My father beat me
how does one overcome abuse
they don’t
my boyfriend tried to strangle me to death and held a knife to my throat
I wish now that we would of just killed me
so I don’t have to suffer anymore
with the memory
of all the things that have happened
it’s too much, and I feel more burnt out than a piece of toast but no one seems to get it
though I tell them
“I want to kill my self.”
”I give up, I don’t care anymore.”
“I can’t do it anymore.”
Why don’t they hear me?
Why do they think I’m perfectly fine when I’ve been mentally hospitalized three times and, I wound up in the hospital many other times from the stupid things I did to myself.
Why do they assume everhting is fine when it’s so i credibly evident that it’s not
I’m tired of going along with the act, I want to come out and say it.
Sometimes i do, in subtle ways.
I don’t blame them for my defectiveness, and shame. It’s not their fault I loathe myself and want to die.
Its not their fault I’m so mentally fucked up.
But at the same time, I wish they did better by me I guess.
I didnt have to go through what I did but I did, and now I’m fucked up from it, I can’t recover.
All i know is the only times I feel alive anymore are when I’m in situations that are life and death.
The rest of the time, I’m dead inside, too numb to really care. If I seem like I do, it’s either a misconception or I’m faking it.
I dont care anymore. Not since the day I relied on the kindness of strangers for a place to sleep and woke up on park benches.
Since then the world has felt like a horrible strange dream. Right between all the other dreams and worlds I visit in my sleep.
This ones just as real to me as the rest.
Ever since i felt my heart flat line in my chest I’ve chased the feeling of death or coming close to it
because it’s the best thing you can have on this planet and it’s the most real. Lights you up inside like a light bulb, it’s hndenjable.
A feeling I treasure in needles and hold sacred in my mind above all else. Nothing can compete, and that’s makes me sick and incomplete.
Im broken and don’t belong here anymore, I’m, i feel like my time is up. As if ive over stayed my welcome.
