Sociopath Community

I feel like as nervous as you would before an opening night of a show and ur about to go on stage 

I just can’t handle this kind of athfffffff *cries* 

i am so unbelievably tense right now

my anxiety is like: ROCKET SHIPS????? WWWWWWWOOOOAAAAHHHHHHH NOWWWWWWWWWWW. 

Say hi to Crave from me

Cape Canaveral?

You're gonna make them the first astronauts to never come home by choice :) 

Nasa adventures so far: 

holy shit. I knew this was going to be the biggest challenge I've put myself up to since having a complete like mental breakdown from ptsd. since that snapping point, I've had to rebuild my ability to withstand things that people with a severe anxiety disorder might see as challenging. 

when I first came home from the hospital, it was difficult for me to even be in a room of people that weren't calm, quiet and sedentary- it was difficult for me to even go to a store, much less, just down the hall from my room in a mental hopsital- to a cafeteria in the same fucking building. something about *everything* was overwhelming. I couldn't even handle, the news. I couldn't handle watching a movie, with violence in it. Or even the mention, of the word suicide, or kill, murder etc. And my family had to *avoid* saying these words, or talking about "difficult" topics in front of me. Because it would send me into a full blown panic attack. A noisy restaurant, a busy street. Was too much for me. 

I struggled really bad but slowly, slowly adjusted. I have a shit ton of triggers, and I don't know they're there until they happen. I had a hard time with movie theaters. I had a hard time waking up and being startled. I had a hard time when my car broke down on the side of the road, or being injected with medications in a hospital for some reason. I had a hard time, I had an extreme reaction to feelings of abandonment, attachment issues. Like my mom would leave the store to go get something from her car, and that would send me over the edge. 

So yeah the first year I was really sensitive. Now it's been three years and I've gotten better at practicing coping with all of these things, and dealing with triggers (with meds) and it's possible to sort of overcome. Just requires a shit ton of practice and its hard as shit. 

So now, the main things I am facing issues with now is still the attachment issue (when someone leaves me alone I feel estranged and it just sends me into a panic attack), and also I have issues with traveling. And obviously I've adjusted to the overwhelm of a busy street, and a busy restaraunt (although it's difficult). But yeah something about traveling, is very very difficult for me. Like, a long road with trees on the side for miles. Whenever I'm going somewhere or are somewhere I am very unfamiliar with. Feelings of being sort of lost. Feelings of having lost something even. 

So I'm still sensitive to these panic attacks surrounding this issues, although I do know how to cope with them, I haven't totally mastered these topics yet like I have with other issues. Because I avoid them. I avoid getting "left" and I avoid, getting lost, going to unfamiliar places, or traveling long distances- and losing things. 

So I knew, that this whole "NASA ADVENTURE" was going to be very very difficult for me. I've managed to travel only one other time, and it was to somewhere I already knew, and was *very peaceful and relaxing* and that was already the *hardest* thing I've done. 

I wanted to go for my mom, she is a huge NASA fan, her dad was involved with it and with him recently passing this year, this is a sentimental, important, meaningful thing for her. I wanted to show my support for something she loved, and held super near to her. It was a huge part of her childhood, and her life, and one of her main interests in life over all. I believe it is also her way with coping with her dad dying and way for her to remember him and feel close to him etc. 

So it was a deep thing, I had to do it. I just had to. I really didn't want to, but I figured I would at least try- and worst case I could lock myself in the bathroom and puke from panic attacks the whole time. But, that's nothing I haven't done before. I've had panic attacks that lasted three days. I'm used to it. So yeah, I just figured, worst case this is going to really suck. I've been through it before, I can do it again why not. At least I'm showing my mom I care and wanted to try. 

The entire thing, for me was one long panic attack. It's unfortunate that here in this thread, I'm not elaborating about the wonderful experiences we had, and all the information I learned- because *I couldn't fucking pay attention to jack shit* and I *barely cared* because I was just in this state of "ok lets check off everything on my moms list, lets just get through this, lets get to the next thing, and the next thing, and then we can leave." 

So yeah. Needless to say, it was very triggering for me. The crowds. The feeling of being completely lost and not knowing where I'm going. The long distance travel. Feeling lost and abandoned (I got separated from the group like 800 times of course because I walked slow). It was hell. Pure, hell for me. The hardest thing I've done this year for sure. 

I made a joke to my mom she was like, "are you enjoying it?" an I'm like, "yeah, just had 93 panic attacks but I'll be fine! it's great!!! LOVE it." 

and we kind of laughed it off, I don't really talk about it unless I'm joking about it. But yeah, the entire time, the *entire* time. I had to do like breathing exercises and guided meditation in my head to cope with everything. It was definatinately too much. 

And then the physical aspect. It was 900 degrees. It's summer, it's Florida, it's July. It's noon. And I walked around in that heat, *all day.* by the end of it, my entire body hurt from head to toe, because we were on our feet the entire time. 

