early childhood, i don't even know how old i was. somewhere between like 4-7 years
(because i know by the time i was 10 i stopped doing this)
i would sit in my closet.
like, instead of just, playing around or being a normal kid. i'd just go sit in the closet.
and i had like a little fort in there. and then i would journal/color etc. for hours and cover the walls with stickers and art of my own creation.
it's still there, lots of crayon on the walls.
when i was 10, i branched out and started doing that to my entire room. covering it in stickers and papers that i had collected over the years. things that i identified with, things i'd made etc.
it was pretty ugly but, very 2001-2009 looking so, it was appropriate. because it was 2009. and that's how everyones bedrooms looked in 2009.
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also when i was like in elementary school- the teacher reported to my parents that i would walk out to the center of the playground at "recess" and just stand there. we had a thirty minute break to play in the middle of the day.
and instead of playing, i would just stand in the same spot. sometimes i'd squat down and look at the bugs in the dirt for a very long time. or i'd just look straight forward- staring off into the distance at the clouds.
everyone else is running around in pure chaos and i'm just in a trance.
very quiet, very odd. i remember doing it but i don't know why. lol
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also in this "elementary school" age i used to play with spiders and collected them in a weird box and then stored it in the garage- like hiding it. because i wasn't supposed to.
and then i would go check on them to see how they were doing and feed them bugs and give them grass and shit.
and i'd play with them on my hands. i remember once my dad caught me doing it and took it away from me and dumped them all out.
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when i was in elementary school, i decided to start a club that you had to pay money to be a part of at my school. surprisingly people actually got really into it.
but the weird part is that i was lying to these people, and telling them i was collecting their money to be spent on group plans- like events, parties, adventures. planned field trips etc.
and i labelled all of them with numbers.... and ranked them. so, people could have different positions of popularity/prestige and like "say" in what goes down in the club, and have more time discussing things with me/have more importance... if they had a "lower" number (closer to 1)
and then i didn't have a number, i named myself paul for some reason.
and everyone else was paul 1, paul 2, paul 3, paul 4... etc. there was at least 15 kids in this group maybe more.
and they'd report to me at recesss like "what are we doign today paul!!!" and i'm like "go play in the sandbox and dig for treasure, i hid some in there. whoever gets it wins the money"
(which you can pay to me, to move up in yuor rank)
lol.... wtf???????
and all of this was just so i could use that money to buy food, to sell at the bake sale- and make a profit off of.
and then i'd use that money to buy supplies, and make shit, and then sell it on the campus. jewelry and shit. schools supplies. random shit kids wanted.
and i also was in the business of organizing/doing people's homework for them. and also would accept payment to sneak into rooms and steal things for people.
i figured out that i could sweet talk the janitors into getting me into the locker room. the locker room didn't have any locks on the lockers- and the janitor didn't know which locker was mine. couldn't tell i was stealing shit.
i'd just get shit for people that they forgot, or, steal a homework assignment, etc.
i even stole candy from the teachers desk when the janitor wasn't looking XD
i was a bad kid!! but pretended to be sweet and the teachers pet and all this shit. which is the worst kind lol
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i also manipulated the 3rd graders (when i was in 5th grade) to go stand in line at the "after care" free food line- and get food for themselves- but then give it all to me.
and i would give them shit like, a fortune teller or random shit they wanted. i think i'd like do their homework for them and things like that. it was a sneaky process because the after care people were watching us, so i had to have the kid like, be pretending to be doing their homework and i had to sit next to them- and i'd *actually* be doing their homework.
and then i just slip them the sheet really fast or whatever and boom they have the answers.
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i also stole homework from the homework turning in bin, and put my name on it. i only did this when i fucked up and just totally forgot about an assignment or something. it was just a panicked decision that i had to fall back on, for the fear of going home and getting my ass beaten over a zero.
either way, i was getting my ass beat. if i got caught for cheating, or if i got the zero. so i was willing to take my chances.
and i forged my parents signatures pretty much every time it was required because they were too dysfunctional at the time to do things like that.... i dunno.
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i filmed myself with a camcorder before youtube existed.
and did youtube-style videos, before that was a thing. like, standing and talking to a camera or whatever with my bedroom in the background.
i don't know what possessed me to do this or gave me the idea but, i was really attached the camera and like filmed everything?
i really have no idea why i *started* doing this though is what's odd. don't know what gave me the idea?
but yeah i started making videos with my friends and they were *REALLY* weird oh god... i should upload them but they are *very* 2005 and very cringy and weird
we would like wear costumes.... i really dont know why did this??
but yeah i would like talk to the camera as if i was hosting a show... kinda weird. idk.
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i also formed a band when i was in elementary school, lol and in one of those videos i mentioned... we like show the song we made.... ahhahahah
because i used to tinker with like uh editing software that i found in my sisters room... had a midi and everything, and a keyboard and i used to play with that shit for hours making essentially entirely digital music.
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also i was a dancer, and like, i would go to dance class and act really weird. i was like the "odd ball" friend. i did a lot of weird goofy shit. but deep down i was depressed and like just covering it all up with comedy... i dunno. hard to explain.
but just a lot of jokes and humor.
but like i would do some goofy ass shit. like play songs on the piano and sing like "comedic" songs to my friends but they were always really dark behind it like,
about a house burning to the ground and everyone in it died or something????
oh yeah and i also would run around opening random cabinets and screaming in them and people would laugh at that.
what gave me the idea to do that was, i actually had like severe paranoia issues when i was a child, and i still do to this day but i'm better at dealing with it + i take meds. so it makes those thoughts stop. but its like "highly irrational anxiety thoughts" that i guess would edge on OCD.
like, "if i open this cabinet, there's something in it that's going to jump out at me."
so to overcome my fear of opening cabinets i would open them really fast and scream in them to sort of comedically relieve the stress of doing that for me. and people would laugh and i was overcoming my fear of opening cabinets i guess.
i had like weird thoughts like that all the time, all of it was related to trauma in someway. but actually after that age those like OCD irrational tendencies went full volume and i actually had a very hard time with it all through middle school.
i don't remember much of that time because i was just so consumed with it. i remember panic attacks and freaking out over things that, don't matter tos omeone who isn't completely insane.
every morning and every evening there was a fight about my OCD shit, it came down to a lot of force and violence to like, get me to do things i wouldn't do because i was AFRAID TO.
i don't know why my parents didn't just like, get me a fucking therapist? lol i think they just didn't understand it was a mental illness...
and i'm like laying the floor shaking and crying from a panic attack, and where were they? they just left me like that lol
