So I'll just get right to it. When I was a teenager I knew that I was gay and I would often try to seek porn with boy who were around the same age as me. Luckily for me there was no easy way to get it, so i just used to look up nude pics of boys from 12 - 16 online. When I turned 18, my cousin's son who was 6 considered my his brother. No one ever considered me that before. No one ever looked up to me like that before. I never did anything bad with him and I loved and adored the kid as if he was my brother. And when that happened, I decided that I would not want anybody to do to my little brother to what I do on google images. And from then I stopped masturbating to pics of underage boys.
For almost 6 years I was clean. But this year, I've been doing it again, every once in a while. And it's becoming a bit more recent. There are allot of stuff going on in my life. My little brother, my dad and my father died. I found out I have both depression and anxiety and people always use and abuse me. And then I've tried dating but only to get used or hurt once again or hurt people. It reached to a point that I no longer care for people. And I even used to cut myself. Everytime I go on CP sites and search up boy in speedos I literally convince myself while doing it that I've been through allot and I deserve this kind of relief and after I do it I feel guilty and ashamed of myself for masturbating to it. I really want to stop, but I don't have the money to see a therapist about it. Heck I don't even have a job, every job i ever took I had to leave it because people used me and was racial towards me.
Is there any steps or tips I can get to stop it indefinitely without having to see a therapist?