My mom is a really "hardy" person. She can live off of dirt and water, as she puts it. She's tough as nails. This kind of shit just doesn't phase her. But for me, 2 hours at an air conditioned mall and I'm like sleepy as hell and need a nap. 

There was a point we were on a bus, and of course, I was separated from my family because we couldn't find seats together. Now this bus, I don't know where the fuck we are going or what the course was. We're driving in the middle of no where. With all these strangers, in a confined space. That is very loud, and everyone is sweating. 

Just, none of this is really my style of travel. My mom is the adventurous type and wants to do "all the things" she is very high energy, fast paced, and also very attention deficit like a 5 year old like "LETS DO THIS OHHH LETS DO THIS LETS DO THIS YEAH LETS GOO WEOOOHOOO" and wants to surf and zip line and sky dive and race cars and throw bottle rockets and climb a mountain and canoe across the Mississippi River and then fly a fighter jet and do loop die  loops and then drive a Ferarri and then go water skiing and then get in a helicopter and then fucking go to the moon 

she *literally* wants to get *in a rocket ship* and go to fucking *mars* and she is not *joking* lol 

she is the type of person, who things doing barrel rolls in a fighter jet while plummeting to the earth, is fun. The feeling of your heart dropping two inches in your chest cavity (what happens when you barrel roll in a jet) is fun. Passing out from the centriphical force of a training simulator, is fun to her. She *enjoys* that shit. 

Me. I can't even handle a bus ride. I can't even run. I have asthma. lol 

I'm just not built as hardy as my moms side of the family. I'm a weaker build. They're strong like ox's. It's unusual strength. Unusual resilience. Unusual speed. Her brother things rugby is fun. Which is nothing but injuries. They're just tough tough people genetically. (German, Viking descent). 

And I'm just way more fragile than that. They get the flu and they're like "eh, it's nuthin I'll power through it" and can build a fucking house while vomiting the flu, with a hammer and nails (and have fun while doing it). 

And if I get the flu I'm bedridden for a week and can't fucking move, somehow develop bronchitis from it, and have to miss like two weeks of college because I'm so sick that I can't breath or walk or see straight, and I want to die because I'm in so much pain, and also coughing up hard white things. 

I'm just not, on their level at all. At all. lol I'm anemic, I have deficiencies in everything. I get dehydrated easily. If I don't eat breakfast lunch and dinner I literally pass out. 

So yeah, needless to say, I was just kind of too weak for her,... robust, adventuresome hyper personality but I tried to keep up- and ended up like burning myself the fuck out. 

And at the end of the day I said to my mom, "you've definitely taken me to my limit if not past my limit today" in regards to just what I can do mentally and physically right now. 

It was a major challenge for me just managing the constant panic attacks. So yeah. 

It was like every event we went to. We went from station to station trying all these new things. And each new thing was like *more panic attacks* for me. we finally got to a point where I just couldn't do it. There was this like launch simulator and you basically feel like you're going upside down and launching into space and it's like a lot of noise and a lot of rumbling and you feel your fucking chest sinking in. 

And I just couldn't do that. Lol. I could barely handle the bus tour. And then we went and watched this movie in like a huge cinema dome thing, and I *hate* those things. they really send me over the edge because I get really disoriented and once again, 

it freaks me the fuck out. But yeah, and for some reason my mom thought it would be a good idea to run everywhere we went. In the heat. And then of course she didn't eat the entire day because things were going so fast paced. 

We had like VIP backstage whatever treatment and like, were getting back doored into all the events so we didn't have to wait in lines (so that was a fucking god send) but still. 

I felt really bad because the guy that was touring us around like, would badge us into this door, or take us up this elevator and like other people would try to get in and he'd be like, 'sorry guys, you're not allowed in here, employees only" and like 

they looked at us like, "they're not employees" and just that look of like, "fuck you" you know. 

idk. And then then the people on the VIP bus were being straight up ass holes. They were all really like posh people from all over the world. well, mainly just Europeans. Yeah. 

And they were all super snotty and rude. I hated it soooooo much. And my mom is kind of self centered and doesn't think about other people's needs.... so between those two things going on I was just trying really hard not to look angry. 

