Two posts in, and you derail your only thread that has had promise in weeks.
"Thread is about heroin"
"Hahaha this song is like dr00gz"
Yeah- psychedelics are the king of drugs.
My love to Caroline; I'm sorry blanc couldn't make you a decent thread .
Drugs are fucking disgusting
All drugs?
this guy is pretty woke
but I just wanted to say, like... YES.
at the introductory bit about... pharmaceuticals..
I do not *physically* uNDERSTAND. How people can be prescribed something considered highly addictive in my book, and literally just take it for a short while after a surgery or whatever
and just be totally fucking fine after that and they can just stop.
once I start on that train, it's *extremely* hard for me to get off. Like, once I take that one pill, I go spiraling down the tubes.
Become extremely addicted. Well genuinely want that drug more than anything and will obsess over it and do anything for it.
And not even wanting to be an addict or wanting to do drugs, not *wanting* to be this way. But it just happens to me.
That's one of my fears is I'll end up needing a surgery and have to go on a pain medication, I know for a fact I can't do that. I just, I can't take these kind of drugs and then be okay afterward, it puts me sooooo many steps backwards and just makes me lose my head completely.
Just like some people can drink on occasion and others, drink and can't stop. Or will do it too often, habitually. Or will use it to medicate.
Like, I just can't *touch* these kind of substances. Not even a little bit. Or I'm done for. It's like falling off a cliff for me as soon as I take one beer or one pill.
I don't understand, I can't comprehend how people are able to take these kind of things and not abuse them or become addicted and dependent.
I'm not physiologically or neurologically capable of just taking these type of things casually, I'm just not. I can't comprehend it. Like I said. Like it just blows my mind lol I not understand it one bit.
everyones like "yeah girls!! lets have wine!!! #girlsnightttt"
or "I'm just having a glass of wine / a beer while watching tv to wind down!"
or "I just did MDMA at a rave once for a festival... that was fun!"
meanwhile,
I literally cannot stop.
I got in a car wreck and they send me home with pills right, all kind of prescriptions. It hurt to breath or move, or shower. And I still didn't take those pills no matter how much pain I was in because I know once I finish that bottle I'm going to want another one.
And the pain of fighting that, is literally harder than being sore for a while physically.
the mental hell is like, much much worse of, retrieving yourself from that point where you're fighting off, addiction essentially.
I think I was born with it I don't know. it's just how I am.
I go to a wedding and there's drinks all around. everyone else, has one drink. I tell myself, I too- will have one little small drink.
then, I finish my friends and pour myself another. and when the party's over, I'm still going.
and sneak out of the hotel I'm staying in with beers in my coat, just to sit on the beach in the dark alone and finishing them off.
and I pass out in bed that night when I sneak back in, with a beer by my head that I was drinking while falling asleep.
why do I do that?? why? it's not like I was even an alcoholic at this time.
I just have a substance abuse problem like, and there was no "off" switch. like, there was nothing in my brain telling me, this isn't normal to go to bed with a beer in your hand or to sneak out just to have some more without anyone watching you drink them down as fast as you can.
and why did I have this incessant need to get drunk?
absolutely no reason.
it's not like there was anything particularly worrying me or on my mind that night I wanted to escape from.
I was preferclty fine, had no problems, was happy. had lots of friends around too, to keep me entertained. its not like I was bored or, depressed or anxious, or upset.
nothing, could of been wrong.
I was in an ideal place and time in life really, nothing could of been more fine.
and yet I still couldn't put the bottle down.
I just couldn't stop, wanting more.
if I let myself think it's okay to have a glass of wine while watching tv like most women do, I would never fucking stop and I'd be drinking it by the bottle.
I'd become a habitual alcoholic so fucking fast. so fucking fast.
so I can't let myself do that.
and I've learned the hard way the rule of going out and socially having "just one drink" or even being around it or holding it is a no no for me.
because I just can't resist.
and if I have one, I'll never see the end of it and, I'll really regret that decision to just have 'one'
it always ends up being, a lot more than one.
I've tried and failed at that many many times. I just can't do it.
once when I was in the hospital they sent me home with a bottle of anxiety pills after one day, my mom took me there for throwing up. the way it all happened seemed unusual and dramatic and she thought I was having a heart problem.
but it turns out it was just a panic attack according to the doctor. and so he sent me home with this shit.
I told myself, I told my mom, "I don't need those that's too much."
and I told myself. I was, decided. I would not, go pick those up from that pharmacy. the prescription he wrote me.
and yet. I did.
And I took them. just to see what it would feel like.
and I enjoyed it, and took more. even though all it did to me was zonk me out.
I took more. and I told myself, "ok no more."
but I didn't flush them, instead I just hid them away.
thinking I could forget about it.
I didn't, and wound up just, finishing the bottle.
this has happened on many occasions. that I've been prescribed various things I didn't think I would need, told myself I wouldn't even take.
And wound up, finishing the bottle.
"just one more time."
"just one more time."
"just one more time."
every single night.
and then I was finally prescribed klonopin which really just did me in honestly. that set me back so bad when they gave me that shit.
I had been clean for a long time.... I don't now why they gave me this shit.
I mean, I was having panic attacks, sure.
but slowly but surely the addiction just crept back in on me so quickly, quicker than you think.
you think, "I'll make it stop this time, once the addiction starts coming around. I'll nip it in the bud, I'll kick it before it gets to me like that. just for a day. just for three days. just for two weeks."
just one a day... okay... two a day..
okay... three is fine.
maybe, I need to double the dose now... tolerance is shit. just for like this week only, just for two weeks.
okay, it's been a month.
two months fly by
three months
... etc... etc.....
and suddenly you're thin as a rail and don't recognize yourself
and you're going into withdrawals in the middle of the day if you don't have your pills
and you're taking them with you everywhere you go
your family members can hear them jangling in your bag....
and it's justified because, "oh the doc gave me these."
right?
"I need them."
but no, it was.... doing a lot more harm than good. it steals my life from me like, it gets away from me every time. every time I touch one of these substances. I just don't come back from it.
I just can't touch these substances. not even once.
I don't understand people who can. I never will.
