empty and bored and alone

by Bossroach

on 10/30/2019

Posts: 1937

dont kys ur adorable and ily

2:48Spatial Mind The guy was sticking his dick in an infants mouth, it was so fucking disturbing

by aubrieta

on 10/30/2019

Posts: 6443

Bossroach said:
dont kys ur adorable and ily

thx jim<3

by Blanc

on 10/30/2019

Posts: 9418

aubrieta said:
i kind of want to free myself from it but i dont know how anymore. every time i want to leave him emotionally i dont have anywhere to turn that is stable and doesnt leave me feeling empty and bored and alone

i think this is the root of the problem for you

basically you have to find that within yourself. there are a ton of work books out there to help you work on finding this, i would start with a self worth packet if you can find one, dialectical behavioral therapy notebook maybe. if you have trauma, i recommend the c-ptsd book from surviving to thriving by pete walker.

you can always book with a therapist near you and ask for materials to help you work on finding this grounded part of you, and to work on it with you. this is the key to,... finding an inner peace that will take you off of the path of repetitious compulsive behaviors that are unhealthy whatever they may be- like, codependency and toxic relationships.

it's a really positive and fun thing doing work on yourself and it feels really good so i highly recommend you take this sort of "rock bottom" time to be something kind for yourself.

by aubrieta

on 10/30/2019

Posts: 6443

Blanc said:
aubrieta said:
i kind of want to free myself from it but i dont know how anymore. every time i want to leave him emotionally i dont have anywhere to turn that is stable and doesnt leave me feeling empty and bored and alone
i think this is the root of the problem for you

basically you have to find that within yourself. there are a ton of work books out there to help you work on finding this, i would start with a self worth packet if you can find one, dialectical behavioral therapy notebook maybe. if you have trauma, i recommend the c-ptsd book from surviving to thriving by pete walker.

you can always book with a therapist near you and ask for materials to help you work on finding this grounded part of you, and to work on it with you. this is the key to,... finding an inner peace that will take you off of the path of repetitious compulsive behaviors that are unhealthy whatever they may be- like, codependency and toxic relationships.

it's a really positive and fun thing doing work on yourself and it feels really good so i highly recommend you take this sort of "rock bottom" time to be something kind for yourself.

I already have i will never not be codependent tho its something i learned about myself

by aubrieta

on 10/30/2019

Posts: 6443

the sad thing is that people calling Sam "toxic" in his mind probably translates to "Not brainwashed by the illuminati Jews propaganda" so idk if anything i say can truly break through to him

jk lol i dont actually think hes that retarded although sometimes i wonder. im 99% sure he just trolls for attention and doesnt truly believe any of the retarded shit he claims to believe but idk (aka- he believes it only becaise it benefits him not because he actually believes it?) god i hope so. otherwise im in love with a retard and i really will have to off myself lol

last edit on 10/30/2019 10:38:34 AM

by Turncoat

on 10/30/2019

Posts: 33395

If you're stuck absorbing the feelings of other people, sometimes to the point of making those feelings into your own as you're putting it... doesn't that make trolling them a form of self-harm?

Ę̵̚x̸͎̾i̴͚̽s̵̻͐t̷͐ͅe̷̯͠n̴̤̚t̵̻̅i̵͉̿a̴̮͊l̵͍̂ ̴̹̕D̵̤̀e̸͓͂t̵̢͂e̴͕̓c̸̗̄t̴̗̿ï̶̪v̷̲̍é̵͔

last edit on 10/30/2019 11:48:52 AM

by Turncoat

on 10/30/2019

Posts: 33395

Blanc said:
aubrieta said:
i kind of want to free myself from it but i dont know how anymore. every time i want to leave him emotionally i dont have anywhere to turn that is stable and doesnt leave me feeling empty and bored and alone
i think this is the root of the problem for you

She's stated that being with someone who's shitty allows her to transfer all insults thrown at her to him.

Her entire first paragraph is her attempting to externalize her pain as if it were rooting from another instead of self-inflicted.

Ę̵̚x̸͎̾i̴͚̽s̵̻͐t̷͐ͅe̷̯͠n̴̤̚t̵̻̅i̵͉̿a̴̮͊l̵͍̂ ̴̹̕D̵̤̀e̸͓͂t̵̢͂e̴͕̓c̸̗̄t̴̗̿ï̶̪v̷̲̍é̵͔

by aubrieta

on 10/30/2019

Posts: 6443

Turncoat said:
If you're stuck absorbing the feelings of other people, sometimes to the point of making those feelings into your own as you're putting it... doesn't that make trolling them a form of self-harm?

Yes, sometimes

other times it is boredom relief and other times it is very fun and enjoyable

last edit on 10/30/2019 12:10:10 PM

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the real reason i am suicidal