I am afraid that if I stop talking to you- I'm abandoning you. And I have been abandoned myself. So I don't want to do that. But, I also feel very abandoned by you. And for that reason. I cannot stop yelling at you.
I'm also in a lot of pain. I have a tumor in my head. I am going to a neurologist on the 16th to get it looked at.
I am afraid of you forgetting me. I know I am a memory you want to file away and never think about. And I know, you don't see me anymore. You just see me screaming and that's all you hear. All you see is my anger. All you see is that I am bothering you. You don't see ME. you haven't seen me in a long, long time.
the same person you once knew those years ago - she's me. I'm just hurt. And stubborn. Very stubborn. Haha. Remember that toxic face I got when I felt wronged? You were the first person to ever point it out.
I think the abused children inside both of us were friends with each other for a while. I think that friendship scared you. But I couldn't let go.
It's not the lies that hurt me. It's that, you trigger something vulnerable inside me with them. I watched people die all around me and it was so, so horrible. It was so scary. My head plays with the scene like putty trying to understand it. But I'm actually really embarrassed to have post traumatic stress disorder. I'm embarrassed, of my autism. I don't like being weak. That's why I attack for so so long. And I felt like you took something personal I shared and trusted you with and used it to hurt and humiliate me- and then when I needed you most you left me behind.
You were my friend. And whether you pretend it wasn't true- I was your friend too.
If I manage to stop making emails- I am not abandoning you. I am sitting right next to you until the end of time. Hell even when I had a near death experience my soul went to visit you.
I'm just waiting for you to remember me and say hello. Please, don't abandon me forever, okay?
Come back. Eventually. When you are ready.
I genuinely cannot control myself. I am only briefly having a moment of lucidity.
I know I said a lot of horrible things. About things personal to you. I wanted to make you feel the way you made me feel and I hope you can forgive me one day.
I'm going to try to stop talking to you solely because I am scared that if I don't attempt this- I'm going to push you away
But right now I'm hoping with time maybe you'll eventually come back some day. Maybe I'm crazy for hoping
But that this point I'm so desperate I'll try anything.
So this isn't a goodbye.
This is- don't be a stranger?
You say you don't want to be a part of my life- you already were. And I already am. And none of us chose that. Your life of a book- I'm not in this chapter of it. Not the way I'd like to be. But I'm still in the book itself.
Please don't forget who I was under all the screaming. I still love science, anime, fanfiction, video games, nature, art, and most of all the forest. And I still love the tree entities. Even if I got mad at them.
I scream at the shadows of my hellish past but I am so much more than breaking down, even if I do feel like a ghost sometimes. Even if I briefly WAS a ghost. Haha.
The truth is I miss you.
The truth is I'm sorry things turned out this way.
The truth is I hate this wall.
Maybe some day when you are in a different chapter of your life you can talk to me. Maybe time will heal the wounds and we can talk painlessly.