confession- I have heard voices screaming "you are ugly" and "loser" for two years now- and one of them is Lana rhoades and another is that stupid police officer that screamed at me and rubbed his ugly string bean sociopathic narcissistoc body all over mine "trying to handcuff me" (I was not actually arrested, contrary to his in real life screaming that I was going to be arrested) (Lana usually sceeams loser and the police officer usually screams "you are ugly" but there are many other voices screaming "you are ugly" as well- not sure why this is an insecurity of mine because I think that I was a really pretty and cute baby and young girl soo what the fuck)
yeah, umm soo many different mental disorders can lead to hearing auditory hallucinations (not just schizophrenia and I do not agree that I am schizophrenic and refuse to take that on as yeat another diagnostic label for my mental fucking health, because even if I do "have that" I have already tried a few antipsychotics and they did not help back before I had started heaeing voices, soo why eould they work any better now and I am sort of done with meds after a lot of dissappointment and trying many, many different meds- although there are a few that I take for my anxiety and panic attacks and being able to sleep but I quit adderall as well), and I need to finally fully accept that this is part of my life experience and not pretend like this is not going on anymore (soo I told both my mother and my psychoanalyst) aand my psychoanalyst is not specifically jungian- (because I only feel safe to both learn and start practicising dream work and active imagination on my own, because I have major major problematic trust issues like soo severe awful just fuck my life okay, soo I eefuse to try to repress these voices, because I want to integrate them instesd but if I even tried to explain how motherfucking annoying hewring that shit every single day in the background ALWAYS IN THE BACKGROUND FUCKING SCREAMING AT ME umm actually I feel way more calm about it now, but sometimes I have fucking lost it and just start spewing for them to kill themselves (but they are a part of me like my own inner critic, soo I am really only screaming that at myself) soo I am just fucking myself, but I get soo pissed sometimes
I am not really looking for support because I am soo used to dealing with this on my own for soo long, but fuck
just joking
just joking