But yeah um, like the entire day I was just getting kind of shat on. idk why it was just me too. Like things were already hard enough and then the universe also had to shit on me. Like there were tourists who don't know what walking is and were just like flying straight into me, and I was looking around not paying attention but they just literally creamed right through me or clipped me and that shit hurt like I'm not a big person lol. and these people were big because they're like fucking giant germans and shit and they just like bulldozed straight through me basically. at one point, someone on the bus had no consideration for me standing behind them, stood up to get something from the storage above, a very heavy bag- and just wacked me in the head with it. and I said, "ow" like pretty loud. assuming they'd turn around and realize I was there and go "oh sorry id didn't see you!" but there was none of that. it was like, "get out of my way ass hole" lol (anther German person btw lol) 

so I'm realizing that people from other places don't have the same concept of personal space or like "culturally developed societal norms and etiquette" as like Americans do... their concept is very different. it's like, if you're in my way, I'm allowed to hit you very hard. and I'm also going to walk really fast and cut you off and get in your way a lot because its every man for themselves and I'm the winner. kind of mentality. very robust and fast paced and competitive like very hostile almost approach to just, walking. I don't know what is wrong with them. 

and then on the bus, one of the ladies actually was extremely rude to my face. I was sitting next to my mom for a second trying to let her down in the easiest way possible that the launch simulator ride we were going on soon, I wouldn't be able to go on it. it's too much for me and I'm going to have a panic attack and vomit all over myself. it's just not a good idea- and after that point, the day is ruined. if I can't keep the panic attack "down" like once it comes up, to a full blown full scale one, it's very difficult to make it stop, and I pretty much stay like that for three days. three, days. so I was just trying to tell her like, "I really don't think.... I can........ I'm sorry....." and this lady is like, "MY SEAT GOT JACKED. UGH. WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?" (yelling at her husband nearby) 

and then she was like, "THAT SEAT IS MINE CAN YOU GO SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE SO I CAN SIT WITH MY FAMILY" and it was like really loud and rude. and the seats weren't reserved. she just decided it was hers, and took it from me, by being rude. 

I'm having the hardest day ever and this woman come screams at me. I just didn't even say anything. everyone in the bus was looking at her like "ass hole" lol. I looked over at my mom and this guy from like Vienna Italy next to her was even making the same face as her. just like raised eyebrows you know kind of in shock that someone would be so rude to a random stranger. you know. 

NOT LIKE I WAS IN MID CONVERSATION WITH MY MOM VERY CLEARLY OR WANTED TO BE WITH MY FAMILY. NOPE. ALL ABOUT YOU. 

I'm not doing the explanation justice as far as everything she said and the way she said, I can't remember exactly what she said but it was just really bad. like really hostile, really angry, supppppper bitchy and just completely completely mean. the tone, just everything lol. 

and i just literally got up and looked at the floor. I just didn't want to respond and make the situation even more hostile. and then she started yelling at me more like, "NO, YOU CAN SIT THERE, JUST NOT HERE." like pointing to the empty seat next to her (that was too far from my mom for me to talk to her so there was no point in my sitting there unless I wanted to be crammed between a window and this very mean lady. 

and I'm thinking like, "why the hell would I want to sit next to you?"

so once again I just didn't look at her and just kept looking at the floor and just like shoved through her to go sit somewhere else and didn't' even look back at her lol. just like, straight face, had zero reaction to it all. 

that was my way of saying fuck you. like, I'm not going to be happy about it, I'm not going to cuss you out. I'm just going to totally not react, or say anything, or look at you. and that's my way of showing no respect. 

because normally in a respectful situation I would respond and look them in the eye and smile and go, "oh sure! no problem! have a nice day" and walk away gleefully. but this, was all body language and shit I just looked at the floor and kept it moving like, you get nothing lady. I won't do anything toward you, I'm just not giving you any good treatment because you gave me none as well and you don't deserve it. I'm leaving. bye. 

anyways, then my sister lost her phone and we had to go on a wild adventure to find that. 

it was just craziness. the whole day was madness. 

I regret going. I was so exhausted, physically drained, mentally drained at the end of that day... I was dehydrated as fuck... just the whole thing was a mess. I was literally wet head to toe with sweat. it was disgusttttting. and my entire body hurt. even my ass hurt. I've never had my ass hurt like that. not an emotion I've ever experienced. but seriously, every inch of my body, ached. from that day. 

never doing that again. ack. 

when I got home I literally just dead floated in my pool for 15 minutes, spent about 15 minutes baking in the hot tub and that cured my aching muscles and felt sooooooooooo good. and I drank like nine bottles of water. and then I passed out in my bed lol.

and yeah then I had to hand the keys over to my air bnb-ers so when they met me I was like soooo much of a hot mess and dead exhausted. but I tried really hard to still smile and be welcoming but I just didn't have any shred of energy left in me. 

but yeah then I handed over my keys and left. and now we are going back to nasa and we are going to watch the launch on the 24th is the plan so that's why I'm not home rn but yeah. 

I just really want my apartment back and to go home. I was in the middle of putting together my shelf and I was really enjoying that. and also working on stuff for work. so, that's what I'll be doing on my computer this week and stuff but yeah uh.... at least that's the plan. 

and I forgot to get my fucking Kylie cosmetics order out of the mail so I hope something doesn't happen to it. its indoors but.... yeah it's just going to sit there. 

I dunno I was really enjoying just "playing house" (but in real life) with my home like when I was cleaning up for the air bnber's and I think when I get back I'm going to do some more home updates to make it more home-y and stuff.