The kind blonde lady that taught English on the tabe test all those years ago. She taught yoga on event days and I would try to relax (FYI I could not relax I laid down and my body was like wtf is this we must be on high alert at all times) and we watched a video about a girl who was doing science experiments at home in her class and I explained the video really well apparently and me and the nice woman started talking about science and I started enjoying the conversation and I used to drop by her classroom around lunch and I would talk with her about science and she was encouraging me that I should go to college
Remember her? What was her name? We had an event once where I sang this in her class-
God. I really was stupid back then because I meant every word I sang. What an idiot I was.
Anyway, as you remember I TABED out in English on day 1 but
That woman we started talking about spiritually too and wondered what might be out there
It was her I first showed the "positive voodoo doll" (it's actually called a poppet) I created of you. I filled it with genuine rare herbs, Crystals ceremonial cleansed by the moon, oils and sigils and pink salts and- well I made it myself with a felting kit I put a lot of work research and detail into it.
I made it because I still truly believed you had told the truth about the columbine shooting
I felt, you must have been going through the same pain as me. Because I was in a shooting too. Not the same one but- And I empathized because I knew what that pain was like and I have a genuine love for you and the thought of you hurting it broke my heart and I wanted to help.
So.i.made a doll. But not.just any doll. I studied kabbalah I linked different traditions I created sigils and spells that weekend while my roommates were out. And then one of the hibiscus flowers that was around it-that was supposed to be dead bloomed on a dark shelf after getting no water for days. And I knew it had something beyond my understanding that had happened. And all my chanting of me attempting ancient Hebrew despite only knowing Yiddish seemed to pay off.
It was a very dry flower too.
Anyway
I went to show the woman teacher what I had created. I had filled it with little slips of paper- things I thought defined you- this can help bind the soul to the doll...but the doll was evil because it was bound with lies and I had a nightmare I was chased by that doll.later and that mrs.shawna tried to protect me from it.
Anyway.
She told me the burden you put on me emotionally was inappropriate and concerning. That she was worried. She seemed to want to help me. Sometimes, I wish I had let her.
Because the next day I tried to hang myself. Or maybe it was the day after the next?
And I think she knows that's very much a large part of why. After you yelled at me in class. I tried to smile. But for a few days I wanted to stop existing. And that's why I did what I did.
The pain hasn't gone away.