Sociopath Community

Every fucking time you are trying to do anything sexual your brain just flashes you with fucking traumatic memories. When I was a child and I was seven my cousin she sexually abused me. She involved a house cat and what I never mention because it's even worse what she did with it was she involved this fucking dog. She also raped me and people seem to think women can't sexually abuse so when I tried telling my family no one cared and as far as they were concerned women can't rape anyway. For some fucking reason this evil bitch gets so much power over my fucking mind that she gets to define like half my sexuality. I end up wanting things relating to my abuse in a sexual way I cannot fucking look at an animal without things in my mind happening that cause me to have this deep seated self disgust that honestly makes me fucking hate myself in a way I can't fully comprehend. Whenever I experience anything intimate my mind flashes to what happened when I was a child, or things relating to it. I am a zoophile inside my head and I hate myself so, so fucking much for that. I just have this anger that is always sort of there in one way or another that will not go away and I feel like I am permanently damaged and I don't know if I will ever be the same. I feel like trash. I feel like complete fucking trash and I am so angry. There was an incident where I went to a hostile with my spouse and I told my spouse I did not want to do anything sexual because other people were there and I didn't want to do sexual things in front of strangers I don't even fucking know. Well my partner ends up fingering me in my sleep and during that dream I am being raped as a child. I woke up during it and I told him to get the fuck off me. But one person complained and moved rooms the next day because apparently I had been moaning in my sleep and he was angry at me and yelled at me in front of everyone for my inappropriate behavior and I was so fucking  horrified and embarrassed. All illusion of free will in the sexual part of my mind is gone it is just run by trauma and things other people have done to me and it doesn't even feel like me anymore. There was another instance where I was so high I could not move and this was post that previously mentioned one where he started fingering me and he literally left the fucking door open and his dad was right there. I started trying to yell but I was so high it didn't sound like a cry for help, and I didn't want his dad to run in and see me being fingered anyway so my barely fucking conscious self just had to sit there while he fingered me and after I orgasmed I just fucking cried and I was sobbing on the floor and I was so fucking upset and I wish to God that I have more control over my own body and my own mind