I came home feeling depressed and lonely at the prospect of some bad news i got.
My mom spoke to her financial advisor and decided to pull out of the business, and instead decided to selfishly support her own investment which, no one in the family benefits from but her. She’s taking it all for herself.
I am so disappointed. So disappointed. My mom always does this so i don’t know why i’m Surprised, they’re very up and down. And i always forget thought i try to remind myself. Not to get my hopes up, not to get invested or emotionally attached, not to trust them.
Because one day, it’s like “hey i’m Gonna include you in this business thing and help you out” and the next, it’s all forgotten and like i don’t exist. Another day it’s just all punishment, or coming down harder on me in ways i don’t deserve. Sometimes its just being angry at me because they don’t like me.
It’s just very very inconsistent and up and down, up and down, up and down. I never know what to expect.
And I should of known better but, I really didn’t think she was going to pull this shit but yeah, it’s the financial advisors fault. He basically is helping her make more money for herself for her own retirement, and leaving the kids stranded telling her “we’ll figure it out on our own”
and if we want to continue the business, we have to put our own money into it we take out as loans (that we can’t get, or afford).
So thanks mom. Honestly fuck you for doing this I’m pissed as hell.
When she was telling me i was just like staring straight forward like “I cannot believe you right now you fucking bitch”
but I still smiled, despite wanting to roll my eyes and just walk away.
I’ve been sucking up to their asses for a fucking year, wiping their asses, doing all this stupid shit just to please them, doing so much to hide who i am so they’ll fucking like me. Working so hard to prove myself to them that i’m Capable of working with them in this business.
And what do they do? Hahahah they pull the rug out from under me in 2 seconds flat on a casual Saturday afternoon and it didn’t even affect them. They ddin’t Even think twice about how that might make me feel or what I think about that.
I’m not entitled to their financial help but, they shouldn’t of made promises and gotten my hopes up like they always do, just to ruin it like that smh and then just not even acknowledge that it was kinda shitty.
Whatever i don’t resent them for it i’m Just dissapointed as hell and i’m Exhausted from working my ass off for their approval just for financial gain and it’s just a mess.
My therapist told me they’re unstable and toxic and abusive, that i need to walk away and distance myself in every facet but i acccientally got looped right back in like i always do, by the charming sales-person esc way my mom has abotu her, it just sucks you in before you even think straight enough about what you’re doing it’s really manipiulative and i see her manipulating me all the time but yeah i just didn’t, even catch it this time i was like in a trance like state just falling for more bull shit enamoured with the ideas she fed me
and yeah i just, got suckered. And it sucks. The worst part is i can’t go home to anyone and vent about it because home was the people who did it to me. You know? So i just vent here instead.
This kind of stuff repeadetly happens and i just need to remind m,self to stay, distant.
It’s just, when i had to distance myself it was a dark thing for me that i had to go through and.... yeah it’s a long story but. Just learning to be less codependant on them and their manipulative toxic ways and codependant on taking care of and appeasing someone else constantly, it was a big step for me learning to just be my own person, make my own decisions, and not put myself back in those same situations repeadetly.
Ugh.
Oh well, i can vent about it put it behind me and move forward and i’ll Be ok. I just had to yeah, vent. Cuz i was hella sad.
it reminded me of painful things about my relationship with my parents and if you dwindle on it too long you can really get suckered into a depressed m,ind set but yeah i’m Just gonna try to move forward...
unfortunately these times are a huge trigger for me addiction wise and so i’m Gonna go to a meeting tonight like always and try not to relapse.
I’m always trying not to relapse. Hah. Yeah.. always, cleaning up the mess my parents made in me. On my own. Left to deal with it. Yeah. It’s a pattern in life. This time it wasn’t so severe but there have been times where it was and, i never got resolve on that you know. Just an open wound that I never dealt with. I dn’t know how to but maybe these groups i’m In and therapy and stuff can help :/
need to learn to deal with my sadness in better ways than just using drugs like, i’m Analyzing why i’m Sad and stuff and now i just need to go find the shit that will help me work through it mentally and come out on the other end feeling ok. Which is therapy.
