I used to dress up as a boy and walk around the neighborhood and not speak. I cut my hair short with scissors in the bathroom. I used to be embarrassed by my gender. I used to hide dresses my parents tried to give me. I liked video games ect and didn't fit in with girls
I was embarrassed of my own voice
I hated looking in the mirror
I didn't know I was intersex either, or about the surgery or anything nobody told me my grandmother told me when I was much older
I used to daydream about being a boy to where it consumed me.
Although I don't judge people who experience this I do judge myself.
I think although my parents beat that out of me I do think it really is gone
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing but it is what it is
Every now and then with small things people will comment "oh. You do X? Funny every other girl I met has done Y."
And I get flickers of something that I don't know what it is but I'm not going to share.
I know one thing though
In some ways I'm lucky
If I were a guy everyone would think I'm a loser
They already do and I'm.a.girl so
Imagine if I were a guy? How bad it would be
Idk. Just a thought
I did always want a male authority figure I could follow and learn from though. Not to be protected by- which is how I notice most girls describe their relationship with their father
But to become.
I used to tell people at school I was a boy and get called weird and a liar. I even tried going by a different name.
I remember a really bad moment where I think i.stopped.completly
I lost my mind because my room was painted bright pink
I was weirdly extremely upset and embarrassed by this
I started throwing things around the room it was bad
And I got beaten really, really badly.
And after that, I just kind of gave up.
And became in some ways even more feminine than everyone around me. When my mom got me clothes I always wore them. Even as an adult.
And became uncomfortable in pants actually haha weird weird I know
I had a school uniform once with pants and I felt really awkward and had some skirts but I usually shoved all my laundry under my bed and had to wear what there was and just kinda ignore it and play around with my laptop
I had a teacher for a while that I had a delusion saw me like- the way I wanted.to be seen when I was a kid. Same school actually
I had this delusion that he saw that in me
He was the only person I ever told at the time about how I was intersex that didn't look at me like something was wrong with me.
It didn't end well other things happened.
He wouldn't let me tinker with the computers and that drove me insane that had nothing to do with anything I'm talking about though and I won't think he was a dick for that decision but
He was a dick for other reasons
Anyway. I have seen w women try to look like guys it never looks right
It always looks weird
Don't post dumb pics in the comments it make me uncomfortable
I notice men can very much look like women though
I don't want to be a boy though. Maybe I just wish I had the bravery to just be intersex in the way that my brain just is for me.
I wish society acknowledged 3 biological sexes- male female and intersex
This is not a place to debate i.dont have the energy
Anyway idk what else to say lol
Well I will add in my days of mainly just pursuing women in high school I became resentful of male students for being able to get girlfriends and me never being able to lol
I started being weirdly misogynistic and going on forums to vent about everything I hated about women and the men who could get them
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