I’m so tired of arguing about this aubrieta, you don’t just get to decide someone’s sexuality.
I know intrinsically I’m gay. Tryp was the first guy I dated in six years. I swore it off when I realized lying to myself just hurt people. I come here as a place to be honest with myself. I felt like I owed Tryp that honest and a few weeks into us talking... I realized I was only leading him on because I didn’t want him to go away. I didn’t want our friendship to end, but I knew he would lose interest because he wanted to date me, and if I said no, that’s what happens. They go away when you reject them. But yeah I came out (literally) and said to him point blank, “I’m gay.” And he believed that I could be bisexual for him. I really tried, but what it comes down to is, you’re not looking at what goes on in these relationships.
I don’t *fuck* the guys I’m dating because *I don’t fucking want to* and that’s what it comes down to. And I need to stop putting myself in relationships with them because I enjoy their fucking company or like them as a person, and I also learned to stop confusing that with like reason to be together in the first place. It’s not.
There is a huge component missing for me and you don’t understand that maybe but, I know what it’s like and. I just simply don’t, desire men. At all. Sexually, or physically. And on the contrary, the array of feelings and the depth of “emotion” and attraction that I feel, and connection, with a woman. The things I desire to do with her, it’s... very real and goes beyond just enjoying lesbian sex or something shallow as that.
I’ve known for years now I fully intend to marry a woman that’s been what I’ve wanted for a very, very long time. Because, I am gay. And I know you don’t understand.
The reason I started dating Leo in the first place was to cover up a relationship I had going on with a girl since high school. I wasn’t allowed to see her, by my parents, so I would lie and say I was hanging out with various guys. I maintained these friendships so that they would be willing to lie for me when they asked where I was, and if I told them point blank, “If my parents ask where I am tonight I’m with you.” They’d be willing to vouch for me.
I was seeing Leo and Sarah simultaneously, because he was my only cover in the summer that they would *allow* me to see. They didn’t like my other friends, but he had a way with making parents really like them. I used this to my advantage and I know that’s shitty but, I just wasn’t thinking at the time how this was hurting Leo.
Anyway, the entirety of my relationship with Leo I was just going along with it because I liked the opportunities he provided me with. He gave me everything I wanted, and I kind of had it made. And I wanted to convince myself, because that life was so good- that maybe if I played along long enough I would start to truly love him, and I would start to become sexually involved. I was only 18 years old at the time, I just graduated high school. Ok. Think how young I was, I met Leo, when I was 17 by the way, in fucking high school.
I thought you know, I was still hanging onto the denial/belief at the time that maybe I could be bisexual if I just hung on long enough and my sexuality toward men would develop with time. Like a late bloomer right? Even though my friends discussing men’s bodies like pieces of meat disgusted me and I literally only ever got off to and with girls. I was just in pure denial.
You have to keep in mind the consequences of me being gay, coming out to my family were catastrophic and like permanently life altering. I knew that if I came out I would lose them all. So I wanted to be absolutely, CERTAIN there was no chances of me perhaps “becoming” straight.
I thought I could just “push through it” or “grow out of it” or something, I thought I really could deny my own sexuality and mold myself a new one with time. I felt broken ok. I grew up with the notion that it was wrong. That it wasn’t the right thing to have. And thus, I thought I had to fix myself. And I tried. I gave it an honest try. That’s all I was trying to do.
But it just became more and more clear to me over time who I should be with, and that was that girl I was sneaking around with. Calling every night after Leo fell asleep and talking to her for hours during the day when he was out of the house. I flew back and forth from Mexico to America just to spend the fucking weekend with her. And when I was in college, I would drive two hours, just to go see her for the weekend as well. I was in love with this girl alright. You don’t know what went on behind the scenes, and the pictures of us, aren’t posted on my social media because i’m In the closet you doofus. You will not find a single picture of any of my girlfriends on social media, unless they are posed as friends. I do this on purpose.
This was something me and the girls I’m with agree upon, we discuss it. I tell them, “no pictures.” “No instagram.” “Nothing.” And they understand.
But obvioulsy I have some in private I’ve kept to myself and I cherish them greatly. But yeah you just don’t know what goes on in my sexual life because that’s none of your business honestly but like, do I really need to list every girl I’ve hooked up with in my life for you believe me. And every girl I fucking talked to? Do you want to see my Tinder profile, clearly prefers women? And *only* women.
I dated Tryp because I didn’t want our friendship to end, but I couldn’t “be” with him like that, and my experiment failed essentially. I thought you know- it’s been a long time. Maybe I’m more mature now. Maybe I’m capable of being a bisexual girl with a dude. Maybe. Just maybe. But it didn’t work at all.
And that’s why I came crumbling to tears and sobbing on the phone with him like telling him the honest truth I was gay and couldn’t do it anymore. I tried to keep it going by suggesting we bring girls into the picture but the truth is, all I wanted was the girl to myself and, I wanted to be with her monogamously and, it just. It wasn’t, working.
I’m not, interested, in being with men, sexually. You do you understand?
I grew up crushing on girls. My first kiss was with a girl. My first hook up was with a girl. My first *real relationship* where I actually *fell in love* and *wanted to marry the person* was with a girl. I’m gay. Alright?
I flirted with ephemeral because he told me in private something you don’t know. Same reason I flirted with TC. I have dated a trans girl in the past.
I’ve never flirted with the other guys you listed, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about or where you got the idea that I was coming onto them or flirting with them but you’re literally flat out mistaken on those ones.
And the video of the girl I was holding hands with was my girlfriend, at the time. But the reason I posted it was because I was actually filming my friend next to us talking, acting a fool. I thought she was being funny is why I was filming in the first place and I wanted to get it on camera, but I was pretending to be filming me and my girlfriend so she wouldn’t notice I was filming her.
The reason I post I’m gay everyday is because it just kind of became a meme if you haven’t noticed. It’s just funny to me, I don’t know. I thought it was kind of funny. But I have a weird sense of humor I guess, so I understand if you don’t find it funny.
Please stop worrying about what I get off to, but if you’re curious I’d love to share. I’d love to share all my sexual experiences with girls. I’d love to talk about all the girls I’ve fallen in love with, they’re beautiful women inside and out and I could rave about them all day.
The reason I come here is as a place to be myself, in the regular world, there is a limit to how much gay, the friends can take- and the family isn’t accepting. I just have no social outlet for it because of being in the closet. I can’t be caught dead with other people who are lgbt and, it’s impossible to hide these days because everyone has it plastered on their social media. I was in an lgbt club at university for a time, as I felt I could use the support at the time. That was during the time my family disowned me, for being gay. But yeah uh, the organization was super understanding and cautious about closeted-ness and took no photos, held discreet meetings and basically allowed it to be easily kept under wraps, purposefully. So I could get away with attending but, even then, somehow the person I was living with still figured it out- because the meetings schedule was uploaded on the university website, they read the times and dates and aligned it with the fact I was gone then.
My whole life has been a fucking witch hunt and, it’s been very stressful but. I don’t mean to act persecuted. Talking about it is just how I deal with the stress. Or it’s an outlet here for me like i said.
